AIBU for wanting another child?

[Toastandtea1]

Context: I am happily married with one DD (3 yrs old). Have always wanted 2 children for as long as I can remember. Think I like the idea of child having a buddy to play with etc / don’t want child being only child (although saying that my husband is only child and is the most well adjusted person I know)

However... I developed several chronic illnesses over the last few years since daughter was born, one of which could be made worse by pregnancy/having a new born (or could be made better there’s no way of knowing). Also complicating matters, my first pregnancy with DD was hard. Mental health issues were triggered by severe sickness. It ended up being a complicated pregnancy with quite a traumatic birth with emergency c section.

I think part of me wanting another is to try again as it were, to prove to others (and myself?) that I am able to be “healthy-pregnant” (even tho I’ve got several chronic illnesses on the side). Hope that makes sense?

AIBU for wanting another child??

There’s no guarantee that siblings actually like one another. You could adopt if that was allowed for you. I say that having been through ivf and knowing “ just adopt” is an annoying answer but if pregnancy makes you ill and it’s genuinely about your child and companionship rather the hormonal feeling of wanting to birth another child then it’s an option. I would say what if one of your illnesses plus pregnancy makes you unfit to parent your current child? Please think everything through fully and don’t romanticise things.

I understand the desire to have another child but in your shoes I would not do this.

You will likely be just as sick as last time (sorry!) and it will be harder with a 3 year old to care for while coping with morning sickness and tiredness on top of your other health issues.

There is no guarantee your child will get on with a sibling. I know many who hate each other. So dont have a second for that reason

For this you need to imagine the worst case scenario. If you were as sick as you were last time (or even worse) do you have a support system available to help you look after your child? Is your husband happy and around enough to have another and be supportive to do all he can to help?

Personally I couldn't. My husband needs to work all the time or we couldn't afford the mortgage. My parents are already overwhelmed with enough childcare for us. However of my husband worked flexible hours from home, we could afford full time nursery and we had parents help too I may feel differently.

My first pregnancy was a nightmare. Sick every day for 42.5 weeks. Sailed through second pregnancy. Both births completely different too. Go for it. X

I am afraid at this point it shouldn't be about wants, but your DD's needs and future. Why risk being more ill and not being able to be there for her (and the other child). It probably sounds harsh, ot shouldn't, but that would be my thinking.

I absolutely would not have a second.

Realistically there will be an age gap of about 4 years, so the kids will be interested in quite different activities for a long time even if they do get on well. So the younger sibling being a buddy, as such, isn't that likely. which isn't too say whether child would still be glad to have a sibling over the years.
But that is just one of the threads in your thinking. It is a tough one. You've always wanted 2, that isn't going to just go away, but your personal set of circumstances are more complex. Looking at it as a person with zero emotional involvement is be tempted to say you might have plenty of adversity in doing it to the point you might regret it. Could you weather that difficulty, together as a couple, and you personally as an individual? It's a risk, if the reality is no... Your jeopardising the childhood of the child you have.

I think your responses all make complete sense. I know my head says it isn’t a good idea trying to have another baby but it breaks my heart seeing friends (who I made during pregnancy 1 and whose eldest kids are same age as my daughter) have their second kids or are pregnant with number 2. I know my daughter would be the most amazing big sister as she’s so very caring and my husband does always say we’d be fine and manage fine but I don’t know if that’s just optimistic thinking.

Just to clarify btw I’ve still got coil (it was put in shortly after giving birth in) so I’m protected against getting pregnant for now so I’d need to get it removed if we wanted to start trying.

@LouiseTrees

There’s no guarantee that siblings actually like one another. You could adopt if that was allowed for you. I say that having been through ivf and knowing “ just adopt” is an annoying answer but if pregnancy makes you ill and it’s genuinely about your child and companionship rather the hormonal feeling of wanting to birth another child then it’s an option. I would say what if one of your illnesses plus pregnancy makes you unfit to parent your current child? Please think everything through fully and don’t romanticise things.

I think I am keen on the physical and hormonal point of being pregnant as in that’s a driving force rather than “just” wanting a second child. Not sure if that makes any sense!

@nicelyneurotic

I understand the desire to have another child but in your shoes I would not do this.

You will likely be just as sick as last time (sorry!) and it will be harder with a 3 year old to care for while coping with morning sickness and tiredness on top of your other health issues.

There is no guarantee your child will get on with a sibling. I know many who hate each other. So dont have a second for that reason

Thank you yes I’m definitely aware the kids could hate each other. It’s so difficult knowing what to do

@GinAndTonicOnIt

For this you need to imagine the worst case scenario. If you were as sick as you were last time (or even worse) do you have a support system available to help you look after your child? Is your husband happy and around enough to have another and be supportive to do all he can to help?

