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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to keep my children at home?

36 replies

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 17:21

Hi mums!

I’m in a bit of a predicament and need some reassurance/advice!

So, today my county went in to tier 4 lockdown. My children’s’ father was due to pick them up at 10 this morning. He has told me previously that Covid isn’t real, it’s all back to normal now, etc. So I am very very dubious about how a careful him and his family are being.
Following a series of texts from myself asking him to reassure me that he will follow the government guidelines, I received nothing but “I won’t answer that as you’re looking for an argument”.

I absolutely was not looking for an argument, I explained to him that I was only seeking reassurance that the guidelines would be followed due to household vulnerabilities - and I would be happy for the children to go with him if he was to agree to do this - but still no joy.
Rather the opposite of joy...

I really tried to come to an agreement with him to enable the contact to go ahead as planned today, and I’m devastated that it didn’t go as planned for my two girls .

After numerous attempts, I told him not to come as he could not guarantee to me that guidelines would be followed as per tier 4.
I have now been met with “I’m taking you to court”, “you are using the children as weapons”, and “you emotionally abuse the children”. Along with lots of other false allegations, insults and plain hurtful text messages.

I feel backed into a corner for trying to do the right thing here. I have been on and off in tears all day wondering if I’m doing the right thing.
I’m very severely asthmatic - which he is aware of, and have a young baby in the house too. All I want is to keep our family safe! Surely he could have just agreed, rather than continue to flout the guidelines?!

OP posts:

StylishMummy · 26/12/2020 17:28

I don't think you can keep DC from their father on the basis he may not follow the rules, a court wouldn't look favourably on that

formerbabe · 26/12/2020 17:30

Are they medically vulnerable? If not, then I think yabu

likeafishneedsabike · 26/12/2020 17:43

Sorry OP but I think you’ve lost the plot. Start eating humble pie and make sure the kids get to their father either tonight or tomorrow.

OverTheRainbow88 · 26/12/2020 17:45

If it were other laws he was breaking which put your children’s health as risk the people
Above wouldn’t be asking as they did.

I personally think you did the right thing.

Original poster

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 17:52

I will add that he has been breaking the rules previously, and has mixed throughout the entirety of the pandemic.

I welcome all opinions. But I don’t think saying that I have lost the plot is very kind.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 26/12/2020 17:53

I have the same issue op, an ex who calls me a stupid government sheep. He's taking no care despite being 68 and in Tier 3. I'm in tier 4.

He collected ds today, and tried to come into my home to use the loo. I wouldn't let him in so he's gone off in a rage. Honestly, if he gets ill it will be totally his own fault.

I won't prevent him seeing ds who thankfully is very healthy but I won't allow him to put me at risk. He's so selfish.

HughGrantsHair · 26/12/2020 17:57

As you are vulnerable, have a young baby in the house and he isn't willing to at least put your mind at rest I think Yanbu.

OptimisticSix · 26/12/2020 17:57

I have the same issue too but am not trying to stop contact. I think he is careless and thoughtless and generally shit but he is their dad and he gets to parent them too (sadly).

CoRhona · 26/12/2020 18:02

You're in the wrong, you've just made the situation / relationship between you so much worse and you've upset your children.

You need to sort this out asap and get the children to their father.

Much as you might not like it, he's a grown adult who doesn't have to answer to you.

OverTheRainbow88 · 26/12/2020 18:05

he's a grown adult who doesn't have to answer to you.

He does when his decisions affects OP and their children

Yoshinori · 26/12/2020 18:09

Yabu

You have no basis to refuse contact at all. None at all.

MrsBobDylan · 26/12/2020 18:14

op does have a reason though. She is very severely asthmatic. In her position I would do the same. If dc dad really wanted to see the kids he only need to confirm he would follow rules.

Original poster

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 18:14

Doesn’t his decisions to break the law while in possession of our children matter then? Our health is irrelevant? If myself (very severe asthma), my daughter (also asthmatic) and baby (epilepsy) caught this virus, it could be absolutely devastating.

