DP doesn't like his present

[CoffeeAndWinePlease]

DP doesn't like his main present and I feel awful about it.

It's been a tough year and we originally agreed to do no presents this year and spend the money on the house instead.

Earlier this month I (finally!) passed my driving test and DP kindly gave me some money to put towards getting a car.

In order to show my appreciation, I wanted to get him something so he had something to open and spent some time looking around and picked out (with help from his friends) a piece of jewellery for him along with other bits.
He opened it this morning and hates it.
He's not been nasty about it at all and says he feels bad about not liking it because of the effort and thought behind it.
He's adamant he's not fussed and didn't want anything anyway but I just can't help feeling like I've put a downer on Christmas by getting it so wrong.
To make matters worse, he got me a very thoughtful gift which I love.

AIBU for feeling a bit down about it? I find DP so hard to buy for and am just a bit sad that after 6 years I still can't nail it. Asking him doesn't help because he just says he doesn't want anything.

OP I think you might be married to my DH too! (God knows who 1950s1 is though )
After 14 years we have agreed that he chooses his presents. He gets something he likes and we don’t waste money.

We've spent some time looking at the jewellers website but stock is currently quite low - I guess due to Christmas.
Will either exchange for a different one or return and look somewhere else.

Feeling a bit better about it now thanks to you guys.

About to pour myself a Christmas gin and crack on with the Christmas dinner. Luckily DP thinks I'm a wonderful cook so will be pouring my heart and soul into his food today.

On one hand he feels comfortable enough with you to tell you how he feels, on the other he should know when a white lie makes someone feel good

It's really impossible to lie convincingly to your partner, and it's pointless, as even if you manage it on the day, the fact you never wore the jewellery (or used the vacuum cleaner / drill / posing pouch) would give it away and the harm is just caused later.

Giving gifts to people who have the money to buy themselves what they want will fail more often than succeed, even if you like giving gifts you must know how often they fail - you take the risk - it's not a problem that it fails, people do like the sentiment, and honesty and returning it is much better than the alternative.

When he says he wants nothing in future, just get him nothing, it's a fair request!

Don't feel bad, it sounds like his isn't bothered and is at least being honest. Both my DH and I hated each others main presents this year so they are both being returned. We laughed about it and said we would put the money towards a holiday.

I find being given gifts really stressful, because I’m very fussy and my tastes are hard for others to predict. As a result of COVID and a husband who has finally accepted I am serious when I say I don’t want a gift, I received no presents today and am honestly so happy about it.

I have everything I want and need, I’m honestly much happier when I’m not being presented with gifts and this bothers other people who want to give gifts. Perhaps your husband is the same?

I get that I’m a total arse because I also really enjoy giving gifts to people. I’ve gotten round this by insisting that we just give to children. Win-win.

Back when I was a child, 1950s, people were grateful for gifts as they didn't have much, even fairly comfortably off people didn't buy frivolous stuff, well not the ones I knew. A box of chocolates or a box of hankies were all welcome. Now people have more, have higher expectations and it is hard to get something special. I think we should just stop presents except for kids.

I'm not the OP's anything but they have been w/ him for 6 years I'd be pissed off if my partner didn't know me well enough to know what to get me especially after that long I've been married for 35 years and don't know what to get DH and he doesn't know what to get me which is hardly surprising because if you asked me for a suggestion for a present I'd like I wouldn't know what to suggest.

Gifts are so hit and miss. I have bought dh before things I am sure he will love and he just hasn't, and vice versa. It never ruins anything. Your dh knows he had a partner who loves him and went to some effort to get him a present, that will definitely make him happy :)

Honestly I think it is much better that he tells you and then you can exchange it for something he likes. This is especially important for jewllery. How many threads have there been about a crushed OP who didn't like their engagement ring? They always get advised to tell them that they want to change it. I would much rather have something I'd like/wear than being too shy to tell my partner. Don't take it personally OP.

I think on the balance of it, as much as people hate to realize it about themselves, most of us probably get the wrong gifts for most of the people we know, and I think most of us are good at smiling and pretending we are grateful to spare people's feelings. I certainly struggle to think of many gifts I've received over the years that I actually wanted. This year, we asked people not to buy us gifts. It's been a complete mercy and I'm going to make this a tradition.

