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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Petty I know, but...

69 replies

PettyButCantHelpIt · 25/12/2020 10:12

NC
I can be highly strung, and sometimes clash with DH about ways of doing things. I admit that many of them are things that are not worth the sweat, but I can't help it sometimes. Now that DS and DD are older (14 and 16) they side with DH and I sometimes feel ganged up against. It's a horrible feeling. Even if I sometimes deserve it, I feel that DS and DD are being disrespectful.
I wanted to give a petty example, so petty, but it's made me feel really sad.
Getting ready to open Christmas presents this morning, I asked that they disposed of packaging as they went along. DH cut this off immediately, and when I tried to insist, DS and DH
DD 'joined in' in what feel like ganging up against my request and making me feel ridiculous.
Things is, none of them helped clear up the packaging afterwards, it was left to me, so I don't think I was unreasonable to request that they tidied up as they went along? Or was I?

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 26/12/2020 00:52

Do you try and control every situation?

seventhrow · 26/12/2020 00:52

Yabu - your DC should have cleared up after. Absolutely no reason why you had to make that your job and then moan about it. They are more than old enough.

VulvaPerson · 26/12/2020 01:17

Seems like common sense to tidy as you go. My 6 and 8 year old do this..

Do they never 'take your side'? Just its quite likely to not be 'ganging up' as such but them disagreeing..but you would expect, that if it was disagreement, sometimes they would 'take your side'.

Sproutgrower · 26/12/2020 01:30

Your DH popped off to cook breakfast, that still left two older children who, if old enough to have an opinion and side with dad can pick up their own mess. ‘There’s the bin bag kids mums going to help dad in the kitchen’ point made, job done, no argument

AccidentallyOnSanta · 26/12/2020 01:39

First you need prioritise. The things that are non negotiable and really make a difference. Everything else ,just go with the flow. I bet there will be less taking sides if there were fewer rules ,demands and interference with their enjoyment.

Secondly, organise yourself and lead by example. Give them a chance to do the right thing.

I have similar issues(though not as bad as you). So this morning I had the bin bag ready in the living room between me and OH. No need for a grand announcement of "we're doing this". I tidied as I went, since it was handy and he saw me doing OH did it too. DD was hit and miss, but she helped at the end, especially since the mess wasn't so overwhelming.

Pipandmum · 26/12/2020 01:43

You are letting them leave you with all the work. This morning you should have had a rubbish bag at the ready and as soon as someone opened a present said 'put the paper in here please'. You don't ask them - you tell them. Or if that felt to disruptive to the 'mood' can you not say to them - 'OK while Dad is cooking breakfast you two clean this up please'.
It takes practise if you are not used to it but you have to take back control. And have a word with your husband that he should not undermine you unless he is prepared to deal with the consequences. Your children will model themselves and relationships from what they observe. At 14 and 16 they should know better and do their share.

eaglejulesk · 26/12/2020 01:51

It really does take some of the shine off opening Christmas gifts to have to keep stopping and tidy the paper as you go. I think you really need to try to let go of these petty things which actually don't matter and just fit in with the rest of your family. I suspect it is not that they are ganging up on you, more that you have slightly unreasonable expectations.

rollinggreenhills · 26/12/2020 02:01

After unrwapping is finished, you get a bin bag, you say to the nearest dc: "Here, would you just hold that open for me for a second please". You then set to and clear up the debris, and you haven't asked them to make any effort other than hold a bag open. With any luck, the other dc will look about them, see the mess, and pitch in. You then say: "Brilliant, that's fantastic, thanks" - even if they have done practically nothing. If the other dc just sat there and watched, take the bag, tie it up, give it to them and ask them to sling it out of the back door.

No drama, and all done in no time at all.

Catsup · 26/12/2020 02:26

I think the main issue isn't that they didn't bin the wrapping as they opened. I think it's that they clearly sat on their arses after the unwrapping and left it to you to clean up. At 14 & 16 I'd be a bit 😒 as you've bought the presents, wrapped them...And then you're also left cleaning up the mess after. In our house we put a bin bag in the middle of the floor and put the paper in as we go, but that's how my mum always did it so it makes sense to me.

allthewaterinthetap · 26/12/2020 07:29

I don't have a problem, it's one bit of mess on one day, and easy to clear up in a few moments. We have reusable present bags (which I wash and iron ready for next year!) though which means no waste.

