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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is an absent father really better than a bad one?

28 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 01:26

Is it ever ok to stop contact? is an inconsistent deadbeat dad that constantly lets their children down really worse than an Absent one? Planning to stop contact between DC and their father but keep feeling guilty about it and wondering if it’s the right decision (he won’t take me to court)

OP posts:

Clevererthanyou · 27/12/2020 01:29

If they’re abusive or consistently letting the children down and not committed to actual being a dad then an absent dad is better.

I had to be abandoned by mine before I could meet the man who adopted me, I’m glad now although the initial rejection stung. Hope that’s of some use!

Jackabobbo · 27/12/2020 01:33

I grew up with a terrible dad. He was abusive and terrified us. I'd rather have had an absent dad.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 01:39

He isn’t abusive to them though there was some DV towards me . He wants to see them once a fortnight for a few hours but hasn’t even managed to stick to that and hasn’t seen them in 8 weeks. He’s never been consistent.

OP posts:

Wapalim · 27/12/2020 01:46

Yes absent is better. Depends on the degree of shittyness though.

DDs “father” calls her 3 x a year. She’s better off not having him

OhioOhioOhio · 27/12/2020 01:47

Yes. Omg op if need be pm me. You have to let him ruin this. Don't help him.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 01:51

OhioOhioOhio

I was considering stopping contact before his phone call, all the yes comments just threw me a bit as I was previously told to stop contact if all he can be bothered with is taking them to the park for a few hours once/twice a month, even that he can’t stick to.

OP posts:

PawPawNoodle · 27/12/2020 01:51

I had an absent father between the ages of 9 and 18 (my mother stopped contact and then I decided when I wanted to resume it), he wasn't a particularly good parent before then. I'd rather he had been there and shit than the pain of knowing he was out there living a life without me in it and, even worse, that it was my mother that caused it.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 01:53

He won’t even take them away from the house the most he will do is take them to the park on the corner then insists on coming into my house after, I’ve tried to refuse but he is always asking for the toilet. Literally every time the kids have asked him to take them to school and he said he could only do that if he stays over.

OP posts:

Catsup · 27/12/2020 01:55

I think it depends on who they are really? My DC father is frankly a pretty piss poor excuse of a dad (although we were young, and he's definately got his act together since marriage and a young child with someone else). However, his family have been nothing but massively supportive since Dd was young and have been a big part of her life. If I'd cut him off completely then maybe that wouldn't have been the case? She's now 24, and it's a bit of a running joke at his level of sheer fuckwittery 😁. But potentially she's a more well rounded person for it? (in a crazy way). She knows her heritage, and where she 'comes from' (by contrast I do not). Her expectations are pretty low in regards to him, but she also doesn't have any unanswered questions as she's witnessed it first hand playing out. I'll firmly add he might be an absolutely piss poor excuse of a father figure, but he's in no way ever been even remotely physically nor mentally abusive as that would have been my line in the sand (although I'm well aware this is a pretty low bar to have to have settled on).

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 27/12/2020 01:57

Yes, sometimes no dad is better than a shit dad. I chose to keep my eldests biological father out of his life. It was the best decision for him.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 01:59

Catsup
They have nothing to do with his family, both his parents died before I met him, he has a sister but she last saw my children when the oldest two were 1 and 2, they are now 8 and 9 he has other family like aunts and cousins but they never bothered with the children. He doesn’t take them to his house at all so they never even see his friends, they literally know nothing of his life. He only comes here then goes. He never takes them.

OP posts:

Catsup · 27/12/2020 02:00

I would feel very uncomfortable with him wanting to gain access to your home with the toilet excuse, and the staying overnight one is even worse! Do you think he's trying to use the kids as an excuse to get back together OP? Vs actually giving a toss about contact time?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 02:07

He doesn’t want to be with me but I think he would be happy coming here and staying over and playing happy families then going, that’s what was happening before because he knew I still had feelings for him (he broke up with me) he would come here stay over treat the house like a hotel and then leave and disappear till the next time he felt like seeing them again, yes I know I was foolish to put up with it. As soon as I put my foot down and decided he was using me and I needed to get some boundaries so said to him it’s not happening again that’s now why he is bothering even less, he wants to come here see the kids stay over then go home. He doesn’t want to take them out or take them to his. When he picked them up I tried to just have them ready and put them out the door when he got here but then he asked them why I was acting weird (they came home and told me) he lives 2 hours away so I don’t think he sees it as worth it travelling all the way down here to see them for a few hours then travelling home again so he would rather stay over (not happening again) but equally he won’t take them as if he did I would be more than happy to share the travel.