Personally I couldn't. My husband needs to work all the time or we couldn't afford the mortgage. My parents are already overwhelmed with enough childcare for us. However of my husband worked flexible hours from home, we could afford full time nursery and we had parents help too I may feel differently.

Yeah we need husband to continue working full time to afford bills etc. I do work part time myself but only a handful of hours a week so nowhere near being able to afford paying any of the bills. And yes daughter has been in childcare 4 days a week since a young age so I do know I need to think about her development and relationship with me etc.

@hiddeneverythin

My first pregnancy was a nightmare. Sick every day for 42.5 weeks. Sailed through second pregnancy. Both births completely different too. Go for it. X

Oh gosh I’m so sorry your first pregnancy was so awful. Glad to know your second was great tho x

You'll always wonder if you don't, whether you could have coped. It's a tough one. If you went ahead and the worst case scenario happened, could you and dh cope and get through it? Would the hardship be temporary or could it derail your lives permanently?

@RealisticSketch

Realistically there will be an age gap of about 4 years, so the kids will be interested in quite different activities for a long time even if they do get on well. So the younger sibling being a buddy, as such, isn't that likely. which isn't too say whether child would still be glad to have a sibling over the years. But that is just one of the threads in your thinking. It is a tough one. You've always wanted 2, that isn't going to just go away, but your personal set of circumstances are more complex. Looking at it as a person with zero emotional involvement is be tempted to say you might have plenty of adversity in doing it to the point you might regret it. Could you weather that difficulty, together as a couple, and you personally as an individual? It's a risk, if the reality is no... Your jeopardising the childhood of the child you have.

This is the thing that kills me the most, I always dreamed of having 2 kids with a 2yr age gap but I got really very unwell (think covid type thing but obv not covid) when our daughter had just turned 1 and haven’t recovered since basically so up until now have never thought could even try for a second but that desire burns at my insides constantly 😢

@RealisticSketch

You'll always wonder if you don't, whether you could have coped. It's a tough one. If you went ahead and the worst case scenario happened, could you and dh cope and get through it? Would the hardship be temporary or could it derail your lives permanently?

I honestly don’t know, it’s impossible to know. I already use an electric wheelchair for out and about which my 3yr old is totally used to (I can walk short distances but get incredibly fatigued at much more than that) and I guess I get scared at the idea of this getting worse.

YANBU to want to. I get it. It’s an all-encompassing biological need to have a child - it’s how my third child was conceived when my twins were barely two.

In your circumstances, I honestly think that with your illnesses you have to say no to having a sibling. It’s unfair on you and on her and any future sibling. I hope you get what I mean, I don’t mean to upset but I can’t find the right words

@MustardMitt

YANBU to want to. I get it. It’s an all-encompassing biological need to have a child - it’s how my third child was conceived when my twins were barely two.

In your circumstances, I honestly think that with your illnesses you have to say no to having a sibling. It’s unfair on you and on her and any future sibling. I hope you get what I mean, I don’t mean to upset but I can’t find the right words

I totally get what you mean, it breaks my heart knowing it’s not a good idea to get pregnant and therefore not provide our daughter with a sibling but chatting to husband makes me realise that yes it would be a huge risk TTC, a risk we shouldn’t really take.

@MustardMitt

YANBU to want to. I get it. It’s an all-encompassing biological need to have a child - it’s how my third child was conceived when my twins were barely two.

In your circumstances, I honestly think that with your illnesses you have to say no to having a sibling. It’s unfair on you and on her and any future sibling. I hope you get what I mean, I don’t mean to upset but I can’t find the right words

Oh and please don’t worry, you haven’t upset me in any way, what you’re saying I know is true in my heart

Your position is essentially really really unfair. Realising that your hearts desire can't happen through no fault of your own (if that's what you decide) is a bitter pill to swallow.
I have a friend who would have liked a second but the first took a long time to happen, the second miscarried and the has never happened since. She is building her life around a family unit which is not the one she pictured. She is grateful for the one she has but how she has reconciled never having the second I don't know. Outwardly she has done it with an amazing grace of spirit and I admire her immensely, she is an incredible example to her child (and everyone who knows her) of living well with what you have, and finding a way to let go of the things you can't change. I admire her so much for this.

