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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Petty I know, but...

69 replies

PettyButCantHelpIt · 25/12/2020 10:12

NC
I can be highly strung, and sometimes clash with DH about ways of doing things. I admit that many of them are things that are not worth the sweat, but I can't help it sometimes. Now that DS and DD are older (14 and 16) they side with DH and I sometimes feel ganged up against. It's a horrible feeling. Even if I sometimes deserve it, I feel that DS and DD are being disrespectful.
I wanted to give a petty example, so petty, but it's made me feel really sad.
Getting ready to open Christmas presents this morning, I asked that they disposed of packaging as they went along. DH cut this off immediately, and when I tried to insist, DS and DH
DD 'joined in' in what feel like ganging up against my request and making me feel ridiculous.
Things is, none of them helped clear up the packaging afterwards, it was left to me, so I don't think I was unreasonable to request that they tidied up as they went along? Or was I?

OP posts:
Lookslikerainted · 25/12/2020 11:29

I assume you thought of and organised all the gifts but they can’t even do one thing for you? It’s not your problem, your family (being led by DH) are being selfish. Sorry op.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/12/2020 11:46

Please, it’s simply not worth getting worked up over anything so minor. Especially at Christmas.

Let me tell you a little story. One Christmas Eve ages ago, when the dcs were still young, and I was out doing some last minute shopping, my dh took it into his head to water the Christmas tree - a huge one, in a bucket of wet gravel.

Only he didn’t think to check the water level, so it spilled out, all down the red crepe paper I’d wrapped the bucket in, and on to our still fairly new, pale green carpet.
Where it left a red stain that was never going to come out.

I was absolutely livid with dh for doing something so unbelievably stupid.
But my widowed mother who was staying, very wisely told me to put it in perspective, nobody was ill or dying, we were fortunate in so many ways, it was so minor in the great scheme of things.

I’ve often thought of that when tempted to lose my rag over relatively little things. And Christmas is about the last time when you ever want the poisoned aftermath of a row hanging in the air, especially for the kids. I speak from experience here - in former times my mother had not always taken her own advice!

RB68 · 25/12/2020 11:53

I agree sometimes you need to let go but also sometimes they then need to face the consequence of their decision and be responsible for tidying up. Stop running round tidying after them it does them no good

Original poster
PettyButCantHelpIt · 25/12/2020 12:02

The only consequence is for me as I am the only one who suffers from the mess. They couldn't care less. Even being responsible for tidying up will become a pain for me, having to ask them and then remind them a million times.

OP posts:
SilentlyLaughing · 25/12/2020 12:12

@PettyButCantHelpIt

I have very low tolerance for mess like that, that's my problem, so I end up upset either way.
As do I as I have diagnosed OCD. However I wouldn’t be insisting on tidying up wrapping paper after each gift is opened. That’s a sure way to kill the excitement and mood of Christmas. It causes me a bit of angst, but it’s not fair to dictate how my family open presents, so I focus on my own gifts and tidy after myself only & it’s all tidied at the end.
DrDetriment · 25/12/2020 12:19

It sounds like you're used to freaking out over small things and the others are tired of accommodating you. Just try to relax, it's Christmas.

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2020 12:31

The only consequence is for me as I am the only one who suffers from the mess suffers is quite a strong word, is the mess horrendous or just the wrapping paper?

MaskingForIt · 25/12/2020 12:41

If they don’t want to tidy up wrapping paper during OR after, then next year presents aren’t wrapped. Keep them upstairs and just give the presents out in a bag.

TillyTopper · 25/12/2020 15:13

You shouldn't have to run round after them, but are you sure you're not so over the top they are getting fed up with some of the controlling? I'm sorry but Getting ready to open Christmas presents this morning, I asked that they disposed of packaging as they went along* sounds joyless!!

DillonPanthersTexas · 25/12/2020 15:41

On Christmas day, my living room looks like Mogadishu by 4pm, the kitchen looks 80s Beirut by 5pm. Trying to keep a tight ship today around house is just putting you on a collision course with disappointment. Let your hair down, relax, pour a glass of wine, have a laugh with your family, there are plenty of poor sods out there alone today

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 25/12/2020 16:10

Let them enjoy Christmas, sorry but when it’s your issue then you need to deal with it, not expect others to ruin their day to accommodate.

Witchend · 25/12/2020 16:10

I think you were asking a bit much on Christmas day.

Suggest next time, when they've finished you'll get a bin bag and they can clear up the wrapping paper into that.

We have one who places each piece of wrapping paper carefully into the bin. One who tosses it everywhere, one who chucks it randomly at the bin and sometimes gets it in.
They know at the end they have to pick up their paper (I colour code the stockings after the disaster of getting them mixed up one year!) so I know whose it is, and they don't make a fuss.

