AIBU for wanting another child?

[Toastandtea1]

Context: I am happily married with one DD (3 yrs old). Have always wanted 2 children for as long as I can remember. Think I like the idea of child having a buddy to play with etc / don’t want child being only child (although saying that my husband is only child and is the most well adjusted person I know)

However... I developed several chronic illnesses over the last few years since daughter was born, one of which could be made worse by pregnancy/having a new born (or could be made better there’s no way of knowing). Also complicating matters, my first pregnancy with DD was hard. Mental health issues were triggered by severe sickness. It ended up being a complicated pregnancy with quite a traumatic birth with emergency c section.

I think part of me wanting another is to try again as it were, to prove to others (and myself?) that I am able to be “healthy-pregnant” (even tho I’ve got several chronic illnesses on the side). Hope that makes sense?

AIBU for wanting another child??

That’s the thing, my husband already does so much to allow me to rest enough etc. I don’t know if he would be able to do that with 2 or rather I wouldn’t expect him to. We already get lots of help via the grandparents. Think this post is basically helping to make my mind up and it really really breaks my heart but I know it’s the right decision.

I think part of me wanting another is to try again as it were, to prove to others (and myself?) that I am able to be “healthy-pregnant” (even tho I’ve got several chronic illnesses on the side

This is what jumped out at me. If this really is how you feel then you know that’s no reason for having another baby.

You mentioned lots of friends having baby 2. Please don’t feel you need to have another baby because others are.

@BlairCorneliaWaldorf

I think part of me wanting another is to try again as it were, to prove to others (and myself?) that I am able to be “healthy-pregnant” (even tho I’ve got several chronic illnesses on the side

This is what jumped out at me. If this really is how you feel then you know that’s no reason for having another baby.

You mentioned lots of friends having baby 2. Please don’t feel you need to have another baby because others are.

I do know you’re totally right I think part of me just also really misses the year post-birth which I loved. I was healthy, I would walk for miles with DD in the pram, meet friends for coffee dates etc. (I got ill when DD turned 1) I think in my mind somehow I’m equating having another baby with being able to repeat that amazing time (plus use all the ridiculous amount of clothes I bought for DD, most of which got one wear each 🙄)

Could you adopt OP?

How do you manage with your DD now? How do you find motherhood generally. It’s so hard to say what you should do.

@Littleyell

Could you adopt OP?

How do you manage with your DD now? How do you find motherhood generally. It’s so hard to say what you should do.

No not honestly sure I could adopt, I don’t know why, maybe cos a lot of this wanting another child is the chance to try pregnancy again. So in terms of how things work at the mo, DD goes to nursery/pre-school 3 days a week and grandparents one day a week. I work for 2hrs a day, 4 days a week and in the rest of that time managing my health is a job in itself so I see a therapist (obv via zoom for the last 9 months) to help deal with the limits chronic illness has placed on life etc, slimming groups (cos I got far too overweight in the process of comfort eating, think first lockdown style overeating except over longer period) to manage trying to lose weight in the Hope that helps with my condition. And then there’s the ridiculous amount of medical appts I have etc, plus doing chores (I have to rest between chores as they exhaust me easily) and then needing to rest for a period each day to get through. We have a nice little routine with all this that works nicely for us 3 (me, DH and DD). It massively helps that DH has been WFH since lockdown started so he can get up with DD in the morning.

"Do you mean letting DD know about sorrow of not having a second? Obviously I’d never want to put that on DD, ie making her feel we’ve only ever wanted another so therefore she’s not enough as she is, I wouldn’t dream of that."
Yes, I meant that. You sound like an amazing mum I'm sure you would never do that. Just wanted to recognise the act of courage it is to bear something hard like that without letting your dd know. Lots of parents fail to protect their DC from their own anger/sadness/frustration, you see it often in threads here. I'm sure you won't fall into that trap though, you sound far too caring and self aware, your dh and DD are lucky to have you

Ahhh I see. To be honest OP it sounds very difficult and like your quite busy at it is.

Health issues aside. I would of liked to have another child too it doesn’t quite work out sometimes! I’m so grateful for my DS though.

Why take the risk? You could make yourself more ill and that would also affect your DH and DD.

You have a happy healthy daughter so be content with her. As others have said she may not even get on with a sibling.

I think to have another would just be selfish

@RealisticSketch

"Do you mean letting DD know about sorrow of not having a second? Obviously I’d never want to put that on DD, ie making her feel we’ve only ever wanted another so therefore she’s not enough as she is, I wouldn’t dream of that." Yes, I meant that. You sound like an amazing mum I'm sure you would never do that. Just wanted to recognise the act of courage it is to bear something hard like that without letting your dd know. Lots of parents fail to protect their DC from their own anger/sadness/frustration, you see it often in threads here. I'm sure you won't fall into that trap though, you sound far too caring and self aware, your dh and DD are lucky to have you

Your words are so very kind, thank you so much x

@Littleyell

Ahhh I see. To be honest OP it sounds very difficult and like your quite busy at it is.

Health issues aside. I would of liked to have another child too it doesn’t quite work out sometimes! I’m so grateful for my DS though.

Yes to be honest I’m not sure we’d be able to manage with another because husband already does so much to ease my load on stuff (not that it’s the mum’s responsibility on this stuff but you know what I mean) and not sure he could physically do any more.

@lynsey91

Why take the risk? You could make yourself more ill and that would also affect your DH and DD.

You have a happy healthy daughter so be content with her. As others have said she may not even get on with a sibling.

I think to have another would just be selfish

I would hate to be considered selfish in this situation. I would hate to cause my health to get worse and therefore affect DD and DH’s quality of life too. I’m pretty much 99% sure having another is a bad idea.

It does depend what your chronic condition is. I have a chronic lifelong condition that was very hard to deal with in my last pregnancy because I was off all medication. Going into it again was nerve wracking because I knew how hard it could be. Fortunately we conceived much much quicker this time and research has been done in the time between my pregnancies which means there's a medication I can stay on so I'm finding things a lot easier this time.

I also had a horrible birth and emergency c section so I'm taking control by have an elective c section and feel much happier knowing that's sorted.

I can't help with the sickness because I was very fortunate not to have any but doctors can prescribe anti sickness for you

If you want another baby then you need to decide whether you can manage the pregnancy. It's "only" 9 months but I know that can feel like forever when it's hard