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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to ask you to tell me a dirty/flithy story

58 replies

AWordsWorth · 23/12/2020 08:25

I'm totally totally bored. Myself, DH and DD are isolating at home. DD has a minor cough and temp. Initial covid test negative, waiting on a 2nd test and result, resigned to thinking it will be positive :(

Here is mine:

Last year for her birthday my DSis had a chocolate cheesecake. She had saved one slice. During the cleanup afterwards I ate it! I was feeling peckish, it looked so nice, and it freed up some space in the fridge. I know it was wrong, but it felt so right.

OP posts:

Littleideasbigbook · 23/12/2020 11:22

Disappointed there is not one mention of rimming so far

WTFPeople · 23/12/2020 11:50

Sneaking the last slice of cheesecake wasn't the sort of dirty filthy story I was expecting to read.

DH and I had a whole discussion row about not wearing our shoes in the house. My parents had never allowed us shoes in the house when I was growing up and I wanted to continue that in my own home. DH had always worn shoes in the house and couldn't understand my point but finally agreed.

Soon after we were married DH and I bought a house and I took off a few days to clean and get everything sorted. Once I had cleaned the floors I put the new rugs down. DH came home and not realising I was home he thought he could sneak in with his shoes on. He was followed by this horrific smell that ponged the entire house. I came downstairs to find DH's footprints outlined in fox poo all over the downstairs and even found them in his car where he had been enclosed for nearly 2 hours after getting stuck in traffic on the way home from work. DH apparently didn't smell the poo and hadn't realised he'd stepped in anything. I was handed him the cleaning supplies and I left seriously thought about not going back
Since then DH has never worn shoes in the house

CrotchBurn · 23/12/2020 13:52

I once snogged a guy at pub closing, I was completely pissed. I threw up a bit in my own mouth, subtly swallowed it, and carried on snogging.

Thats my dirty story

hansgrueber · 23/12/2020 14:00

@SantasYumnuts

My idea of a dirty story is very, very different to yours OP.

Me too, I expected the cheesecake to contain some highly personal ingredient at least!

Jackabobbo · 23/12/2020 14:06

An old friend of mine who I'm no longer in touch with once got very drunk and did a poo in a bin. I wasn't there, he told me about it for some reason. I think it was a residential bin outside someone's house.

swimlyn · 23/12/2020 20:22

allspottyrainbow

So, so funny!

KarmaStar · 23/12/2020 21:51

A friend was a very enthusiastic fisherman and was always going.
One morning,after a few hours,he realised he urgently needed to spend tuppence.
He was fishing in an isolated place and so went off into the bushes fairly confident nobody would be about due to the inclement weather.
Having done the business he returns to fishing and the clouds burst open .
He hurriedly pulled up the hood on his all in one fishing attire only to find he had spent his tuppence into the hood and it was now squashed into his head and running down his face.

lljkk · 23/12/2020 21:52

I wanted to write something about the preschool kids having a good roll in the mud one hot summer day ("dirty") but think that might raise the tone too much.

Domino20 · 23/12/2020 21:56

So glad I read the OP before contributing!

Yeahnahmum · 23/12/2020 21:58

Op asking for a dirty/filthy story. . And then proceeds to tell she once ate an entire cake 😂.

Andylion · 23/12/2020 22:21

Good to see the Harry the Dirty Dog love.

SnackySnack · 23/12/2020 22:25

I thought I was about to read some right filthy stories.. no I read about a cheesecake. I hope your all sharing my disappointment

Gobbeldegook · 23/12/2020 22:25

I'm dead🤣🤣🤣

Kumquatsquash · 23/12/2020 22:29

I ripped my frenulum giving a drunk blow job. Tried to deep throat but forgot to put my tongue down and the skin just ripped. Almost swallowed my own tongue in the process.

Scottishshopaholic · 23/12/2020 22:31

@Haffiana

You ate the cheesecake?? Don't you mean that you smeared it all over your body and got your partner to lick it off?

Actually have a funny story relating to this.

Before DP and I got our own place i used to stay at his dads a lot (with him). Think his dad was out for the evening and we had to fend for ourselves so got our own dinner in. We got the Tesco’s finest salted caramel cheesecake for dessert (it’s amazing btw), anyway we decided to take up to bed with us and watch a movie and we ended feeding it to each other, one thing led to another etc.

Anyway it was a big cheesecake so there was a fair bit left, so we put it in the fridge. The next evening DP was at mine and he phoned his dad to catch up on the weekend. His dad was like oh I finished that cheesecake you had, hope that’s ok, it was great.

We never told him, but everytime we get it in now it’s referred to as the erotic cheesecake.

user1473878824 · 23/12/2020 22:34

@Kumquatsquash

I ripped my frenulum giving a drunk blow job. Tried to deep throat but forgot to put my tongue down and the skin just ripped. Almost swallowed my own tongue in the process.

Have you had ribs removed?

colette1970 · 23/12/2020 22:34

Left an abusive ex and also left a little log pressie in his kettle still smile about it to this day .

user1473878824 · 23/12/2020 22:35

I have had wine and completely mixed up a frenulum with a banjo string. Good god.

Bence69 · 23/12/2020 22:42

@Kumquatsquash

I ripped my frenulum giving a drunk blow job. Tried to deep throat but forgot to put my tongue down and the skin just ripped. Almost swallowed my own tongue in the process.

Fucking hell dying 😂😂😂😂

Treeerex · 23/12/2020 22:45

@CrotchBurn

I once snogged a guy at pub closing, I was completely pissed. I threw up a bit in my own mouth, subtly swallowed it, and carried on snogging.

Thats my dirty story

Back in my teens/early 20s, my friends and I were like some kind of pissed-orexics. We would think nothing of getting shit faced, throwing up in the nightclub toilets and then carrying on drinking.

I once went out on a Monday night, rolled home about 2am, slept in my clothes, woke up at 6am, got changed, put on some eyeliner and went to work. This was in the days when smoking was still allowed in pubs. I must have stunk.

NancyPickford · 23/12/2020 23:32

This is how I kinda appear to people nowadays (those who don’t know me), but I could tell you tales from the 70s, 80s and 90s which would make your hair curl. Never judge the sweet old ladies at face value! 🙂

... to ask you to tell me a dirty/flithy story

MrsToothyBitch · 24/12/2020 02:29

I was very, very ill after a spiked drink, got home to the bathroom and exploded at both ends more or less simultaneously before passing out. Came round, remembered the vom in the loo and flushed it. No recollection of angling my arse over the bath though. Shared house. I wasn't the one who found what I'd left Dirty enough for you?

Other memorable tales: sex at work (his job, not mine), danger sex on a table on wheels (didn't put the brakes on), choking and throwing up out of my nose on to fellow passengers on a train- like something from the exorcist. I've lived SUCH a classy life...

OHolyTights · 24/12/2020 02:47

Flithy is interesting. Are you Canadian, OP? Could explain it.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/12/2020 03:56

@ApocalypseNowt

Did you eat it naked?

We'd be getting into the "mildly suggestive" territory for the story then.

ginandgingers92 · 24/12/2020 04:03

The inside of my wheely bins are pretty filthy...🤫

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