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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where to live after divorce

33 replies

PishFood · 26/12/2020 14:48

Am finally getting divorced soon after years of a shit marriage. We live in a really shit town, my teenager is in a special measures school but he has a lot of friends. If i didn’t have children I would leave like a shot, only moved here because this is where ex wanted to live. My AIBU is, I want to move about an hour away to a relatively decent city (Norwich), away from the arsehole of nowhere (the fens) but this would mean that my son only sees his dad once a week instead of everyday. What is more important, staying close to dad (who is an adulterous dick head but has been a good dad) or living somewhere with a bit of personality?

OP posts:
purplejungle · 26/12/2020 14:50

Stay local so your ds can keep seeing dad and his friends then move when ds leaves home.

CoRhona · 26/12/2020 14:51

It depends on so many things - is your DS in an exam year / coming up to them? Would the new school do the same subjects? How does he feel about potentially leaving his friends? And about not seeing his dad so often?

Original poster
PishFood · 26/12/2020 14:56

He is 13, so the move is now or once he has finished schooling.

OP posts:
coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 14:59

I'd move where you want to move. You're primary care giver, you need to be happy to raise your son properly.

SillyOldMummy · 26/12/2020 15:02

Have you asked your son? He is old enough to be able to consider what happens to him fairly rationally. He might like the idea of a fresh start in a better place to live.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 26/12/2020 15:09

Staying close to his good dad obviously.

Elfinghecking · 26/12/2020 15:13

How would you feel if your stbex took your kids away and you could only see them once a week?
Even if he was a shit to you it doesn’t mean he loses he rights as a parent. Right now he could take you to court and get 50/50 so stay closer and try to keep contact arrangements fair, informal and practical for you both.

Elfinghecking · 26/12/2020 15:13

Don’t ask your son. Don’t put him in a position where he feels he’s responsible for how much he sees one parent or the other. Just don’t.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/12/2020 15:17

Can you talk to ex?
If you move, ( and it sounds as if that's a reasonable plan for you and DS) then if he's that committed a father, he could move too.
Or he could find a way to see DS more than once a week.
What's the work potential, for you and ex?
DS might well be happier at his age if he can get around independently' so being somewhere bigger might work better for him long term, and give him more opportunities for clubs and hobbies.

Lookslikerainted · 26/12/2020 15:18

Tricky. Talk to your son and see what he’d like.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/12/2020 15:21

I think a divorce AND moving away from friends to a new school is a very big ask of a 13yr old.

That said, I'd never want to live and raise a child in a small town, so I do get you.

Redcliff · 26/12/2020 15:23

Stay close 100%. You can move in a few years time but your son will never be 13 again. If you really want to move could he stay with his dad during the week and stay with you at the weekend?

Zagziggirl · 26/12/2020 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Covidrelapse · 26/12/2020 15:23

I’d stay local so your son can still see his Dad and his friends. Once he’s finished school/college I’d move.

Chloemol · 26/12/2020 15:23

I would move, you have primary care and it’s important that you are fit to raise your child

sofato5miles · 26/12/2020 15:26

Move. You have one life and wasting 5 years in a shit tiwn with a special measure school is not exactly setting your son up well

MoreLikeThis · 26/12/2020 15:34

I think it’s unfair to ask your son but you can scope him out.

I think your son keeping in contact with his Dad and his school friends is really important.

TheCanyon · 26/12/2020 15:42

I wouldn't move a 13 year old who has established friendships, I think that's actually a really selfish thing to do. It's only another 5 years at most, suck it up for your sons sake. 5 years is fuck all in the grand scheme of life.

MorningNinja · 26/12/2020 15:48

A divorce and then a move from everything familiar...no way.

This is a move for you to make when hes left home.

MotherWol · 26/12/2020 15:54

Move: if your son’s school is in special measures, moving him to a school where he’s got a decent chance of getting the education he’ll need for the future is the right thing to do.

BesideTheFire · 26/12/2020 15:58

Agree with others that DS's needs have to take precedence. What about staying put for the next couple of years but planning that college will be in Norwich?

EmmanuelleMakro · 26/12/2020 16:02

Special measures school dues not sound great. Norwich much better for both of you if can find a better school. If you exh drives - why only once a week?

Lemmeout · 26/12/2020 16:10

Move. He’ll be so isolated due to lack of transport links in the Fens. Norwich has so more to offer you both for the future.

MinnieMountain · 26/12/2020 16:25

Staying close to dad and friends needs to be balanced with the school being in special measures.

Were you staying regardless of the state of the school or had moving for a better school occurred to you anyway?

FrippEnos · 26/12/2020 16:27

Is there a reason for Norwich?

Peterborough is half the time, depending on where in the fens you are.

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