@1950s1

I'm not the OP's anything but they have been w/ him for 6 years I'd be pissed off if my partner didn't know me well enough to know what to get me especially after that long

We’ve been together 22 years. Both of us still get it wrong sometimes. Take it back and change whatever it is, OP.

Jewellery is a very difficult to buy.

I think we should just stop presents except for kids

Then you can, no one is stopping you.
I don’t buy myself much that is frivolous, so I am very grateful for the lovely gifts at Christmas

Don’t feel bad.
I’m the, “difficult to buy for” person, who says - don’t buy me anything. And I mean it.
From this side of the fence, there’s be no reason to feel bad. It wouldn’t change my enjoyment of the day or my love for you, if I didn’t receive the “right” gift.
It’s far better that he was polite in telling you, and didn’t lie, than you wasted your money on something he never wore, or wore just enough (without liking it) to show appreciation.
It really is the thought that counts, when people are honest.

Our first wedding anniversary, which would have been over 7 years together, I hated the present DH got me. I couldn’t hide it, my face shows emotion and I’ve never been very good at hiding emotions on my face. But DH didn’t ruin the day just because I didn’t like the present. So neither have you. I knew it was the thought that counts and it seems like your DP does too. This year, DH has got me some lovely gifts, some surprises and some I asked for but there’ll be years when you knock it out of the park and years when you miss a bit. It’s fine.

One memorable Christmas my husband bought me a cafetiere with accompanying milk frother to make cappuccinos, it was useless.
We laugh now and it forever became the crappuccino maker.

@CoffeeAndWinePlease

We've spent some time looking at the jewellers website but stock is currently quite low - I guess due to Christmas. Will either exchange for a different one or return and look somewhere else.

Feeling a bit better about it now thanks to you guys.

About to pour myself a Christmas gin and crack on with the Christmas dinner. Luckily DP thinks I'm a wonderful cook so will be pouring my heart and soul into his food today.

That's nice that you're cooking, but don't grovel - you don't have anything to make up for and you don't have to "pour your heart and soul" into dinner to earn forgiveness - there's nothing to forgive!

Enjoy your Christmas Dinner and the rest of your day and put the present thing behind you.

The fault is his not yours

Does he normally like or wear jewellery? If not it seems an odd choice. Can you just take it back and ask him what he wants instead?

@TomasinaTiers

The fault is his not yours

The fault isn’t his either. There is no fault. It helps no-one to think in terms of fault.

Woman buys gift. Man doesn’t like it. Man is polite. They come up with an exchange plan. Everyone goes happily into the sunset.

Don’t talk about fault!

@HikeForward

Does he normally like or wear jewellery? If not it seems an odd choice. Can you just take it back and ask him what he wants instead?

Yeah. It's actually very similar to a couple he's already got just with a slightly chunkier setting, which is the problem. Loved the stone which is quite unusual so wondering whether we can take it to local jewellers and get it reset or just exchange it.

Oh god. Why can’t men be more tactful.

Such a sexist comment.

Ha - having now worked out the gist of the deleted post, I can safely say that my dear mother never had the first idea of what I'd like past the age of 15 until she died when I was 40. She'd known me FAR longer than the OP has been with her partner.
Sometimes, it's just not that easy.

Glad you're feeling better now, OP and I hope you can get a replacement that he does like. My ex-fiancé managed to buy me a ring that I didn't particularly care for as well - right stone, wrong setting (FAR too "girly") but I never told him so. "Luckily" that relationship went to shit before we actually got married, so the ring is in a box somewhere now.

I don’t buy myself much that is frivolous, so I am very grateful for the lovely gifts at Christmas Have a look on MN today about all the Christmas present angst, then think if you didn't buy presents you could buy yourself something great. Is it all worth it, so much of it is tat, so much is unneeded.

Funnily enough I don't control everyone I know so they buy me presents and so I have to buy them presents, it isn't as easy as saying just don't.

I think it is difficult if a partner buys you jewellery because if you don't particularly like it and don't wear it, it will be noticed: "Why don't you wear xyz?", etc. Other things like perfume or gloves you can get away with.

However his timing was so wrong. He could have waited a fortnight, then decided it wasn't his thing and you could have changed it without feeling so down.

Don't let it spoil Christmas for you. He was a prat to mention it today -you can emphasise that - but set it aside for now. He knows it was bought with love, and there is more to Christmas than that.

We've all done it!

I hope the rest of your day is splendid - and tomorrow.