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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Turned up on doorstep

59 replies

Decadoma · 26/12/2020 13:55

I had a relative who lives over half an hour drive away and in a seperate tier turn up on my doorstep expecting to be able to come inside with their family. I've heard since they thought I was unwelcoming. We've had no-one over since September since our daughter returned to school.
I don't like being thought of as rude but I was shocked and in shock at this happening. AIBU?

OP posts:

eddiemairswife · 26/12/2020 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jessstan1 · 26/12/2020 14:58

Presumably not on Christmas day, nobody does that. Did they call earlier in the week with a gift perhaps? In which case your relative should realise that ad hoc mixing is not on at the moment. It would have been easier to post the gifts, that's what most have done this year.

switswooo · 26/12/2020 15:00

@eddiemairswife

You weren't 'in shock', as that is a medical condition; you were just 'shocked'.

There's always one.

Ohdofuckofdear · 26/12/2020 15:02

Are they one of those people that doesn't believe covid is dangerous?or are they one of the other type of delusional people thst believe that they're thoughts and feelings are more important than everyone else's?

Either way it was a stupid thing for them to do and they shouldn't be bad mouthing about you because you were sensible and didnt let them in!

BackforGood · 26/12/2020 15:06

What m0therofdragons said.

Do think being 'in shock' seems OTT though

RobinRedford · 26/12/2020 15:09

Yanbu unexpected/uninvited visitors put me on the back foot at the best of times but during the current situation then totally taking the piss. Some people just don’t get it.

You did right to not let them in, If it were a single person I might have let them in a kept a distance but the whole family, no bloody way.

JamieLeesCurtains · 26/12/2020 15:13

@eddiemairswife

You weren't 'in shock', as that is a medical condition; you were just 'shocked'.

I don't think she was really suggesting she succumbed to a critical condition brought on by a sudden drop in blood flow through the body where the circulatory system fails to maintain adequate blood flow, sharply curtailing the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to vital organs.

It was probably more of a hyperbole.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2020 15:27

@Decadoma

I kinda knew I wasn't being AIBU but I have been put on the backfoot so much by it. I hate being rude 😂. I almost couldn't speak as I was so surprised. Other person thought I'd been put in an awkward situation too Things are hard enough without this sort of rubbish

You say you 'kinda knew' but you've only made 2 posts and still haven't told us what you said to them.

Therefore how can anyone decide if they were right to think of you as rude?

FabbyMagic · 26/12/2020 15:28

@eddiemairswife

You weren't 'in shock', as that is a medical condition; you were just 'shocked'.

You sound a laugh 😂

Original poster

Decadoma · 26/12/2020 15:31

They came into the hall - I genuinely felt I couldn't stop it without being rude in front of the children, they did not stay long, I stayed away as it's big enough and disinfected after. It felt like damage limitation. Even when we were allowed folk in over summer I was scrupulously clean before anyone came in. Thing is, for me, I would never want to put someone else at risk.
I genuinely think (and hope) that this was just someone being a bit scatty and not thinking. I don't really feel comfortable enough to challenge at present without it escalating.
I'm just going to distance myself fore a while. If they think I was rude it's really their issue not mine.

OP posts:

saraclara · 26/12/2020 15:36

Again, without knowing what you said or what tone of voice/facial expression you used, it's impossible to know if you were rude.

You did the right thing in not letting them in to sit down and chat, but that's not where rudeness lies. It's your interaction with them that defines rudeness (or not).

2020isalmosthindsight · 26/12/2020 15:36

I'm amazed they actually expected to just show up and be invited inside! Idiots.

Brefugee · 26/12/2020 15:39

Covid or not, who just turns up at this time of year?

BibbityBobbityBellend · 26/12/2020 15:44

What tier are you?

What tier are they?

What day did they just turn up?

What was said to them?

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2020 15:44

"In shock"

"Almost couldn't speak"

"Didn't want to be rude in front of the children"

"Damage limitation"

"Not feeling comfortable enough to challenge"

I'm sorry OP but come on. You are an adult and an adult with children at that. There comes a time when you have to open your mouth and speak up.

If other people don't like that, that's entirely their choice and if they get upset about that, they obviously don't give a shit about you anyway.

