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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I selfish to visit Tier 4

54 replies

Whatisthis543 · 23/12/2020 21:11

I understand the rules but am trying to apply some logic. If my DP and I self isolate (see nobody/wash all deliveries) for 14 days before going and then isolate for 14 days upon returning home, are we being selfish?

We would drive down and have no contact with others for 28 days (14 days each side)

What so mumsnetters think?!

OP posts:
ChristmasBubble · 23/12/2020 23:02

What does he think? It's entirely up to him whether he wants to take the risk or not and with a vaccine literally around the corner I would be risk assessing it very carefully.

HangOnToYourself · 23/12/2020 23:05

It would be allowed if he is your bubble wouldnt it? And based on your precautions I dont see how it could cause deaths?

Orchidflower1 · 23/12/2020 23:09

He’s not your bubble - don’t make it something it’s not. Much as I’d love to see family I won’t because it’s not safe and I’m not selfish.

How are you going to get there? Are you going to stop? How would you feel if the day after you show symptoms? How would you feel about bringing the virus to your lower tier area? I wouldn’t want you to if you’re my neighbour.

The rules are their to keep us all safe.

Orchidflower1 · 23/12/2020 23:12

How does your gdad get his shooing? Who brings it and wipes his?

Sausagedog1 · 23/12/2020 23:16

Course just do it.

ktp100 · 23/12/2020 23:25

We're all making sacrifices, OP.

Why can't you just do the right thing and stay home?

ktp100 · 23/12/2020 23:27

As an aside, it's genuinely depressing to see how many people on here are saying you should go ahead and rule break.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON THIS SHIT WILL DRAG ON AND ON AND ON!!!

1Morewineplease · 23/12/2020 23:27

If it's in Tier 4 then you shouldn't. But you do what suits you.

Souperspooker · 23/12/2020 23:28

I think it needs to be his choice. we care for 93 yr old husband's dad. Minimal care, just shopping, and checking really, odd jobs. But even as support bubble , we have been v cautious going in his house all year, always ask permission his first as situation changes. Always with mask indoors , hand washing etc.

Think carefully re permission, and any communication needs -would a letter help if hearing is dodgy? I often write stuff down so that I'm certain he fully comprehends. Informed consent - does he 'get it'?

Also think how you would feel if the worst happened and he did catch it from you. Then Again how will you feel 10 years from now if you don't visit.

Perhaps wait a few weeks as he will likely have vaccination soon and then much safer to visit. fIL has just had his first jab, second is in 3 weeks.

Big decision, I do sympathise as have been agonising over this all year. Do we do social visits with kids to cheer him up / not etc .

Difficult, good luck!

Pmspiers7 · 23/12/2020 23:37

It’s okay you going into a higher tier but most COVID tests are not that accurate so are you prepared to take the consequences if by any chance you can spread it

EggnogAndAMincepie · 23/12/2020 23:39

Normally I'd say you WBU but in this situation I'd tell you to go. I stopped seeing my DGM right back when this virus first started. Mainly because of my job and I didn't want to put her at risk. I never saw her again. She died in August

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/12/2020 23:43

@ktp100

As an aside, it's genuinely depressing to see how many people on here are saying you should go ahead and rule break.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON THIS SHIT WILL DRAG ON AND ON AND ON!!!

Someone isolating fir 28 days bar visiting her 93 yo Grandfather is NOT the reason we are in this mess. Stop posting that Shute on every thread, it becomes meaningless when used inappropriately & frequently

@Whatisthis543.

If you can 100% isolate properly and fill the car before you go etc then I think the risk is only to your GF.

Personally I'd wait until he's had his vaccine, but I don't think you're being selfish.

My cousins are taking my Aunty down to their house for Christmas. She'll be staying with 2 adults & 4 kids two college age, 2 yr7. And being visited by at least 2 other adults with 2 primary age kids. All adults working, all kids just broke up from school etc.

Absolutely no isolating will be taking place.

She's 92

🤦🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️😢.