JillofTrades · 26/12/2020 07:44

I think there's two things going on.
Firstly maybe it's not ganging up but rather you being unreasonable about little things - this could have been cleaned up after.
BUT secondly, it's not ok for them to have left you to it. You have very capable older kids who should have cleaned up themselves. They probably get away with it because your dh gives them permission to. That is what you need to address.

I get you in that mess just gets to me. However I have learnt to let this go because my dh absolutely backs me up with everything. So we also had a tornado of wrapping paper all over. But while I got breakfast ready, dh got a garbage bag and both he and my ds(4yo) cleaned up and they set the breakfast table. I think if your dh supported you in this way you will find relaxing much easier.

jumperweather · 26/12/2020 08:38

I would've just said "here's a bin bag for the rubbish" leaves bin bag next to them and walks off

Doesn't need to always be a question!

DippidyDoDah · 26/12/2020 10:23

Petty if they tidied up at the end and you knew that.

Not petty if they didn't and you knew they wouldn't.

I would make it inconvenient for your kids. Ask them to tidy and if they don't then shove it all in their beds. If they leave it lying around their room, shut the door and ignore the mess. Up to them to tidy. They will eventually get the message when something gets lost under the mess, they stand on it and break it.

Also, when the kids ask you for something (food/washing) say "I don't want to do it now, let's do it later or you can get your Dad/brother/sister to do it"

DippidyDoDah · 26/12/2020 10:26

The third paragraph would be something I'd suggest after you'd sat them down and said how they made you feel and how they often make you feel (ganged up on).

Djouce · 26/12/2020 10:32

I think that sounds insanely joyless and anal on your part, OP. It reminds me of my dad, who bolts his food and leaps up to start the washing up (sink is about a foot from the table) while everyone else is about six mouthfuls into their meal, and he’s leaning over people’s shoulders to take their plates while they’re still eating and saying ‘Are you finished with that serving dish?’/‘Pass me the cutlery.’

Olivetreekeeper · 26/12/2020 10:55

@RunningFromInsanity

We make a game of it, put a bin in the middle of the room and you have to ball up the paper and throw it in the bin. Sometimes we throw it at each other first.

This what we do! Although mom now snaffles bits of ribbon for her craft box when she gets a chance. Do you take it in turns? I think when you take it in turns it makes more sense to tidy as you go because you open, exclaim over the gift then ball up and throw the wrapping in the general vicinity of the rubbish bag as the next person is handed their gift. If it's just a free for all, or everyone just has a pile which is the devil's work then stopping to clear up after each gift would feel like a real chore!

But, this isn't about the wrapping paper really. It's about you feeling like you are t respected in your house. I think as PP have said, you need to re-evaluate what is important and when it is important. Yes you like to run a tight ship, but it was Christmas and your family probably wanted a break from your rules. One of my good friends had a father who was so strict and 'house proud' that all gifts had to be moved upstairs and out of the way within 10minutes of opening finishing. She never remembers the joy of the morning, just the upset of being told off by her dad if stuff wasn't cleared away straight away. Pick your battles and remember the bigger picture.

Redlocks28 · 26/12/2020 10:58

We had a recycling bag in the middle of the lounge and everyone just screwed up their paper and lobbed it in there-either as they went along or afterwards-seemed to work ok.

What were your kids doing whilst DH made the breakfast and you tidied up?? Did you tell them to join in?

HollowTalk · 26/12/2020 11:06

I think a lot of posters are ignoring the fact that the OP feels like they are ganging up on her. That is a really really horrible feeling and it's hard to think your husband doesn't know exactly what's going on. He's the hero for saying "Leave the rubbish on the floor!" and then making breakfast, yet he's leaving all the mess for his wife to clear up. I feel for you.

Imiss2019 · 26/12/2020 12:13

He didn’t leave all the mess he went to make breakfast besides its scooping up paper and putting it in a bag hardly a whole house deep clean.
If they were ganging up maybe it was just a way to protect the fun so the OP couldn’t suck the joy out of it with her inability to chill out over some paper. Why does the OP get to decide the tone of the day? Especially if it makes it less enjoyable for the 3 others in the house?

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