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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a sahm because of Covid?

42 replies

straightline · 22/12/2020 14:34

First time mum. DS is now 10 months old.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when he was 5 weeks old (just as the first lockdown hit)

I had 15 weeks of CBT and whilst it did help, I’m still anxious.

I’m due back to work in February and I’m seriously considering quitting my job to be a sahm.

I’m supposed to be going back 3 days a week and my son will be going to a nursery.

The truth is, I really don’t think I can do it.
I will have to go back into the office as my job can’t be done from home.

I don’t want to be around other people, and I really don’t want my son to go to nursery and be around adults and other babies.
I’ve never left him with anyone because of the pandemic.

I haven’t even been to a supermarket since February.

Last week I decided to call into a card shop to get some Christmas cards.
Since going, every day I convince myself I have Covid symptoms.
I take my temperature several times a day as I worry I’m hot or have a fever.

It’s making me feel like I’m a terrible mother because I can’t focus on enjoying the day with my son because I’m so worried I’ve got Covid.

I’m 33 but I’m in the obese category with a BMI of 35 which I know puts me at great risk.

I just can’t deal with the possibility that I could need a ventilator or die from Covid.
I’m petrified.

I just think it’s going to be so bad for my mental health if I return to work.

I’ve discussed it with mr husband and we could comfortably afford for me to be out of work for a couple of years and then I would return.

The issue is I’d be leaving a good company, who pay me a good salary to work 3 days a week and also give me the use of a company car.

I really don’t know what to do for the best but i really do think if I return to work, my mental health will decline even further.

OP posts:
TheGirlWhoLived · 22/12/2020 14:39

I have up work after dd2 to be a SAHM and I love it. Financially, myself and dh share things completely equally - so there’s never any ‘my money and your money’ arguments, also the kids love it. It is much easier (particularly when it comes to school bubbles bursting) in these times, and I like to help out working friends in pre-Covid times with childcare or school pick ups if they can’t make it.

The kids really enjoy it, I’m there for every pick up and event, I don’t have to stress about whether the housework gets done or tea gets made in the mornings, and always can do pick ups and chat about the day etc.

If I was you, I would do it in the drop of a hat if you are feeling like this. Financially you seem ok, and emotionally you’ve done It for 10 months so it’s not brand new! Careers can be got back to, but your ds wont be 10 months ever again

TheGirlWhoLived · 22/12/2020 14:41

I think from reading your post though, your anxiety needs to be looked at and to try and control it. Health anxiety is very real but it could be beneficial to look up facts and figures and look at things as a percentage, rather than ‘125 people’ as this makes things look more manageable. You will be doing your son no favours by spiralling into anxiety and it is a slippery slope to climb out of!

Bagamoyo1 · 22/12/2020 14:43

I think your anxiety has got out of control, and staying at home will perpetuate that problem.

Northernmummy80 · 22/12/2020 14:48

I am no where near your level OP but had very similar thoughts about not returning to work and our children are similar ages.

We discussed this at the first lockdown and we said if there was a good chance it would affect our children I would give up work.

I have decided I’m going back to work, I’ve done a few keep in touch days and they haven’t been awful.

I would suggest going put the shops again, just for a small amount of time. Each time you do it and don’t get Covid it should make you feel more comfortable.

I think you might need some more CBT to be honest. It’s a hard decision to return to work without Covid situations so don’t be hard on yourself. So what’s best for your family

Hardbackwriter · 22/12/2020 14:48

There are two separate issues here:

a) whether you want to be a SAHM, in general
b) your extreme fear of Covid and the impact of this on your life

There are arguments for and against a), it's a very individual decision and if you want to be a SAHM and can afford it then there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't in general but you need to make this decision separately from your extreme fear. You are trying to shut yourself away from other people entirely, which isn't healthy, and your fear is totally disproportionate (a 33 year old, even an obese one, isn't at 'great risk'). You may well be suited to be a brilliant SAHM in general but I think you're not in a position to be in one currently; what kind of life will it be for your son as he gets older if you two never leave the house? It doesn't matter much at his age, but it will in a year or two. The pandemic may be over by then but is fear this extreme actually going to go when the fear does?

It seems to be that choosing to be a SAHM is a way of you avoiding acknowledging the extremity of your fear, and that that is extremely unhealthy. That doesn't mean that being a SAHM wouldn't ultimately be the right choice for you, but no good choices come from a place of fear and avoidance.

I know you say you've had help but I really think you need to go back to your GP and tell them how strong your anxiety still is. You don't have to live like this. You say going back to work would be bad for your mental health but avoidance never improves anxiety.