OP posts:

Melonlover80 · 26/12/2020 18:17

He’s in tier 4
Nothing opened
What’s he planning? Getting together with others? If so, and you’re confident, report him.

FestiveStuffing · 26/12/2020 18:19

Do you have the funds to get a lawyer to talk to about this? I don't know where you stand legally. Could you post in legal matters?

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/12/2020 18:20

"I’m very severely asthmatic - which he is aware of"
As I understand it whilst children rarely are made ill by Covid, they can be carriers and spread the virus. If your children bring it home from their time with him and you get ill, this will impact your children.

No brainer for me - they don't go.

"I have now been met with “I’m taking you to court”, “you are using the children as weapons”, and “you emotionally abuse the children”. Along with lots of other false allegations, insults and plain hurtful text messages."
I'd tell him to take me to court, where he can explain that covid doesn't exist and making his children's primary carer ill will not impact on his children's welfare.

Fuck him. He's the one using the children as weapons, to control you and presumably continue the emotional abuse of you.

AutoIncorrect · 26/12/2020 18:21

OP he could quite easily tell you what you want to hear and flout the rules anyway.

Lindy2 · 26/12/2020 18:23

He refused to confirm that he intended to behave in a responsible manner with your children's health. I would have refused contact too. You wouldn't hand your children over to someone who intended to drink and drive, why would you hand them over to someone who you suspect will deliberately break tier 4 rules and risk your household becoming infected.

You gave him the chance to confirm he would do his best to keep the children safe but he refused to give you that reassurance.

I know some will think not keeping to Coronavirus rules isn't a big issue. However, at the moment DH's friend is in hospital on oxygen and is deteriorating. It is a big deal.

Original poster

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 18:24

Hi festivestuffing, I have already sent an email to my solicitor explaining the situation along with screenshots of the entire tirade. She is out of office for Christmas break at the moment, so it is a bit tough. I may get a response on Monday. If I am legally being unreasonable, I’m sure that she will let me know.
I’m not one to withhold the children, but it was a choice my partner and I both felt that we had to make upon hearing that a Boxing Day party was being held and my children would be accompanying their father. Hence why I pressed so hard for my ex to follow the guidelines on contact today.

OP posts:

amylou8 · 26/12/2020 18:25

I think it very much depends. If you've been going to the supermarket, sending the kids to school etc then quite frankly you could, and probably will pick it up anywhere. Adding your exs possible rule breaking to equation isn't hugely increasing your risk. If you've been isolating, online shopping, home schooling because you are so vulnerable you're shielding properly, then morally you have every right to ask him to be extra careful with the kids. Unfortunately he's their parent as much as you are and you can't enforce it.

Original poster

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 18:27

This is very true! He could have. I’m just at a loss. 😢 it’s such an awful time at the moment.

OP posts:

TheCanyon · 26/12/2020 18:28

You're not being unreasonable at all. My dds dad works on the rigs and his home has been high cases area the whole time while our rural tier 1 area has been ok. He's seen her twice this year, just in the last 2 months for a walk and lunch, he wants to visit tomorrow, Scotland btw so we're national lockdown effectively.

I've no words to help but do understand.

Stay safe

Original poster

Shadow12 · 26/12/2020 18:31

Amylou8, girls are not going to school. My gp provided us with my medical report which showed that I am extremely vulnerable and sending them to school would increase my risk of contracting the virus.
School are brilliant and have been sending them home the set work weekly.

All shopping is done online. We do not go to the supermarket.
We have not had any contact with anyone apart from our own children since the pandemic began. I admit, it has been a very lonely year indeed!
Other half has been going to work as usual, but works in a digger in complete solitary all day bless him.

OP posts:

michelle1504 · 26/12/2020 18:58

YANBU. He could put your life at risk with his selfishness and his stupidity. You are protecting yourself. As long as you don't ususlly pull lots of stunts to prevent him from seeing the kids then you are definitely not being unreasonable.

RandomMess · 26/12/2020 18:59

I don't think you have unreasonable it's clear he has no intention of not mixing etc despite his own child having asthma.

Is the contact court ordered?

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