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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be even considering a baby?!

76 replies

Evileyecherry · 25/12/2020 23:32

V quick synopsis. DH and I - for the first time ever - have been tonight talking about the possibility of another baby.

It’d be beset by issues from the get go as he’s had the snip and I’m T1 diabetic. My first two are 9 & 7.

But we are both keen and I’m wondering if anyone has had a successful pregnancy in these kind of circumstances?

OP posts:
Tigger85 · 26/12/2020 10:49

You will probably end up needing IVF with ICSI which you will need to privately fund as you already have children and he made himself infertile. Your partner can have sperm retrieved and stored when they do the reversal surgery if he wants, saves having to then have a second procedure if the reversal fails. My partner is 13 years older than me and had a vasectomy when he was in his early 30s and married. His reversal failed, they said it only had a 20% chance of working. We have one living son from IVF with ICSI, it worked first time but we have had problems trying for a second child. We have had two losses one at 8 weeks, one at 26 weeks. Three fresh cycles, two frozen and going for the fourth and last retrieval soon, we have spent around 40k, all funded by loans and credit cards. It takes on average 3 cycles of IVF to become pregnant.

Highfivemum · 26/12/2020 11:07

I would wait until after the festive period. It’s anazing how differently you may feel when you are back in the rat race of school runs and clubs/work etc. I am surprised they allowed a vasectomy with a newborn. I remember after my 4th DC my DH went to Doctor and mentioned could having the snip at which the Doctor said wait a while before you decide. Come and see me in 3 months. By the end of the 3 months we had changed our Minds and went on to have 2 more DC.
I would leave it on the table for a month then look at it again.

Taikoo · 26/12/2020 12:18

No way.
YABU.

Mommabear20 · 26/12/2020 12:22

Would you consider adoption? There's so many children needing loving families and if you have concerns about the snip reversal and your age it could be an amazing way to add to your family.

Buttercupcup · 26/12/2020 12:25

Personally the age gap would put me off you are just getting some independence back and the children are getting to an age where a toddler coming into the mix could be a challenge with teens. Maybe a puppy?
Anecdotally a colleague had twins last year in her late 30s following her DH having a private reversal, TTC for around a year.

VestaTilley · 26/12/2020 12:34

YABU. It’s your hormones talking.

With T1 diabetes and a husband who has been snipped you’d be mad to consider it- even if you got pregnant you might be beset by issues all along the way, and miscarriage is an increased risk because of your age.

Danger and heartache and it may not even happen. I’d just count your blessings and move on.

KindnessCrusader · 26/12/2020 12:37

@ivfbeenbusy I disagree. Mine range from 3-13 and love being together more than anything. We spend most of our time outside. No age limit on nature. They also spend hours making up plays, face painting, cooking, jamming in their band-they are definitely a 'real' family. Smile

compulsiveliar2019 · 26/12/2020 13:10

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Ikeameatballs

They might "dote" on them but they aren't a "family" that is going to have shared experiences - days out at the farm, going to the park etc etc - an older child close to their teen years isn't going to be interested in what a toddler wants to do for days out [/quote]
Rubbish!!! My friend has similar age gaps and the older two love going off doing stuff with the youngest. I took them to the zoo about a year ago and the eldest (who can be a bit of a typical teenager hiding off in his room) was so excited to show his little sister things and seeing her excitement. Even in the kids play barn he was off up the soft play with her and capable of looking after her - bonus was that me and their mum could actually sit and chat!

So it's not a given that they won't want to do the same experiences etc

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 26/12/2020 13:45

In your shoes I would definitely....

Get a kitten.

Original poster
Evileyecherry · 26/12/2020 14:46

I should say I’ve just turned 39. I personally know lots of the school mums who had their first at 41 - they’re nearing 50 now with children the same age as me and are very happy.

We’re also in a far better financial position than first time around and I think I’d be more relaxed.

But it’s very interesting to hear how the majority of posters are advising dead against this.

Thank you.

OP posts:
minipie · 26/12/2020 15:08

If you didn’t already have kids I would be all for it, I know plenty of parents who had their first age 39 or later.

It’s the age gap that would put me off and all the restrictions that would put on both the older and younger children. Plus the element of - you have a lovely family already, why take the risk?