OP posts:

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 02:18

So to be clear he would be happy coming here acting like a family eating dinner sleeping over but not actually wanting to be in a relationship with me it’s just the most easiest convenient way for him to see the kids, it would be his ideal set up, he doesn’t want to take them to his, he doesn’t want the responsibility, he also doesn’t want to travel 4 hours to sit in the park with them. He’s not seen them now for 8 weeks because of Covid, but yet he spent Xmas with him friends and we are in tier 4 (he is not a single adult household) but won’t see the kids because of Covid apparently.

OP posts:

Catsup · 27/12/2020 02:28

Nah, I wouldn't be up for facilitating that either. He just wants to rock up for his 'moment in the sun', whilst you're left with arranging it all, enabling him too, and then presumably picking up the pieces once he swans off again into the sunset.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2020 02:56

No, don't feel guilty. Think about it calmly. He can't be bothered to show up, or when he does show up it is conditional on you enabling his Disney-dad lies.

He won't maintain a relationship, will absent himself whenever he feels like it and can't be bothered to go to court to secure access to his own children.

Don't put your DCs through years of let-downs and disappointments. They can contact him themselves when they are old enough to understand the issues.

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/12/2020 03:03

Do you contact him to make arrangements. It sounds like if you don’t contact he won’t bother.

This is an easier route. I kept a diary of when my ex cancelled and reasons why. It’s sad reading actually

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 03:31

No I never contact him first or ask him if/when he is seeing them. To give it more context he was absent for a year and has only started seeing them for 6 months. A year ago he told me he doesn’t want to be a dad, he said he takes no responsibility for them and never will because “it was my choice to have them” he said why does he need to see them and “loads of dads don’t see their kids” told me not to contact him unless it was an emergency. Obviously I cut all contact after that. He tried to contact me a few time’s over the year but I ignored it, until he sent some money in to my account with a message saying to contact him. I assumed he must be serious to go to that level so I contacted him to see what he wanted. He said he wanted to see them again and blamed what he had said on his mental health. He started seeing them again at my house first initially but he was doing his usual tricks like falling asleep on the sofa or saying that the kids are asking him to stay over, that’s when I insisted he started to take them out. I only really contacted him again due to the pandemic and going through a difficult time (At the time dd had been wrongly send a shielding letter so I was very worried) I’m now kicking myself for contacting him again as I know I should have left it after last year.

OP posts:

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 03:42

How can I forget he also said the only reason why I want him to see them is because I have no family, which I think was particularly spiteful. So you can see why I want to stop contact, if he had came back and had clearly changed his ways and wanted to step up then fair enough but that’s not the case.

OP posts:

Princessbanana · 27/12/2020 16:58

I would stop all contact, don’t let him damage your kids but flitting in and out of their lives.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/12/2020 17:03

Don't feel guilty

Unfortunately ultimately it wont be your choice though. Even abusive fathers get awarded contact if they go to court.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 27/12/2020 17:07

He won’t go to court I know what for a fact, there’s no doubt in my mind. He can’t even stick to once a fortnight contact. He will never go to court, I’ve asked him to, he said never. I am going to stop contact just hate feeling like the “bad guy”

OP posts:

Phineyj · 27/12/2020 17:25

Could you get a solicitor to write a letter stating that he is welcome to have contact however often, but not at your house? And leave it at that when he (inevitably) doesn't bother to make the necessary arrangements? Then you have the evidence there that you offered.

nosswith · 27/12/2020 17:26

Ask the children of Boris Johnson, they may have a view.

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 17:28

I think that a mother who is responsible, affectionate, self-aware and encouraging is good enough.

That same mother undermined every step of the way by an idiot is not as good.\

My parents were together but my dad totally projected all of his low self esteem issues on to me which was dreadful. My mother was like a tightly wound weasel and I never expressed a need. If it had been JUST her, things would have been better.

I'm a single parent now. My teen has more emotional intelligence than her father and mine.

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