You wish your dd had an outlet for her loving nature, which is a good desire as helping her develop that strength is worthwhile. Could she have a pet which would give her a way to express that side of herself? I don't wish to sound flippant but a loving child can experience a most amazing bond with an animal, I know I did, my dog when I was young was my absolute soulmate and have me a charge to nurture and love, it was hands down one of the most life enhancing parts of my childhood (and I had a sibling ...who hated me)

If there is a significant chance that another pregnancy will significantly worsen your condition - and it seems like there is - then I would, I'm afraid, not advise it. I think you have a responsibility to your existing DD not to actively take chances like that on the hope of everything being fine. I know none of us get any guarantees in this life, but when you have certain information about risks and the likelihood of certain outcomes then you cannot act as if you don't.

I'm sorry. It's horribly unfair what I've just said and I'm very aware of it. I wish you peace and happiness however things turn out for you. A close family member experienced secondary infertility, and although it was terrible for them and I have no doubt they will always grieve, they have also been able to move on mentally to some degree and open other doors.

@RealisticSketch

Your position is essentially really really unfair. Realising that your hearts desire can't happen through no fault of your own (if that's what you decide) is a bitter pill to swallow. I have a friend who would have liked a second but the first took a long time to happen, the second miscarried and the has never happened since. She is building her life around a family unit which is not the one she pictured. She is grateful for the one she has but how she has reconciled never having the second I don't know. Outwardly she has done it with an amazing grace of spirit and I admire her immensely, she is an incredible example to her child (and everyone who knows her) of living well with what you have, and finding a way to let go of the things you can't change. I admire her so much for this.

You wish your dd had an outlet for her loving nature, which is a good desire as helping her develop that strength is worthwhile. Could she have a pet which would give her a way to express that side of herself? I don't wish to sound flippant but a loving child can experience a most amazing bond with an animal, I know I did, my dog when I was young was my absolute soulmate and have me a charge to nurture and love, it was hands down one of the most life enhancing parts of my childhood (and I had a sibling ...who hated me)

Your words have warmed me so much, thank you. I could never have anticipated this way of life now (as in everything had to change when I got ill) but saying that I’m incredibly grateful and lucky to have an amazing DD and husband, both of who accept my condition (s) and are very caring indeed. I’m sorry to hear about your friend though. I’m inspired by how you describe how she’s learned to cope.

@Respectabitch

If there is a significant chance that another pregnancy will significantly worsen your condition - and it seems like there is - then I would, I'm afraid, not advise it. I think you have a responsibility to your existing DD not to actively take chances like that on the hope of everything being fine. I know none of us get any guarantees in this life, but when you have certain information about risks and the likelihood of certain outcomes then you cannot act as if you don't.

I'm sorry. It's horribly unfair what I've just said and I'm very aware of it. I wish you peace and happiness however things turn out for you. A close family member experienced secondary infertility, and although it was terrible for them and I have no doubt they will always grieve, they have also been able to move on mentally to some degree and open other doors.

I honestly don’t know what could happen if I got pregnant. I have ME CFS which is still (even 2 years in) not completely stable so I run the risk of making it worse (bearing in mind I have to use an electric wheelchair and had to give up my job)

toastandtea1 weirdly, even though no-one would wish your illness on anyone your life sounds so full of love, you sound very blessed indeed. Your description of your dh and DD are heartwarming. How wonderful your illness didn't strike earlier in life so your dd never happened.
None of which takes away your wishes or negates the distress of being unable to live your life as you want, but protected by these marvellous relationships you hopefully won't hit rock bottom and will find a way through.
I'm sure you won't let your dd know about your sorrow, but it occurs to me it might make her feel that she isn't enough, and knowing there is a sadness that won't go away might be a heavy thing for her to carry in her heart. Which I'm sure you've thought of anyway.

@RealisticSketch

toastandtea1 weirdly, even though no-one would wish your illness on anyone your life sounds so full of love, you sound very blessed indeed. Your description of your dh and DD are heartwarming. How wonderful your illness didn't strike earlier in life so your dd never happened. None of which takes away your wishes or negates the distress of being unable to live your life as you want, but protected by these marvellous relationships you hopefully won't hit rock bottom and will find a way through. I'm sure you won't let your dd know about your sorrow, but it occurs to me it might make her feel that she isn't enough, and knowing there is a sadness that won't go away might be a heavy thing for her to carry in her heart. Which I'm sure you've thought of anyway.

Thank you so much. Do you mean letting DD know about sorrow of not having a second? Obviously I’d never want to put that on DD, ie making her feel we’ve only ever wanted another so therefore she’s not enough as she is, I wouldn’t dream of that.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I am afraid at this point it shouldn't be about wants, but your DD's needs and future. Why risk being more ill and not being able to be there for her (and the other child). It probably sounds harsh, ot shouldn't, but that would be my thinking.

I agree.

The fact that you can only part time and pretty much full time childcare would be another enormous reason not to. If you DH was to lose his job, fall ill or leave then things would be hard enough with on let alone two.