Why do relatives do this?

[Angeldust2810]

Hosted my family for Christmas yesterday.

Background- DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 5. We bought house and renovated from top to bottom including a two storey extension. Done as much of the work ourselves as we could and gained a lot of equity as a result.

BIL has visited 3 times including yesterday.

I open door and his first words are “is that gate supposed to be electric and why is your garden such a mess?”

It's jealousy

I would also guess it's jealousy .

Sounds like my MIL. I'll spend hours trying to get the house clean so she doesn't tut at everything, then she walks in, spots two crumbs I missed on the carpet and says 'Did you hoover? Is your cleaner still coming?'

AIBU to have wanted to just shut the door again?

Say, "Once a prick, always a prick" and shut the door on him.

It's pure jealousy.

Jealousy and pure ignorance.

I would have burst out laughing, said Happy Xmas to you too, and taken the high road as he is clearly a knob!

Some people are jealous/resentful and make snidey comments to bring others down. Others lack tact and put their feet in their mouth without realising how rude they are being.

I know it’s easier said than done but try not to let it get to you. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. I find responses like ‘well luckily you don’t live here so I wouldn’t worry about it’ shut them down, too.

I would have told him he was extremely fucking rude, but then I’m an arsey bitch.

'You're right, this place is a death trap. Save yourselves!'

close door

Thanks everyone. For context there is a big age gap between me and my sister and she’s been with him for as long as I can remember so maybe is a patronising thing?

It wasn’t followed by an offer of help so it just seemed so unnecessary.

I’m not looking for praise or approval.

Just don’t say anything.

Definitely jealousy and bitterness OP. Let comments like that prove how your hard work has paid off and how lucky you are to have a home you love.

Ah he’s a knob. There lots of them out there.

Be thankful he's not blood related

My Grandad does this. He didn’t get an invite last year so this year I felt massively guilty with the current situation.

I don't see the relevance of the work you've done on the house. I don't understand why anyone think he's jealous. I think, as he's hardly ever been there before, the two things that stick out in his mind as being "wrong" have got out of his mouth, because he isn't tactful enough to keep them in.

I really don't think it's jealousy, it sounds like he just doesn't have a filter.

(Admittedly I don't know why he expects the gate to be electric, maybe it just reminds him of one that is.)

Some people just can't help being negative twats. Ignore.

And be thankful you're not one of them - it must be exhausting to live like this!

Just tactless and probably jealous too

My SIL turned up at ours and immeadiately started with " Wow, you still haven't painted that/landscaped garden/tiled bathrooms.

Yes, but we bought a wreck in the South Downs which has more than doubled in value, and did most of the work ourselves. We will be retiring early, and downsizing back to Wales. She, on the other hand earns ££££ , but owns nothing, and spends big on rent/holidays/cars/general crap. The whole Covid thing has been a BIG wake-up call for her and BIL. They have very little to fall back on.

I just smile, and (inwardly) wave

Arrange to see them on the 29th just so you can say see you next Tuesday

@Echobelly

Sounds like my MIL. I'll spend hours trying to get the house clean so she doesn't tut at everything, then she walks in, spots two crumbs I missed on the carpet and says 'Did you hoover? Is your cleaner still coming?'

Just spotted this thread/comment. I think I would have quickly grabbed the (very expensive of course) vacuum cleaner and shoved it in her hand with a " no I was saving it for you to do"

Having said that I find it hard to believe any friend or relative would really comment on a tiny missed bit on a carpet!

Yep it's jealousy

With people like this it can be effective if you counter these remarks with something like
" Oh good - I'm 2 points up on the Uncle Nobhead bingo keep it up"
(tinkly laugh if you can carry it off)
Or laugh and mention their advancing years as proof that what they say must be because of actual or impending dementia .
It is from a superiority standpoint. You are younger so cant know how to manage the finer points of houses. Never mind that you built the extension you obviously dont know how to weed as well as he does.

Just a case of bad manners. Unfortunately all too common now.
Be the bigger person and ignore.

Mine is from a few years ago. I’d just gone back to work full time and I had a seven month old who was sleeping dreadfully. I cooked a Boxing Day lunch for 10? 12? People and rearranged my small house to fit them.

There was one high surface which was cluttered and undusted. “Nice to see you’ve made some effort, pity you couldn’t have done that too...”

I wish I’d said something at the time.

Some people are just dicks, unfortunately someone’s got to be family to them.