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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws

28 replies

Bettyboop82 · 26/12/2020 11:53

Bach story -DH’s family are toxic and difficult (think alcoholism, DV lots of swearing and arguing, always a drama. They’re all mental apart from DH, MIL and one sister. The rest of them are insane.)
Us... 3 kids under 3. Christmas Day we had to drag them to MILs for Christmas dinner with loud and obnoxious in sis in laws and their families. Baby couldn’t nap because of the noise and other two littles were totally overwhelmed with masses of presents, chaos and noise. SIL was pissed and annoying, scaring littles with her pissed behaviour. I really didn’t enjoy Christmas Day at all but we feel obliged as FIL recently passed and MIL ‘doesn’t want to be on her own at Christmas’. I’ve just told OH that next year we’re staying home. He didn’t respond but I know this will be an issue. We have totally different outlooks on life (to his family) and really want to distance from them next year. They’re chavvy as hell (lip fillers, Botox, loud, shouty, kids glued to screens 24/7, nephew on COD at 9 years old). I Don’t want my children growing up round such toxic people. On the other hand am I being an unreasonable snob?

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 26/12/2020 11:56

I think you need to compromise.

Home until tea time and pop in for a quick coffee and cake.

Or why not jump in first and host MIL at yours instead?

RedHelenB · 26/12/2020 11:59

Sounds lije you're being a bit snobby yes. Christmas get together with friends and relatives equals noise imo. As does drinking.

Aprilx · 26/12/2020 12:02

This year was the perfect excuse to stay at home, could you not have done that? MIL had other company.

Mintjulia · 26/12/2020 12:09

Compromise. Let your dh take the dcs for a visit next Xmas, a couple of hours mid-morning while you tidy up the wrapping paper mess and get the last bits of lunch sorted. They have to be back with you for 2pm or whenever lunch is.

I think maybe you are being a bit lofty but I don't like my ds being with lairy drunk types either. Can't help it. I feel threatened and on edge.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 26/12/2020 12:10

Dragging 3 x dc to people's houses? No thanks..
Put the dc first next year.
Stay home..

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 12:36

Why on earth did you marry into such a family if you want nothing to do with them?

I presume no one forced you to have 3 children with a man who is from a family like that and involved with them?

Why would you bring 3 small children into such an angry, volatile setting?

You need to take a good look at yourself before you start judging his family.

Part of being a mother is protecting your child from the drunken toxic environment you chose to bring them to yesterday.

Not one child, but three....

You really need to have a think about how you got to this situation when this is what your children deserve on Christmas day.

Lots of parents would not do what you did yesterday.
They would have protected their children from such chaos.

You need to look at YOUR standards of behaviour if you think a person is a "snob" for not want their children to be reared in the midst of drunken, toxic, domestic violence.

You need to raise your bar OP....for the sake of your children.
Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2020 12:37

You didn’t have to drag your DC there.
Protect your DH from the toxic bunch

Generalblah · 26/12/2020 12:40

You should be doing what makes you’re family happiest at Christmas, yes. However, you are being a snob. Absolutely no need to include that you think they are ‘chavvy’. I’d quite like to know what makes you so lovely and perfect...

AnnaMagnani · 26/12/2020 12:41

Stay at home. Short visit on Boxing Day - it's what it's for.

Encourage MIL to come to yours.

Lazypuppy · 26/12/2020 12:41

Surely you knew what his family were like when you met him?

You need to compromise

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 26/12/2020 12:43

It sounds awful. The comment about botox and lip fillers is a bit snobby though.

It's really hard, l considered not marrying my DH because of his family. I'm glad l did marry him but they need a lot of managing. Get in there first.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 12:45

Well the botox comment definitely comes across as snobby. The loud pissed behaviour would definitely not be how I want to spend Christmas day so YANBU there but you need to compromise. Your children won't become infected with Chavitis by spending a it of time with their cousins. Maybe offer to host Mil if she'd otherwise be alone for Christmas or if Sil will be there anyway pop in and see Mil boxing day instead. The rest of the year perhaps see the in laws on neutral territory e.g. cousin play date at the park so there are no screen or alcohol issues. It's not fair to expect DH to cut off his family.

bringbacksideburns · 26/12/2020 12:45

Well your DH should have your back on this if he feels the same way and agree never again then.

