To suddenly feel insecure in my relationship.

[ourdogboris]

Hi,

I'm a 32 year old female with a 31 year old boyfriend. We have been together for coming up 2 years and things are amazing. I was so sure he was the man I was going to spend my life with. There have been no red flags and everything has genuinely been amazing. We have so much fun together, and have planned our futures together.

Here's the problem - on the sofa the other night something on the tv sparked a conversation about whether we believe in love at first sight. He said, "I always thought it was a load of shite until it happened to me, although it did only happen the once". I started laughing and said, "with me obviously". He just kind of laughed and then didn't continue.

So I pushed it and asked if it was me, he finally admitted it wasn't but was a girl he dated briefly for 8 weeks (which he never told me about) just a month or two before meeting me. He didn't want to speak about it but I kept asking as I found it so bizarre he never mentioned this "love at first sight girl".

He said they had an instant connection and didn't believe in soulmates etc but said the connection and 8 weeks with her was really intense. They stopped dating because she was an alcoholic and at first he thought he could handle it but soon found out he couldn't.

I asked if he ever thinks about her and he just said from "time to time" and I asked if she wasn't an alcoholic would they still be together and he sighed and said probably. I asked her name and then the conversation was kind of over.

I looked her up on Instagram and she is very pretty, and put one post up of her smiling with the caption, "smiling like f**k because I'm 5 months sober"!

I feel so sick to my stomach, why didn't he ever mention her. He also told me it took him a while to get over her so he would still have been upset when we first met.

Now she's sober I am so worried he will go back to her, she's very pretty and he has openly admitted he felt this huge connection which I feel I can't compete with.

It was 8 weeks of his life, how does that trump 2 years with me?

I honestly don't think I can get past this.

AIBU??

Yanbu, this sounds really odd and I wonder why he told you?? It seems really stupid and insensitive of him. How has he been since?

Wowwwww I can’t believe he said that. Sorry OP. Is he in contact with her?

He just said what he thought before he thought about it. You kept digging.
It was 2 months🤷🏻 2 and something years ago.
Leave her instagram alone and just concentrate on your relationship not "what ifs".

@Killerphoto it was like he just kept digging himself a bigger hole. He has been just his normal self since, it's me that can't seem to get it out of my head and he's mentioned I've been quiet.

@Starllyow well...I looked and they are friends on Facebook but they don't follow each other on Instagram and don't seem to interact on Facebook but I don't know if they are in contact as I haven't asked and wouldn't check his phone.

It was almost as if as soon as he said it he instantly regretted it as he then had to explain himself. But we have discussed all our exes and he never mentioned her and I'm not sure why. Surely if they had such an intense connection he would have mentioned it ?

Oh how awful for you, I would feel the exact same OP.

I'd need a shit load of reassurance and conversations about it all before I could think about getting past it. Yes you went digging but he brought the fact up, he could of lied.

I'm sorry, sending hugs

YANBU to feel a bit upset, miffed and yes insecure. It’s never nice to hear or realise that our partners have had intense feelings before us. We want to somehow believe that before us they never knew love! We blew everything else out of the water

But the reality is, what he had with her was probably more like lust and a need or feeling to look after her or to be the hero - I’m just guessing from situations in my own past where I’ve met this artistic, crazy, free spirited guy who I’ve felt I could fix or save and then we’ve had this intense quick fling where I’ve felt totally in love.....: until I realise that he’s just a messed up idiot with addiction problems who can’t hold down a job and goes on weekend long benders....

What I’m saying is he may have felt a rush of feelings, he may even believe it was love and maybe if she had have been sober they’d have stayed together- but she wasn’t and they didn’t. His life moved on through his own choice and he met you and fell in love - adult, secure and respectful love - with you.

I think he’s been a bit daft getting into the detail with you, it would have been a bit kinder to omit details or choose his words more carefully but it’s his heart and his past after all.

If I were you I’d leave it until you can approach it without being upset and ask to talk a little more about it because you can’t help but feel insecure and it has knocked your confidence a little because you just wasn’t expecting it.

I think you would be unreasonable to leave what you’ve described as an amazing relationship for the fact your partner had an intense and brief love affair in his past before knowing you. Most ppl have. Most wouldn’t openly talk about it to a new partner but most ppl have that one relationship in their past where they lost their head a little bit. Unless he’s given you any other reason to worry then you need to air your insecurities and try to work through it

Is he in touch with her?

If you've not seen any other suspicious behaviour, it sounds like he got on with her but because it ended so soon and there was a big obstacle (the alcoholism) which made it feel doomed, he remembers that period as burning brighter than it probably ever did in reality.

Short relationships where you felt a click are a beast to get over. They don't have chance to fizzle or go wrong so you only remember the initial intensity. However, there's nothing to say this would have gone well long term or they had any real compatibility. 2 months isn't long enough to know that.

I think an 'instant connection' can just be that the 2 people were in a similar mood and mindset when they meet and so are very receptive to each other's good points if that makes sense. Hence you can have an amazing date and the person disappears. In this case it lasted a couple of months but that doesn't mean they really knew each other well enough to say if it would have worked or there was a real, long lasting connection there. It's no comparison to a long, loving relationship that has proven itself.

He was insensitive in telling you this. Try not to keep looking on her Instagram.

I could imagine giving such factual answers under interrogation. I wouldn’t let this spoil what you have.

Yikes, this would stress me out as well op I dont really have any advice other than try not to obsess about it. The worst thing here would be for you to actually create an issue out of it to the point you end up breaking up

Thanks everyone. Also the other thing that worries me is that he says he thinks about her from "time to time". If he was over her why would he be thinking of her, someone he had an 8 week fling with.