I'm scared witless I might not see her again 😢

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 23/12/2020 23:45

@Pmspiers7

It’s okay you going into a higher tier but most COVID tests are not that accurate so are you prepared to take the consequences if by any chance you can spread it
Well that's not correct, you're not supposed to go IN or OUT of T4.
pigsDOfly · 23/12/2020 23:48

@1Morewineplease

If it's in Tier 4 then you shouldn't. But you do what suits you.
Yes, because 'doing what suits you' is clearly the best thing for everyone to do in the middle of an epidemic.
nitsandwormsdodger · 23/12/2020 23:56

You are allowed to visit someone you think might die
You can get tested just to be doubly sure

thosetalesofunexpected · 24/12/2020 00:09

Hi Op
You sound very sensible at these sort of things relating to Tier 4 rules.
Go for it definately vist your Grandfather.
Aslong as you stick to rules.
Hope grandfather is ok
Wishing you good Xmas .

Kolo · 24/12/2020 00:59

Just wanted to add that one of the reasons for preventing movement in tier 4 areas is to try to reduce the 'usual' demand on the NHS - to reduce traffic accidents for example. Isolating for 14 days won't reduce the risks of travelling.

I realise those risks are very small, though. It's got to be a decision you weigh up yourself.

Shmithecat2 · 24/12/2020 01:05

As long as your grandfather is ok with it, then I don't think YABU. I'd love to go visit DH's Nana (she's 95, in Tier 4, I'm Tier 3), but I know that as much as she would like to see me, she wouldn't be comfortable with it... just make sure your DGF is.

Orchidflower1 · 24/12/2020 06:55

@Whatisthis543 are you going to come back and tell us what you’ve decided?

What I’d l think you need to realise is that your grandad is important to you, my Nan is important to me, my friend with health issues needs the nhs. None are more important than the other. EVERYONE needs to follow the rules.

So hypothetically you break down. AA comes- is your grandad more important than the AA man?His family don’t think so?

Is your Grandad more important than his carers? The carers child doesn’t think so.

See what I mean EVERYONE is important to SOMEONE. If EVERYONE does what they like, bends the rules to suit themselves SOMEONE could get it and die.

Please don’t be selfish.

orangenasturtium · 24/12/2020 13:02

@ktp100

As an aside, it's genuinely depressing to see how many people on here are saying you should go ahead and rule break.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON THIS SHIT WILL DRAG ON AND ON AND ON!!!

No, it really isn't.

The risk of OP transmitting the virus to her DGF is negligible if they self isolate for 14 days, as is the risk of them catching the virus from her DGF and passing it on outside their household if they self isolate for a further 14 days. Some studies show that only 2% of people are infectious 10 days after symptoms start, others have been unable to culture the virus at all 9 days symptoms begin. Add on the average time for symptoms to develop of 5 days, you have 14 days. The risk is minimal and it can be mitigated further by meeting outside or having good ventilation, socially distancing, wearing masks etc

If anything, two people voluntarily self isolating for an entire month could actually have a positive effect on transmission in the community, especially when you take into account that the greatest risk of transmission is in the 2 days before symptoms appear when people are out and about and don't know they have the virus. If they are self isolating, that is 2 less people in the population who can catch and pass on the virus for 28 days. Obviously how much of a postive effect it will have depends on what the OP and her DP would usually be doing if they weren't self isolating, how often they go out and the risk of those activities.

moita · 24/12/2020 13:03

I would. My grandfather is 93 but u sadly can't isolate so I will have to see him once we're all vaccinated but in your shoes: yes.

LadyLazaruss · 24/12/2020 13:04

@ktp100

As an aside, it's genuinely depressing to see how many people on here are saying you should go ahead and rule break.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON THIS SHIT WILL DRAG ON AND ON AND ON!!!

Ooh, get your hard hat OP! The caps lock is on!

I'd do it.

2021optimist · 24/12/2020 22:19

@ktp100

As an aside, it's genuinely depressing to see how many people on here are saying you should go ahead and rule break.

YOU PEOPLE ARE THE REASON THIS SHIT WILL DRAG ON AND ON AND ON!!!

This!
VinylDetective · 24/12/2020 22:23

Do it. It’s not remotely unreasonable. Some things are more important than the rules.

Growuppeople · 24/12/2020 22:27

Just go! Why do you need The people of mumsnet permission? Personally I don’t understand why you wouldn’t!

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