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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to phone call

50 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 11:26

My ex hasn’t seen our children in 8 weeks, he has been using the pandemic as an excuse not to see them (he isn’t shielding or vulnerable Hmm ) someone in my sons class tested positive a few weeks back and he hasn’t wanted to see them since, I told him the other children didn’t need to isolate but he said “they could still have it” so hasn’t seen them. He has not asked to see them around Xmas (mind you he never has) he has asked today if he can call them to speak to them because it’s Xmas (he hasn’t called them at all in this entire time) would you allow it or not? I don’t want a meaningless phone call for him to disappear after.

OP posts:
corlan · 25/12/2020 12:22

It's Christmas. The season of goodwill to all men (even complete arseholes 😉)

OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 12:24

Abandoning your children is way below being an arsehole.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 12:25

He sent me some money to buy them presents. I’m not going to get excited about that, he should have been choosing presents and wrapping them not expecting me to do his work like I don’t do everything anyway. By the time he had sent money I was finished for Xmas so it was rather annoying having to then do more shopping and wrapping.

Only one will want to speak to him, I will encourage the others but like someone said I think it’s worse for a father to pick kids up and drop them constantly than just stay away.

OP posts:
ToniTheDonkey · 25/12/2020 12:25

Just out of nosiness, did he send the DC any presents?

Sunbird24 · 25/12/2020 12:29

Are the children old enough to decide if they want to speak to him? If they do, I’d be putting him on speakerphone so I could listen in too.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 12:30

Oldest is 9, not present but he sent money.

OP posts:
GirlCrush · 25/12/2020 12:38

yes of course you 'allow' it

Flibbitygibbit · 25/12/2020 12:39

I'd say let him speak to them Op so you're not the wicked witch. My ex is now scorned by my two. You reap what you sow and all that. They'll learn what he's like when they're older .

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 25/12/2020 12:41

Let him fuck op his relationship with his kids - don’t do it for him

MadinMarch · 25/12/2020 12:49

If at least one of the children isn't happy with speaking to their father, I'd tell the father to phone them tomorrow or the next day instead of today. I don't see why any of the children should be put in a position of having to deal with any of their negative feelings about their father on Xmas day, which should be a happy day for them.
It's about what's best for the children, not father.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 13:55

MadinMarch that’s how I feel, it’s not about them in his mind. And 2 of them won’t want to speak to him.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 15:03

Of course it's not about your children. It's about him.

DianaT1969 · 25/12/2020 15:39

I'm amazed that you had more than one child with this prince of men. But yes, like other PPs, I'd let him facetime them, as you don't want to be accused by your own children in future of not letting them know him.

roastedpudding · 25/12/2020 18:01

@OhioOhioOhio

Of course it's not about your children. It's about him.
Surely it's about the children being able to speak to their father ?
OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 18:02

Pp Im amazed you are so ignorant about the game abusers play. They don't actually rock up waving a red flag.

MispyM · 25/12/2020 18:04

Let them speak to him if he calls. Don't tell them about it in advance. Seeing as he may simply not call.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 18:05

roastedpudding They don’t care if they speak to him or not... sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 25/12/2020 18:07

He called btw none of them wanted to speak to him, I asked the oldest to because I felt awkward but when I told them their dad was calling they all said they didn’t want to speak. Well I’ve done my part

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 25/12/2020 18:09

If it was about the children he would be doing more than fussing to make a phone call once in two months. It is about his persona of being a supposed good daddy with a horrible x partner.

MispyM · 25/12/2020 18:11

Well I’ve done my part

Exactly. Well done (imo).

I hope they're not upset.

Twisique · 26/12/2020 17:01

I think you did the right thing, you gave them the choice.

If he sends money for presents again I would put it in their savings account.

ILovesPeanuts · 26/12/2020 17:10

I think it's important that children know their parent wanted to speak to them, even if for the wrong reasons.
Whether they talk about him or wanting to talk to him or not is irrelevant. For their well-being any limited attempts by him are likely to mean something whether they show it or not.
Also it's important that they're free to be allowed to want to speak to him - not just refusing because they know how you feel about him. I'm sure you've not let them see how you feel given their ages but sadly some people do and it does children no favours.

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 17:13

Does this useless man at least pay maintenance?

Crazybirdlady · 26/12/2020 17:28

I think you did the right thing. Don't give him the opportunity to blame you for his shitty parenting. I know that's what he will do anyway (from experience, and he'll believe his own bullshit) but you will be able to say in all honesty to your children that you never once stopped his seeing or speaking to them. Sounds like they have the run of him though.

Original poster
Givemeabreak88 · 26/12/2020 18:36

He has no intentions of seeing them , he said he “might” see them next week, he pays £7 a week maintenance.

OP posts:
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