To be even considering a baby?!

[Evileyecherry]

V quick synopsis. DH and I - for the first time ever - have been tonight talking about the possibility of another baby.

It’d be beset by issues from the get go as he’s had the snip and I’m T1 diabetic. My first two are 9 & 7.

But we are both keen and I’m wondering if anyone has had a successful pregnancy in these kind of circumstances?

Why are you both putting yourselves through this risking possible operations and death when you already have two healthy children and they have two parents. Its mad.
is there something seriously lacking in your lives that you think a child will heal?

I agree with previous posters you're looking back with rose tinted views on how lovely it would be. Even without the uncertainty of a reversal your 2 children are at a fab age and close in age, having another would be starting all over again and possibly make your third grow up feeling like an only child.

Why are you not happy with what you have? The status quo sounds good to me, why upset it? Do your older children want another sibling?

In addition to all the other issues the age gap too big now. The third would effectively be an only child.

Will inhibit what you can do as a family we have a brilliant time with ours now they older same sex 2 years apart we can travel do fun activities we all love we can do as a family ours from 8 onwards ours enjoyed quite “grown up” things that we like too like musicals eating out board games which we do as a family. Having a toddler to deal with would properly mess that up.

I really can’t empathise though I would hate to go back can’t see why anyone would want to.

My friends tried to conceive for 5 years after the snip reversal, at the time she was 39. It seems like the reversal was successful but they never conceived. She had a few chemical pregnancies but no baby.

They are both workaholics so I guess just got on with it and the two children from a previous relationship.

It must be very hard though, I wouldn’t have put myself through it if there was a choice, the reversal is about 3/4k too, not cheap.

I know two friends who have had successful reversals and gone on to have more kids. So if you can afford it why not. Live your life to the full

Do you husband had a vasectomy without telling you?

That's a pretty big then in itself to get through in my opinion.

Unfortunately knowing that would make me feel pretty determined to have another one, but that is of course irrational.

I think you need to ask yourself, why now? As pp say, your children are now at a really lovely, way age. Having another one is not just more money it is all the logistical things you can't do (eg if you want to take them ice-skating or skiing the other one has to look after the baby).

I am also biased as I am now getting divorced after recently having a third. I'm not saying that was the reason but it was a factor sadly.

Have you properly thought it through? Pregnancy, labour, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, losing your freedom, the large age gaps, the effect it will have on your DCs? The possibility of twins, miscarriage, defects?

I don’t mean to sound so negative, but you have to take everything into consideration.

I don't understand why you would want one. It's a massive age gap when you've already got two close together. Sounds like a load of hassle to me. I'd understand more if you only had one I think. But you'd be have a 10 and 12 year old and a newborn if it happened fast. I'd worry how the other two would feel, as if you'd decided they needed replacing now they were heading for teens. I am also one of three and think you have to work VERY hard to make sure each child has enough attention/support especially heading for teen years.

It wouldn't hurt to speak to an IVF clinic if you're in the position to fund it yourself.

Thing is OP, things rarely work out how we plan.

In theory you could have another baby and it would all go smoothly and you’d be happy. But what if it didn’t? You have so many factors against you here.

I know someone who decided to do similar to you but without the vasectomy in the equation, but youngest about seven and they decided they wanted another baby to make their family complete. Baby was born prematurely and now has severe, life-long disabilities which mean they are going to be carers for the rest of their lives.

You could end up with serious health complications, you could end up with a severely disabled child, or both.

And yet you have two children who are happy and healthy and your family as is is perfect you say.

You need to be careful what you’re wishing for.

Do you husband had a vasectomy without telling you? do people like to invent scenarios to increase the drama level of a thread? Where does it say that the OP’s DH had a vasectomy without telling , and why would you assume this to be the case?

I feel the same, I really want another but I'm older, too old to be parenting a teen in 15 years, so we aren't. Can you imagine dealing with a 13 year old at 53?