I could understand if a serious long term relationship but I don't give anyone I've dated any thought. Never mind from time to time.

I think you're all right though. I need to calm down and sit on this a few days. Has put such a dampener on our Christmas.

He told you the truth when you asked.Would you have rather he lied to you.

You are in your 30s,how about some cop on.

You're just going to have to have it put with him again probably. Otherwise you'll just stew on it and that'll do you no good at all

Depends how much you pushed him I suppose? I'm a little surprised he told you when the obvious thing to do to avoid all this aggro and upset would have been to just have said ' ha yes, of course with you!' or words to that effect

So he's either a super honest person who's been pushed by you and has just told you the info factually as you've pressed him. Or he's still mooning over her and is letting you know this

We don't know him or his personality so only you can answer that one. But if i was you I'd ask him to explain to you once more and tell him I felt insecure about what he's said. He will want to reassure you I'm sure

You asked....well you kept digging at him until you got an answer then didn't like what you heard? 🤷‍♀️

I imagine lots of people aren't currently with people for whom they had that "love at first sight" moment (or more likely lust at first sight) -
If you fall in love fast you can just as easily fall out of love fast. Slow growing love has a tendency to be more stable and last longer

YANBU to be upset. It's normal. To be when someone has had different feelings for someone else. But YABU to ask him questions and then get upset that he has given you honest answers. Maybe it would have been kinder to say he never thinks about her for example but how would you have felt if you'd guessed that was a lie? Do you not think his feelings for anyone would be different after 2 years from how they were at 8 weeks? Lots of relationships that are intense at the start fizzle out because after the chemistry has gone there isnt much else in common and lots of relationships that were a slow burn end up lasting. A relationship based on initial 'lust' or 'connection' isnt somehow better overall.

I have had strong connections with people initially in the past. I have exes I still think about from time to time. But not in a 'i wish I was still with them' way or thinking about them when I'm having sex type of way. Just memories from when I was younger and wondering how they're doing now type of way. And even though things were intense at the time, I know that we weren't right for each other and I don't wish it had worked out with them and not my husband.

I think you do need to speak to him and try and not accuse or get upset because he hasn't actually done anything wrong other than be a little insensitive

So I pushed it and asked if it was me

Sometimes the truth hurts. Maybe he should have lied, but maybe you shouldn't have pushed for answers. We all have a past and somethings are left well alone.

Well, he was daft to say that in the first place but you really shouldn't have pressed further. I think of my exes from time to time. I even stalk them on social media sometimes out of sheer curiosity. My ex DH in particular had a huge impact on my life, we were together all through uni and many years afterwards. I had a very special connection with him. It doesn't mean I would drop my current partner, it just means I have a past, we all do.

I'd maybe tell him you're upset about how fondly he spoke about her and need some reassurance. The move on.

Yabu. Dont fish for compliments and then you'd be none the wiser. In some instances ignorance is bliss and this is one of them.

@ourdogboris

Thanks everyone. Also the other thing that worries me is that he says he thinks about her from "time to time". If he was over her why would he be thinking of her, someone he had an 8 week fling with.

I could understand if a serious long term relationship but I don't give anyone I've dated any thought. Never mind from time to time.

I have been married a long time. I still think about past boyfriends/flings from time to time.

I am old. I am not dead.

So you pushed and pushed and pushed because you couldn’t let it go. And then when he told you the truth you think you have a right to be upset.

Don’t ever ask questions if you’re not prepared for the answers.

Lots of people would likely still be with someone else if their relationships with them had worked out. Most divorced women on here would still be married if things in the relationship hadn’t changed. No-one gets together with someone thinking it’s all going to go wrong, and sometimes that someone is the one you have a connection with. But that connection is broken when they reveal who they are...

I've been happily married to my DH, we've been together for 15 years. I still think about my exes from time to time and do think about one in particular who I was completely besotted with for a few weeks.

It honestly means nothing to me. The life I've built with DH means so much more to me than a few memories from the past. Please just put it behind you and concentrate on your future with your DP.

Do you have the type of relationship where you could discuss this further without it causing friction?

Also the other thing that worries me is that he says he thinks about her from "time to time". If he was over her why would he be thinking of her, someone he had an 8 week fling with.

We all think of exes from time to time. Can be quite regularly. Doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Ohhh I’m so sorry that must have been such a hard conversation ☹️ Maybe he didn’t tell you because she wasn’t a proper gf? Just was seeing her for a couple of months so didn’t really count her as an ex?
I can see why you’re upset/worried... I’d dwell on it too, but in reality, he’s been with you for two years, you’ve said your relationship is great. And that instant connection That lasted 2 months isn’t comparable to 2 years with you where he probably knows you inside out and could Probably list off tons of reasons why he loves you... sounds like they had some lust That didn’t work out, and you guys have a much stronger deeper relationship.
And you don’t know that when he says he thinks of her from time to time that it’s in a ‘what could have been’ way- I’m happily married but my ex’s sometimes pop into my head, Say if I see a name like theirs or something that I relate to them. Doesn’t mean I still pine after them At all. Sometimes I think men think a little differently to us and he may not even have realised how that sounded!!!
I hope you manage to put it out of your head and have a nice Christmas

I would react the same so this is not criticism, but, he said he loved her ‘at first sight’ and they had an ‘intense connection’ not that he still loves her, loves her more than you.

He had a romantic intense fling that ended. It does not mean he doesn’t love you deeply and you mean more to him.

I think you’ve over thought this and taken what he said out of context.

On this video three psychologist refers to love stories and life partners. Basically how we look for different things in each. Sounds like she was a love story and you're the life partner. Each requires different things to exist like a coming together of values. So, he's choosing you for a long time for everything you have all a partner. Forget about the other flash in the pan girl ....