AIBU - references to "cool girls"

[NotPrude]

I signed up a few weeks ago so somewhat new to the world of MN. I'm learning a lot about general trends here but one thing I can't get my head around is calling grown women "cool girls" or "up for anything girls".

It tends to be in the context of threads where women comment about how open they are sexually, whether it be with their husbands / partners or casual arrangements.

I see several comments where other users call such women the "cool girls" or "up for anything girls" or worse, women with low standards and low bars. Is it just be or is that not unnecessarily rude and patronising. No one is trying to act "cool", I mean, who even uses that word anymore to describe someone. It sounds like we've gone back 20 years to junior school when the girls who had boyfriends were seen as cool, but we all grew up from those days...

Or is it meant to be an insult? Some of the language used by such posters verge on (or are) slut shaming, so maybe they think it's derogatory to call someone a "cool" girl?

I don't know, I don't get. Is it just me or is anyone else a bit like "huh, seriously" when they see such comments?

I doubt the word girls is used.

Cool wives I have seen. Usually on threads where women admonish another for being bothered that her husband spent hundreds of pounds and family time in a strip club !

It's a shitty spiteful thing to say to pull other women down for liking different sex acts or enjoying things that aren't proper. It's always said on here with as much venom as possible. Kind of like the opposite of those "I'm not like other girls I'm a cool girl" memes.

Nasty habit for such a self declared feminist websites users.

@CuriousaboutSamphire No I've definitely seen "girls". Quite a few times. Never cool wives though. How funny people pick up on different things!

I don't see the definition as the same as you do op.

I think it's more aimed at women who put up with shit from men so that men will like them more

I've only seen "cool wives" used... Always in the context of the cool wife's husband spent £500 on strippers, or his female best friend (who's the only one who "gets" him) send him send him scantiy clad photos and that is fine with the cool wife's and she can't imagine any reason any other women wouldn't be overjoyed with the those situations.

Correct OP. There was a thread the other day, when I and others were called 'cool girls' in reference to not being offended by a partner masturbating in bed.

Cool girls - the MN definition I believe came from or is closely related to a bit from the book ‘Gone Girl’

Will just dig out the passage....

Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)

Sorry if the bold fails.

I don’t agree. I don’t think it’s used to pull women down but to open their eyes to the fact their reality has been shaped by their upbringing in the patriarchy.

Sort of reminds me this.

But it boils down to "You are not doing things how I would do them! This means you must be pandering to men rather than having a mind of your own and different relationship rules to those I find correct.

Cool girl is a gone girl reference surely? Pp has provided the passage.

Not seen up for anything girl myself.

Its always "cool wives" I see on here.

I've been accused of being one. I'm not even a wife at all let alone a cool one 🤣

It just means there are people who have different boundaries in relationships, and the "cool wife" accusers name call to get others back in their box and repress them, there's probably a few appropriate names for the accusers, but I'm too cool to start name calling 😎

I've been here many years and occasionally see the term 'cool girls', it's usually said when a poster states they don't mind their husband/partner having friends of the opposite sex. It always sounds shit.
I don't see many posters criticising any women who are sexually open or have casual relationships. Are you reading old threads?

I've only seen things like "The cool wives brigade will be here in a minute" etc but never 'up for anything girls'?

Either way, it's normally a pathetic attempt by women to silence other women who have different boundaries/tolerance in their relationships.

I’ve seen cool wives. Think it just means women who are prepared to accept shoddy treatment in order to be seen as “cool” or laid back etc. I mean we’re mainly parents here so I assume almost all of us have or have had sex and are open to it so can’t see why somebody would be admonished for that on here.

@LNSL Yes! I was on that thread too! Someone posted about the "cool girls" being ok with it as though there was something wrong with women who are open sexually.

@AgnesNaismith Interesting, thanks! I hadn't seen that before (though seen the firm!). But that in itself is problematic. It reinforces the idea that women are trying to be something they're not, rather than comfortable in their own skin with who they are.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult explained it better than I did.

@Christmashottubintheshed

I’ve seen cool wives. Think it just means women who are prepared to accept shoddy treatment in order to be seen as “cool” or laid back etc. I mean we’re mainly parents here so I assume almost all of us have or have had sex and are open to it so can’t see why somebody would be admonished for that on here.

No not always (although sometimes it is that)

But it's often used to put women down who aren't jealous of their husbands having normal platonic relationships with other women.

@Batshittery No there was one very recently about FWB and the different types of FWB. There were a few comments about only the "cool girls" being up for very casual FWB / FBs and there was genuinely a poster who said women who have casual sex either have mental health issues, have been abused or have no morals. I was genuinely amazed at the lack of outrage at that comment!

@KilljoysDutch I agree. It's usually after lengthy debates concerning sex and it's clearly intended to be derogatory, and I'm just amazed it comes from other women!

agnes has it right, the term is a reference to ‘Gone Girl’.

I also thought it was a Gone Girl reference. Sometimes it's totally justified, the crap some posters come out with trying to prove themselves open minded/laid back/up for anything. No issue with that at all, but it seems contrived to put other women down. So who's the feminist now?

Meh, I don’t know @NotPrude I think there’s a spectrum.

Where there is equality, consent and no one is being exploited or abused it’s probably an unfair statement to call someone a ‘cool girl’.

But.....

Strip clubs - no equal, exploitation and abuse
Prostitution - no equal, exploitation, abuse and sometimes no consent
Porn - exploitation of women and children, abuse

So I’d eyeroll and ‘cool girl’ anyone who said these are things they enjoy.

I’d also question anyone who felt the need to brag about their sexual prowess on an Internet forum.

I'm surprised that poster wasn't challenged about their outdated views. I've obviously done a good job of avoiding the threads where 'cool girls' is still trotted out.

I’ve seen it a few times but completely missed the Gone Girl reference! That must mean I’ve sufficient forgotten it enough to be able to re-read, excellent!

I’m also quite uncomfortable with the “cool wife/cool girl” thing.

Like most stereotypes there’s a grain of truth: we have all met women like those in the Gone Girl passage: the ones who deny they have any red lines in order to outflank women who have a vested interest in a relationship. It’s dishonest and problematic for male/female relationships.

But this seems to have become a cheap jibe at any woman who has more relaxed standards about anything. So for example if a woman pops up on a board and says her husband’s best friend is a woman and she is relaxed someone will use the “cool wife” line to imply she has no boundaries or is lying to herself. When in fact we have no way of knowing what the status of the relationship is.

If women genuinely are more relaxed and it comes from a place of security they should not be made to feel they are automatically delusional because someone else on the board won’t tolerate this.