Why did you decide for DH to have the snip? What made you think 3 was enough children?
What is your financial situation like? It’s a big jump from to 2 to 3 kids in terms of cars, holidays etc. Kids get more expensive tastes as teens.
Do you really want to do the toddle and teenage years at the same time?

Thank you for the replies. It’s interesting to get such straight up advice.

No he didn’t have a vasectomy without me knowing. We were in the midst of toddler and newborn stage at the time and another baby was the last thing on our minds! I don’t like being on anything hormonal contraception wise.

We both think if he hadn’t have had one then we would have had more children.

Most families round here get a pet at this stage if they feeling broody - much more fun for the existing children.

I understand the instinct.

But I don't know it it's a good idea tbh.

1. Undoing the snip is a medial procedure. Risks, costs etc.

1. TTC can obviously be massively draining as well.

1. Every pregnancy has risks. What it you're put on bedrest? Need extended hospital care? That would most likely lave a rather major impact on your DC.

1. And a baby will obviously have a major impact on your family and your DC. Please don't underestimate that. Especially in the case of a disorder, special nerds etc. Which can always happen....

And those are just a few factors I'd consider.

It's up to you (you and your DH) to decide whether that's worth it.

There is a lot of age bias on this thread.
"Can you imagine dealing with a 13 year old at 53".
Good grief, I have lots of friends who have had babies in their late 30s/early 40s. I have one friend who had her third at 49!!
All are doing fine.
My husband would have been 52, 53 and 54 when our three were 13, and he was out playing football, kayaking and climbing mountains with them, like most 53 year olds.
The financial security that often comes with age, helps a lot.
Only you can decide what is right for your family OP, good luck if you do go ahead.

YABU.

That's too big an age gap - it would be like having a second family - your older kids aren't exactly Going to get any enjoyment out of a new sibling

And people wonder why the NHS is chronically underfunded when people have vasectomies paid for by it and then change their minds a couple of years later 🤷‍♀️

@Serin

There is a lot of age bias on this thread. "Can you imagine dealing with a 13 year old at 53". Good grief, I have lots of friends who have had babies in their late 30s/early 40s. I have one friend who had her third at 49!! All are doing fine. My husband would have been 52, 53 and 54 when our three were 13, and he was out playing football, kayaking and climbing mountains with them, like most 53 year olds. The financial security that often comes with age, helps a lot. Only you can decide what is right for your family OP, good luck if you do go ahead.

Everybody is entitled to their view though. I agree with you about finicial security and age.

It’s not OPs first child she has 2 already. Her husbands had the snip. She could have twins.... or a disabled child. Any of us could however at OPs LIFE STAGE it’s a bit different!! I don’t see any wrong in pointing these things out to her.

For someone to have the snip it must have been well thought through. It’s not like going on the pill.

Just why?

I don’t think it’s true to say that the older siblings wouldn’t get any enjoyment out of the new baby, I’ve got a few friends with similar gaps for various reasons and the older dc dote on the younger child.

I felt desperately broody at 40 and now, at 42, I’m pleased I didn’t go ahead. DP was set against it, we would have gone from being perfectly comfortable financially to the costs of nursery and baby stuff and my mat leave, my career would have stalled, the house would have suddenly felt too small etc etc. I was also very aware of the particular health risks to me in pregnancy and did not want to go there again. I also looked at my relationship with DP. It’s not perfect, nothing is, but I did not want to stress it with something that he would have been agreeing to only for me and pregnancy and young children are a stress.

We got cats instead.

@Ikeameatballs

They might "dote" on them but they aren't a "family" that is going to have shared experiences - days out at the farm, going to the park etc etc - an older child close to their teen years isn't going to be interested in what a toddler wants to do for days out

Teens are programmed to be self absorbed and move away from their family. They are not going to be close to a child 10 years younger than them in the way you are to a sibling you grew up with.

Seems very strange decision to me especially if previously your feelings were strong enough against another child to actually get a vasectomy!

Get a pet FGS