DrDetriment · 26/12/2020 15:56

YABU. You have children. He had a vasectomy. You should not have both made that decision if you thought you'd want more children (and please, with the world as it is and with over population, just stick with the ones you have). If you decide to go ahead with a reversal and ivf I hope you are not eligible for any treatment on the NHS and would have to fund it privately. The NHS have enough to deal with at the moment without selfish people like you putting a strain on resources.

mistermagpie · 26/12/2020 16:01

Nothing wrong with having a baby in your late 30s, I had my children at 35, 36 and 39 and this is pretty normal where I live.

The age gap would put me off though. My eldest child was only 4 when my youngest was born and I wouldn't have wanted more than 5-6 years between them. I also had a two year old so we were still in the baby zone. I wouldn't want to go back to all that, are you sure you do?

The snip thing also. At one point you were really sure there would be no more kids, I think you you need to examine why this has changed and whether it's just because your biological clock is telling you to breed while you still can.

MsTSwift · 26/12/2020 16:01

The phase “quit while you are ahead” springs to mind.

But I hold the outrageous and unpopular opinion that no family in the west should have more than 2 children anyway - it’s unjustifiable.

beenHerebefour · 26/12/2020 16:06

Bmi Nottingham park hospital for vasectomy reversals and they are amazing there. They did my sterilisation reversal as well and they are brilliant. Vasectomy is easier to reverse than tubal ligation as well they have great success rates
T1 as long as you’re well
Controlled shouldn’t be too much of a prob just keep your hba1c as good as you can get. Good luck x

beenHerebefour · 26/12/2020 16:07

Oh and you won’t be eligible for ivf itself but ALL fertility investigations eg scans, bloods and semen analysis can be nhs funded it’s just the actual ivf that can’t be x

beenHerebefour · 26/12/2020 16:08

Plus get your TSH level tested to make sure thyroid is functioning well as that can be a factor especially if you already have an autoimmune condition so worth getting it checked just in case

Namechanger0800 · 26/12/2020 16:10

YANBU

Threads like this always seem to have an age bias and then the comment s about age gaps and a child being an 'only child' if it's deemed too large an age gap by MN. Even if that's true what wrong with being an only child anyway?

I was 42 when DD born- she has 4 older siblings, all close in age youngest being 12. They all adore her. I'm no more tired than when I had eldest at 24. Age is a funny thing - you always think the next decade is ancient but when you're there you feel just the same as you did when younger.

There was 12 years between my mum
And auntie and they also had a really
Close, loving relationship until she died.

So, I say if you want another baby and are emotionally and financially stable then why not? Don't know about the vasectomy reversal but I do know people who's have a successful reversal

Original poster
Evileyecherry · 26/12/2020 16:13

Thank you Namechanger - that’s a lovely positive comment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evileyecherry · 26/12/2020 16:14

Thanks Beenhere - my HBA1c has always been superb (even if I do say so myself)!

OP posts:
Namechanger0800 · 26/12/2020 16:18

[quote ivfbeenbusy]@Ikeameatballs

They might "dote" on them but they aren't a "family" that is going to have shared experiences - days out at the farm, going to the park etc etc - an older child close to their teen years isn't going to be interested in what a toddler wants to do for days out [/quote]
This is such bs

My teens have been to the park with DD - voluntarily btw not forced at all. One of them actually proactively asks as she likes pushing her on the swing. Two of them came to the zoo in the summer as well and we had a lovely day. Another has spent much of Xmas building towers. They take pleasure in seeing her grow and develop. If anything DD has brought the teenagers out of their rooms far more than previously.

We are a proper family and they are proper siblings ..... to think and state categorically otherwise is really quite bizarre.

Stepintochristmas · 26/12/2020 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

OhToBeASeahorse · 26/12/2020 16:26

Only you know what's right for you.

I'm standing in a darkened room rocking a newborn to sleep and fucking hating life. Doing this again would be my worst nightmare, forget waiting several years and then doing it. But that's just me - if you loved it, that's different

Badoukas · 26/12/2020 16:41

I dont think it's a good idea.

minipie · 26/12/2020 19:20

OhToBeASeahorse I have been there, you have all my sympathies. It does get (a lot) better.

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