Maybe next time invite MIL to your house and do lunch instead. And be firm it's just for her. She can always see the rest of them Boxing Day or vice versa.

There's always a compromise. Just because they are family it isn't the law to spend Christmas with them and your DH may need to be honest with his mum in the future and say something like... his sister gets too pissed and loud and scares your kids?

VinylDetective · 26/12/2020 12:48

The real issue here is that you and your husband aren’t on the same page, given that you foresee it being an issue next year. You need to agree a compromise.

LadyLazaruss · 26/12/2020 12:53

You need to compromise - surely you knew what they were like beforehand, so why is it a problem now?

My family can be like his (loud, sweary, and you wouldn't want to start a fight with them) but DH knew this from the beginning and was happy to give it a go and loves them now.

GimletChugger · 26/12/2020 12:56

I don't understand the comments about you being snobby or to stop judging the family.

The fact is that it's toxic behaviour which is contradictory to your way of parenting... Wouldn't it be a bit batshit not to limit their influence on your kids?!

Their behaviour sounds destructive, poor role modelling and frankly something that I wouldn't want my kids to see as normalised.

Limit their exposure, would be my advice.

Just because someone's family doesn't mean you need to condone their behaviour or live in each other's pockets.

It sounds overwhelming for your kids and even if they were balanced, caring people who didn't have DV or alcohol issues, it's a tiring time so fuck knows how I'd manage to keep on top of it all with 3 DC!

LadyLazaruss · 26/12/2020 12:59

I don't understand the comments about you being snobby

The comments about botox and lip fillers being 'chavvy' do come across as snobby though.

Ragwort · 26/12/2020 12:59

This year you had the perfect excuse to stay at home, so why didn't you?
Your MIL wouldn't have been alone, she had her DD, or you could have invited her (alone) to visit you. But clearly your DH wants to spend time with his family so you are going to have to compromise in future.

GimletChugger · 26/12/2020 13:27

comments about botox and lip fillers being 'chavvy' do come across as snobby though

But they're damaging if we see them as normal! It's not "snobby" to want references for the female beauty standard to be based on a more natural, less surgical model for daughters and sons as they grow up.

You don't have to agree with me, but how many old money, privately educated women with strong academic backgrounds and stable careers do you see in orange tan, platform heels, lip fillers and so on...?

I want more, and better, for my children to see as "the norm". Perhaps the op does too.

Calling her snobby suggests that it's a matter of taste.

To me, such beauty norms are actively harmful - unnecessary surgery at young ages etc... The op sounds like a good parent,not a snob.

Mammy20 · 26/12/2020 13:38

I think you should distance yourself and your kids from bad, toxic influence. If you think it’s not right, don’t tolerate it. It is your responsibility as a mother. I have distanced myself from many toxic people (including some family members) and don’t regret it. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you need to tolerate them. Be firm on this.

BonnieDundee · 26/12/2020 13:44

You think you're better than them so they might be relieved if you dont go next year

Ultimatecougar · 26/12/2020 13:48

They don't sound particularly toxic to me based on the Xmas day description. They just sound like they're not posh enough for OP.

In any case was that many people getting together at Christmas even legal this year? That was your perfect opportunity not to go.

SmudgeButt · 26/12/2020 14:03

This year you were with his family. Next year be with yours. Or as suggested just have MiL over. Toxic drunken behaviour is not a good example for anyone.

contrmary · 26/12/2020 14:12

It's not snobbish to not want your kids to be around such vile people. I'd have thought the OP's description of them is the very definition of "chav" so I don't see what people are worrying about. The problem is their behaviour, their drinking and violence and general volatility.

Tell your husband you've compromised by going there this year, next year it's your call as to what you do.

Nicolastuffedone · 26/12/2020 14:18

Well, you’re MiL wasn’t going to be on her own if you didn’t go, was she? I don’t think you’re snobby, I would feel exactly the same (being called ‘snobby’ doesn’t insult me in the least!) I would’ve hated having to spend time in that kind of environment.