ScrapThatThen · 25/12/2020 18:01

Can you give examples of what they actually said? Because I don't think it's unreasonable for them to disagree with you, but then you can come back and say 'well I assume I will be tidying this up while dad cooks breakfast and so I thought that I would make my job easier. The house being tidy is important to me.' Or, 'we can agree to disagree but this is how I would like to do it'. But if they were actually mocking you then stronger words asserting your right not to be spoken to like that.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 25/12/2020 19:10

Having asked them nicely, ad they declined l would not have picked it up. You are not their slave.

persistentwoman · 25/12/2020 19:16

Isn't this about the warmth and excitement of Christmas - sharing the opening of presents? Will the world collapse if wrapping paper is not immediately tidied away? Isn't that lovely warm time what 'memories are made of'? Not who tidied up the paper?
Pick your battles OP - I'm not sure that rigidly enforcing a tidy up as presents are being opened is the hill I'd want to die on Confused

TaraR2020 · 25/12/2020 19:26

Hi Op

I don't think YABU about feeling ganged up upon and you highlighted the example as being very pretty so don't think you should be harangued for that - we all get upset over petty things from time to time and like on this occasion, there may be an underlying bigger issue which is the one you wanted to talk about.

Personally, I think your children should have cleared up afterwards but this is by the by.

Do you think they side with your DH because you're the main disciplinarian? In which case I think there are two conversations to have: one with your DP about not undermining each other parental and one with your children about what is permissable and what is disprespectful/rude.

My parents wouldn't have stood for it, but obviously as teenagers your children will be challenging your authority or voicing their own views about how things should be done.

They should be permitted their voice, you can acknowledge their views, but they also need to accept it's your house and your rules.

In 20 years time you can feel smug when they realise they've adopted all your foibles in their own homes.

In the meantime, try not to let it ruin your day and wait until Christmas is over before you discuss with your DH. Keep the emotion largely out of it and present a logical argument, backing it up with how it makes you feel.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the rest of the evening!

TaraR2020 · 25/12/2020 19:27

*Undermining each other parentally

SpaceOp · 25/12/2020 19:37

The question is are all the issues this petty? Because if so, it would be exhausting to live with you. I'm sorry. DH hates the mess of christmas wrapping paper so tends to pick it up as it goes. I generally will grab a few bits and pieces too and stuff them away too. But if he expected all of us to stop and tidy after each gift, I'd be very unhappy.

The issue seems to be that at heart, you feel like you're being taken for granted. It's hard to tell from this one example, particularly as your Dh then went off to prepare breakfast so it's not like you were doing everything. If you feel the DC don't do enough perhaps, then that IS something you should work on and that DH should help with by backing you up when you say DC have to a particular chore.

Lolalovesmarmite · 25/12/2020 20:26

I have a sister who would probably describe herself in the way that you do. The reality is that she is controlling and borderline abusive. I’m not saying that you are the same, but the fact that you describe yourself as ‘highly strung’ speaks volumes. I wonder how your husband and children would describe you.

k1233 · 25/12/2020 22:16

"Even being responsible for tidying up will become a pain for me, having to ask them and then remind them a million times."

Instead of nagging them to do chores, on your time line, have you tried saying x needs to be done by Sunday and then not nagging? My mother wants everything done the minute she asks. I had forgotten how irritating it is.

Imiss2019 · 25/12/2020 22:42

DH can be a bit like you and to be honest it’s exhausting and sucks the joy out of things. I used to do things his way to avoid his moods but now the kids are older I must admit we do go down the take the piss out of him route. I know it’s a no no to undermine the other parent but frankly after 15 years I’m sick of his needs and wants and rules taking priority and dragging us all down.
I cannot state strongly enough just how much it gets you down dealing with someone else’s inability the just let the little things go. It can be fucking joyless.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 25/12/2020 23:33

Getting ready to open Christmas presents this morning, I asked that they disposed of packaging as they went along. DH cut this off immediately, and when I tried to insist, DS and DH DD 'joined in' in what feel like ganging up against my request and making me feel ridiculous. Things is, none of them helped clear up the packaging afterwards, it was left to me, so I don't think I was unreasonable to request that they tidied up as they went along? Or was I?

My dad always does this and I have always hated it. I barely had time to look at and enjoy my presents before being badgered about ‘Are we saving this wrapping paper? Can I throw it away? Where’s the bin bag? Clear this away before opening anything else!’

I asked one year ‘Please don’t stand over me with the bin bag; it really ruins my enjoyment’. He still did. Maybe your husband and kids are sick of having to do anything for a quiet life .

RunningFromInsanity · 26/12/2020 00:07

We make a game of it, put a bin in the middle of the room and you have to ball up the paper and throw it in the bin. Sometimes we throw it at each other first.

Littleyell · 26/12/2020 00:10

@PettyButCantHelpIt

I have very low tolerance for mess like that, that's my problem, so I end up upset either way.
I think you need to relax if you are this uptight on Xmas day. There’s no logic in unwrapping one present and then disposing of the wrapping paper individually. Your DC can do it after they have opened everything.

You sound like a bit of a kill joy. Next time leave them to sort it.

Notonthestairs · 26/12/2020 00:25

We had to get rid of paper as we unwrapped today (young excitable chewy dog). It did not add to the joy.

By all means continue being "highly strung" - who gave you that label I wonder? - but delegate.

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