New year resolution perhaps?

Livelovebehappy · 26/12/2020 15:47

YANBU being shocked at it, but YABU to give it headspace. They came, you didn’t let them in, they left. You did what you had to do.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2020 15:54

@Livelovebehappy

YANBU being shocked at it, but YABU to give it headspace. They came, you didn’t let them in, they left. You did what you had to do.

She did let them in though

Original poster

Decadoma · 26/12/2020 15:59

I get some of the criticisms levelled against me not speaking up enough and take that on board and believe me when not caught shocked its easier to think of all you should say at the time. (correct, I wasn't in shock - no need for medical intervention - sorry for using words for dramatic effect 😂).
I think I was thought rude for not inviting in properly, suggesting door left open and I think I was fairly stilted in my interaction.
I will raise it, but I'm going to give it a while. I am not good at confrontation and I find it very hard but I do try as I do try and stand up for myself and my family.
Maybe I didn't handle it as well as I could but, I think, it is a situation that none of us should be put in at the moment.

OP posts:

pinkdragons · 26/12/2020 16:14

My FIL and SIL turned up today, they travelled from London to us about 50mins if no traffic. To stand in out front garden for half an hour.

Of course SIL was freezing, it's v cold. I couldn't invite in and even said 'I don't think travelling out of our own areas is really advisable at the moment' on their suggestion they would come back during the week for a bike ride with us.
The look I got was as though I was completely out of order.
I probably was on the blunt side but I have had enough of people turning up on my doorstep standing less than a meter away. And the awkward dancing around the fact they shouldn't come in.

FrazzledChip · 26/12/2020 16:17

We're tier 3. Neighbours had 4 different households there for lunch today. He's out constantly, always got different tradesmen in with no masks and lives with an elderly relative. I completely despair at the idiots that walk amongst us. It was all I could do not to say something when I saw them all gathering on the drive as I nipped out for the bin.

Just seen on a local Facebook page a whole load of people arguing about the restrictions and the Covid deniers seem to be out in force today. I've even seen the resurgence of the 5G mast brigade in recent days.

Honestly turning them away is completely the right thing to do. Thank you (from a teacher). I'm sure there's a whole host of nurses, teachers and supermarket staff who have to go out to work who will be very grateful.

Jigglypuffler · 26/12/2020 16:18

I don't much like people turning up on my doorstep expecting to be invited in at the best of times! Let alone with how things are at the moment. Ridiculous of them to assume that you'd be OK with it and put you in that position, especially if they know your stance on covid.

AuditAngel · 26/12/2020 16:28

I popped to see a friend on Tuesday. I had a parcel to drop at the parcel shop across the road from her house. I did not know if she would be in, I planned to drop in a card and hoped for 5 minutes on the doorstep.

I was invited in, stayed 1m away and was there about 10 minutes, so minimal risk.

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 16:30

Extremely rude of anyone to turn up uninvited like that.
Even more so now.

As far as I am concerned when people land in on you like that without asking it is deliberately to not give you any choice in the matter.

A quick text to check does it suit you is very basic manners.
The fact that they don't do this is a very clear fxxk you, it suits ME to land in on you and they don't care whether it suits you or not.

I like to have a choice as to who I entertain and I really don't like it when my choice is taken away.

As for doing that at a time like this....are they a dim?

Instead of explaining yourself you should counter how rude they were and that they really embarrassed themselves.

B3ttyBoop · 26/12/2020 16:30

YANBU. What were they thinking?! Now they're moaning to others that you were unwelcoming. It's a bit cheeky turning up unannounced but during a pandemic where we've been advised to avoid going into each others homes is selfish.

QuakerShaker · 26/12/2020 16:35

Who the hell drives for more than half an hour in order to show up on someone's doorstep WITH NO PREVIOUS ARRANGEMENT?

I mean, that's just stupid (because they might be out) and rude (because it might be inconvenient) at any time. So there's a very significant chance you wouldn't get invited in anyway, Covid or no Covid.

Why would anyone choose to put their family in the car and drive for over half an hour under those circumstances? Surely anybody in their right mind would phone or text first?

Just plain weird.

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