Waiting for ex to pick up the kids

[boxingday2020]

He should have been here at 5pm, still waiting. Can't get hold of him, the children are frustrated and tired of waiting.

It's early 7pm. How long should I wait before telling him I'll put the kids to bed.

Last time I did this after waiting for him for 3 hours I was accused of keeping the kids from him. Don't know what to do.

I feel like telling him see you next Saturday and not open the door if he shows up at 8-9pm?

He has let his DC down, why are you so accepting of that and then messaging him and letting him know you can drop them off tomorrow? I would be so upset for my DC and put my foot down. Dc are badly affected by behaviours like this,

As if putting a foot down would make an uninvolved parent involved... most likely he would just turn his back on them. He is there, half way, already.

I wouldnt be dropping them off...

My ex did a lot of this. Plus he also brought them home to me early to catch me out. DD2 told him he was to be on time next time or not turn up at all. She was 8 and has SEN

He never came again

She waited with her coat on for ages ... he didn't turn up

19 yrs with no birthday cards, Christmas cards nothing.

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud
That's awful! What a nasty selfish man!!

OP, I understand why you've offered to drop them off as anything is better than sitting at home, clockwatching with over-excited children, waiting for him to turn up. Well done for trying to keep them connected and there might be a genuine excuse (he fell in the river/under a bus??). I hope you sort it out in your and your children's best interests 💐

@InTheShadowOfTheMushroomCloud

My ex did a lot of this. Plus he also brought them home to me early to catch me out. DD2 told him he was to be on time next time or not turn up at all. She was 8 and has SEN

He never came again

She waited with her coat on for ages ... he didn't turn up

19 yrs with no birthday cards, Christmas cards nothing.

Oh that’s heartbreaking

Not dad, but my sister.

When my oldest was about 2 years old, we had just had my newborn.

My sister TOLD MY dd that she would come and pick her up for a sleepover the next day.

Dd was so excited. She had her little bag packed and was sitting in the window talking about how “missa” was coming to get her.

My sister never turned up. Didn’t message or anything.

She sobbed her little heart out and I was heartbroken for her.

We put her to bed that night furious with my sister. The next day, poor dd still thought “Missa” was coming up get her.

My dd is 7 now and luckily doesn’t remember this but it’s seared in my brain.

We haven’t seen my sister since dd was 4 and frankly I don’t miss her at all. My ds doesn’t even know who she is

What an utter piece of shit!!

I bet somehow he tries to make it all the OP's fault as well.

Op, don't drop them off to him. Don't even acknowledge him for a few days. I've been where you are and you're not doing any good for your children. Your teaching them its okay to be ignored and let down. It's detrimental to their self worth. Before anyone flames me, my horrid ex used to let my dds down and it would upset them so much that my heart would break. Then enough was enough, I never got in touch with him when he would let them down, I'd make a fuss of my children and tell them not to get upset with people who didn't care enough. Its stuck with my dds. If someone mucks about with my dds, they're gone as they realise their own self worth.

KarmaNoMore he is there half way! Are you taking the mick? He hasn’t even bothered turning up to take his two DC on Boxing Day. There sat waiting for their daddy with not one word. He isn’t anyway close to half way. It is very damaging to DC , my dad didn’t turn up, ignored plans, and turned up as and when he felt like it. It was a lot about controlling my mum and showing her he could. My mum couldn’t do anything as he had been violent during there marriage. Thankfully he didn’t turn up much. The OP doesn’t have to keep trying to facilitate a relationship. My foot down comment was for her to stop trying to push something he clearly isn’t bothered about. It’s for the father here to do the reaching out. She should be waiting for an apology to her DC from this man as he has really let them down and she should be focussing on making plans with her DC not telling this man she is dropping them round today. She doesn’t even know where he is? Is she going to get them ready and stand knocking at his door with two DC for him not to answer and DC let down again.

Shouldershrugger totally agree, I would say myself and my older sister were the most affected by dads behaviour. She ended up pregnant at a young age and accepted any kind of crap from blokes as that is what she had learned. Standards weren’t set high. I went a little wild and had a low bar too and did things I regret. It took me until I was 30 to meet someone who treated me well but I have struggled a little as I always expect them to leave or wonder why there with me. Self doubt eats at you.

No, not taking the mick, he is already half way through disappearing from his children’s lives.

This is the time when stomping your feet and threats will only make things worse. As a parent with care you have no power to force/dictate how and when contact will take place unless the non resident parent agrees so making a big fuzz takes you further away from your goal.

What is needed here is measures to be put in place to reduce the drama and the emotional effect on OP and her children. Stomping feet and telling him some truths is just going to make a situation worse because he already doesn’t care.

@boxingday2020

Did he finally surface OP?

... but I agree that it comes a point when the healthiest thing to do for the resident parent and children is to stop bending backwards to facilitate contact and let it fizzle out. But even so, this should be managed to reduce the drama and impact on the kids.

Agree KarmaNoMore I misunderstood your first comment.

I hope he's been in contact and everything is ok.

I spent a lot of time as a child waiting at windows for my dad.

My ex has serious form for this.

The most memorable (not in a good way was Halloween).

DD was about 7 or 8. He demanded she spend the evening with him with great promises of fun.

She turned down invitations from friends. She was all dressed up and waiting. He was meant to pick her up about 6.30 which came and went. We messaged and he was on his way apparently.

This was repeated several times and around 9pm he said he wasn’t coming at all. She was devastated. Cunt. I hate him so much.

My ex used to turn up several days late! He moved abroad and would come back 2/3 times a year, but never quite when he said he would. So I stopped telling my children when he was coming until he had landed in the country and was on his way. There were times when he never made it at all!

I feel so sorry for your children; thank goodness they have your consistent love and care.
There's a thread running at the moment about a visiting father outstaying his welcome; OP being criticized by some for not wanting him to stay any longer, as she has hardly any relationship with him.
That is the Spirit if Christmas Future (to quote Dickens!) for any of these indifferent fathers, if they had the sense to realize.

Has he shown up yet?

I will never understand these guys! WTAF is wrong with them? My own Dad Passed away in the night when I was 8 .He loved going swimming with me ,playing and just generally "being there" No doubt when they are older its all "Oh I would have come if Mum had let me and other complete BS!

SexNotGender Thats truly awful! Poor little DD. EX sounds ghastly!

@dottiedodah

SexNotGender Thats truly awful! Poor little DD. EX sounds ghastly!

It’s appalling. They never have to see the devastation they cause either. He’d frequently return her late having not fed her dinner or anything. Acts like father of the fucking year too.

I would not message him nor would I answer the door if he ever showed up. Make no effort with him from here on in.

My ex was chronic for this, he’d eventually turn up hours and hours late yet when it came to return him if it was his turn he’d turn up hours early. Typical controlling behaviour, when I eventually put boundaries in place (any more than 30mins with no contact and he’d have to wait until next time) and refused him one time I got the usual mouthful of abuse and he simply never turned up again (not that I care) if any dad is happy to hurt their own child in an effort to annoy the mum them they simply aren’t worth the effort.

Reading these in some ways makes me slightly grateful that Dd1's father was 'absent' - at least you know where you stand then.