To suddenly feel insecure in my relationship.

[ourdogboris]

Hi,

I'm a 32 year old female with a 31 year old boyfriend. We have been together for coming up 2 years and things are amazing. I was so sure he was the man I was going to spend my life with. There have been no red flags and everything has genuinely been amazing. We have so much fun together, and have planned our futures together.

Here's the problem - on the sofa the other night something on the tv sparked a conversation about whether we believe in love at first sight. He said, "I always thought it was a load of shite until it happened to me, although it did only happen the once". I started laughing and said, "with me obviously". He just kind of laughed and then didn't continue.

So I pushed it and asked if it was me, he finally admitted it wasn't but was a girl he dated briefly for 8 weeks (which he never told me about) just a month or two before meeting me. He didn't want to speak about it but I kept asking as I found it so bizarre he never mentioned this "love at first sight girl".

He said they had an instant connection and didn't believe in soulmates etc but said the connection and 8 weeks with her was really intense. They stopped dating because she was an alcoholic and at first he thought he could handle it but soon found out he couldn't.

I asked if he ever thinks about her and he just said from "time to time" and I asked if she wasn't an alcoholic would they still be together and he sighed and said probably. I asked her name and then the conversation was kind of over.

I looked her up on Instagram and she is very pretty, and put one post up of her smiling with the caption, "smiling like f**k because I'm 5 months sober"!

I feel so sick to my stomach, why didn't he ever mention her. He also told me it took him a while to get over her so he would still have been upset when we first met.

Now she's sober I am so worried he will go back to her, she's very pretty and he has openly admitted he felt this huge connection which I feel I can't compete with.

It was 8 weeks of his life, how does that trump 2 years with me?

I honestly don't think I can get past this.

AIBU??

It’s an upsetting thing to have to hear about, but it was a short intense fling, those sorts of connections very often don’t turn in to long relationships because they burn out. The fact your DP has been so direct is reassuring. He hasn’t done anything wrong, we all have exes. It’s completely normal to think of exes from time to time.

You’ve said yourself your relationship is great. Give yourself a bit of time to get over this, but I wouldn’t personally dig into it any further.

When you first meet someone it is more intense and everything is more full on. Then it calms down. He was only with her for the intense exciting bit so that is what he remembers! It didn’t work out even in that intense and exciting period so the boring mundane stuff wouldn’t work out anyway so you don’t need to worry.

Oh heck.

Has he settled with you because he couldn't make a go with the love of his life/love at first sight woman? Some/quite a few men don't like being alone and appear ok to just 'be' with someone rather than alone.

I feel for you @ourdogboris

I would never be able to get over that OP. What was he thinking telling you that?

I think at 31 and 32 two years is a long time to date with no engagement ( if that's what you're looking for long term). Now he's thrown this in. I suspect you're not his dream girl and are just ok for now. I would step away

Everyone thinks about past partners now and then. I even occasionally think of one night stand partners from college 20 years ago! I was madly in love with a guy from my course. He was utterly gorgeous. He had a girlfriend. He was my go to “daydream” guy for years. I still occasionally think fondly of him. However in the meantime I had other relationships, married, had a kid, divorced and now have a new partner. I still have a soft spot in my heart for this guy but my life moved on and I’m good with that. I wouldn’t tell my current partner, it’s none of his business and my little bit of love for my University crush doesn’t distract from the lots of love I have for my current partner. Your DP should have kept quiet!

I met someone once I had an instant connection with. Only met them for one day and spent the day and evening with them, but I cried when they left and still think about them very occasionally, more than 20 years later... Not in an "if only" way, more marveling at the intensity of the (non sexual) connection we had. It's no reflection on my relationship with my DH.

I wonder if your DP experienced similar.

Also in terms of discussing your exes, I find that all a bit weird how people, especially in their 30s, are so interested in previous partners. Why do they need to know and why is it anyone's business?