Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to phone call

50 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:26

My ex hasn’t seen our children in 8 weeks, he has been using the pandemic as an excuse not to see them (he isn’t shielding or vulnerable Hmm ) someone in my sons class tested positive a few weeks back and he hasn’t wanted to see them since, I told him the other children didn’t need to isolate but he said “they could still have it” so hasn’t seen them. He has not asked to see them around Xmas (mind you he never has) he has asked today if he can call them to speak to them because it’s Xmas (he hasn’t called them at all in this entire time) would you allow it or not? I don’t want a meaningless phone call for him to disappear after.

OP posts:
emptydreamer · 25/12/2020 11:30

I have a similar situation with my ex, but I do allow phone calls when he asks for it (Christmas or not). So that my conscience is clear. Does not mean I am not boiling inside when I hear him promising the world to them again, and then - oh, by the way, I will be in Australia for the next couple of months.

UrAWizHarry · 25/12/2020 11:35

I think you probably need to let the kids speak to their dad on Christmas, tbh.

xmasfairybuns · 25/12/2020 11:38

It's not about your ex speaking to your DCs, it's about your DCs speaking to their father.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:40

emptydreamer That sounds about right! He said it wouldn’t be till later as he was having a “late night” Probably up drinking with his friends but too scared to see his kids.

Need to? he hasn’t bothered with them in the last 2 months? And has made no intentions or plans to see them going forward? They haven’t asked to speak to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:40

xmasfairybuns None of them have asked to speak to him, they are use to his absence. He’s never been consistent in their lives

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 25/12/2020 11:41

If he disappears forever, you need to honestly tell your kids that you never stood in the way of him contacting them and it was his choice not to. They will resent you if you withhold contact just because he's a dick. Give it time and they will realise that on their own, and know who has been there with them the whole time.

MadameButterface · 25/12/2020 11:47

I’d allow it, seeing as its Christmas, and just stand out of sight rolling my eyes to my heart’s content. You have no control over whether he pulls his socks up and becomes a decent father, the only thing you can control is your own parenting. I’d be very loth to do anything that could feed into a narrative where he deceives himself that he’s a great dad and you’re the unreasonable ex blocking contact on Christmas Day. The dc will realise what he’s like eventually.

peboh · 25/12/2020 11:48

It's a sad situation, but the only people you'll be spiting is your children. Christmas or not they probably want to speak to their dad, and you'll be the bad guy for saying no even if he's been a shit.

VinylDetective · 25/12/2020 11:49

Don’t use your children as pawns. The last thing you want is to give him any reason to say you kept them from him.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:49

They don’t know about the phone call, they never mention him. It seems like it’s something he wants to do to show people he does speak to his kids yet they haven’t had so much as a phone call in 2 months.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 11:50

I'd allow it and be delighted he wasn't arsed with them for 2 whole months.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:54

Well I’m not delighted as I didn’t make them alone, I’m disgusted by it.

OP posts:
Talia99 · 25/12/2020 11:54

If you allow it, I’d say don’t tell them until the call actually comes through - someone like this might well get distracted and not get around to calling. It’s very clear the children are low on his list of priorities

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 11:57

Of course but honestly the bastard h who becomes supposed devoted father when you finally split is hard work. You are right to be disgusted. Anyway if mine ever insists on phoning I'll make sure it is a long phone call.

RB68 · 25/12/2020 12:06

I think you have to for the Children not for him

Notdeliasmith · 25/12/2020 12:08

I would let him call for similar reasons as others above.

When your kids are older, they will see this for what it is. Dont give him the ability to blame it on you or say "I tried to call but your mean mum wouldnt let me, not even on christmas day"

Stand back and be there as a support for your kids as it plays out.

xmasfairybuns · 25/12/2020 12:09

@Givemeabreak88

xmasfairybuns None of them have asked to speak to him, they are use to his absence. He’s never been consistent in their lives
I think you need to tell them it's an option .
rawlikesushi · 25/12/2020 12:11

It's a phone call, 5-10 mins at most. I don't understand why you wouldn't allow it. To punish him I suppose, and it sounds like he deserves it, but would the dc like it do you think?

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 12:11

Yeah you don't want to do anything that helps him become a victim or hero.

PatchworkElmer · 25/12/2020 12:17

How old are DC? I’d let him call I think- don’t make him into a martyr. They’ll see him for what he is, if they haven’t already.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 12:18

Tbh I think whatever I do he will say I’ve stopped him he’s hardly going to admit just not bothering? I will allow it then since everyone thinks he should but for me kids are not just for Xmas they exist all year round not just when he is feeling guilty at Xmas I don’t think he is calling for them I think it’s for his own need to ease his guilt or to show whoever he is with “see look I do speak to my kids”

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 25/12/2020 12:18

Do you think they'll want to speak to him? If not, just dont answer the phone. If it ever comes to them questioning you why he's not in their lives, the answer wont be "because I refused a phonecall on Christmas day 2020".

It's all very well saying you never want to be the bad guy by not allowing contact but I dont think it does children any favours to let absent parents pick them up and drop them as and when they feel like it.

EThreepwood · 25/12/2020 12:20

It's a hard decision!

Yes you don't want to be seen as putting a wedge between your EX and DC but you've also got to think of their emotional and mental health if he's promising them the world and letting them down.

As an ex single mum I would allow the call but ask that he respects their needs by just talking about the present day.

When me and ex split up 4 years ago. DD1s MH went down the pan, he only saw her once to twice a month and she was hurting herself physically as well as calling herself all the names under the sun (we'll all the ones a 6 year old knows).

I talked to the school and she had pastoral help. It's been really important to me that he builds up her confidence and resilience. She's a lot better but still not 100% confident or resilient. I had to ensure that she knew me and her sister were her anchor and make sure he would turn up when he said he would (we have a drop of at his Mum's and if he's not there he gets it in the neck from her)

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 12:21

Your kids have a right to find out their father is a dick. The awkward phone call will help. Think of it as an opportunity to let him shoot himself in the foot.

Littleyell · 25/12/2020 12:21

I would take the phone call first OP. It’s unacceptable that he pops in and out when he feels it’s good enough for him.

Children need consistency!!

Did the dad send a gift/Xmas card at all?