Caelano · 22/12/2020 14:49

It’s right to take covid seriously. But your anxiety around it is out of perspective and not a reason to give up working. You haven’t had a ‘normal’ experience over the last year (who has?) but once your child has some settling in sessions at nursery he’ll be fine.
I’m older than you so worry about covid from that point of view, and when I had to start going back into work (college environment) after working remotely during lockdown 1, I felt concerned. But workplaces are set up for this with temperature checks, distancing etc and you’ll be fine. It honestly sounds like this is to do with you having been stuck at home for so long rather than a proactive decision to give up work. Remember, with economic gloom continuing for the foreseeable, it’s not really the best time to be giving up a job

titchy · 22/12/2020 14:50

What hardbackwriter said ^^

Hardbackwriter · 22/12/2020 14:51

Argh, sorry for all the typos in my post, hopefully it still makes some sense!

TragedyHands · 22/12/2020 14:52

I gave up work when our first was born, who'd work if they didn't have to.
The freedom to come and go as you like, not to be accountable to a boss/ company, and to pursue the type of life you want is amazing.
We aren't money orientated though, and don't see earning more money and promotions as successful.

Christmascheese · 22/12/2020 14:53

I was a sahm for years and I have recently gone back to work. I voted yabu because of the reasons you are giving - if you are being a sahm because you don’t want to leave the house and don’t want your baby to mix with others than that is terribly unhealthy for both of you and you need to get help for that rather than finding a way to perpetuate that.

If you can do that and resolve your anxiety and still want to be a sahm then go for it, but please don’t do it just because you are scared of COVID.

OverTheRubicon · 22/12/2020 14:54

I also agree with @Hardbackwriter

Yanbu to be a sahm, so long as your DH's role is secure (and your marriage and your savings).

Yabu not to address your anxiety over covid. You clearly adore your DC, so if you can't do it for your sake you need to do it for theirs. If you call your go, there is help, as the CBT clearly wasn't enough - and it's much better to do it right now, as you will be in a priority group when you are less than one year post-partum. Afterwards you'll be at the end of a loooong waiting list.

Are you on medication? I'm sure that might also make you anxious, but it's so much better that you are not feeling this way, and also passing on the message to your DC as they grow that the world is a threatening place.

VestaTilley · 22/12/2020 15:03

YABU. Covid isn’t a huge risk for younger petiole generally.

Your baby needs the socialisation of nursery- it’s so good for them and they develop loads. My DS has been going since May and loves it! Aside from mild colds he’s never got ill from nursery or had a day off sick.

Please get your health anxiety addressed by a GP- you don’t want your son to grow up to be anxious too.

VestaTilley · 22/12/2020 15:04

*people

NotOfThisWorld · 22/12/2020 15:19

I don't think you should be looking at it from a perspective of the risk of covid but from what you can cope with with your anxiety. Will work help or push you over the edge?

TheKeatingFive · 22/12/2020 15:22

The issue is I’d be leaving a good company, who pay me a good salary to work 3 days a week and also give me the use of a company car.

This is really valuable OP. Don’t give it up lightly.

NeurologicallySpeaking · 22/12/2020 15:24

@TragedyHands

I gave up work when our first was born, who'd work if they didn't have to. The freedom to come and go as you like, not to be accountable to a boss/ company, and to pursue the type of life you want is amazing. We aren't money orientated though, and don't see earning more money and promotions as successful.
Who would work if they didn't have to? Wow.

Personally I get a lot from my career beyond just income. And careers can't necessarily just be returned to after a long time out. One of the reasons for pay inequality in general (beyond companies actually paying men more) is that many women leave the workforce to have children and then end up in low paid jobs or jobs significantly below their skill level.

Of course it can be done - but it often isn't.

QuantumJump · 22/12/2020 15:26

I think it would be a real shame to give up the job you describe for this reason. There's nothing wrong at all with being a SAHM- but it should ideally be an active choice to become one. Not something you're forced into because you're too terrified to go back to work. Three days a week is a perfect balance IMO, and it's really hard to find a PT job in a new company. You may end up having to go full time when you do return to work.

NeurologicallySpeaking · 22/12/2020 15:26

Anyway - for OP I think the issue is your health anxiety rather than whether to be a SAHM or not. I also have had a baby during the pandemic and it is awful but you will have to let them mix with other children and adults otherwise you will end up hindering their development.

NailsNeedDoing · 22/12/2020 15:29

You’d be giving up work because if your anxiety, not because of covid. You need to recognise that and be honest with yourself if you’re going to make a decision as big as leaving a good job.

Giving up work won’t make your anxiety go away. Everyone in the world having a vaccine or covid somehow being eradicated entirely won’t make your anxiety go away. Whether you do it now, or in a couple of years when you need to go back to work, you will still need to do the same things to be able to cope with your anxiety. It’s likely to be a lot harder when you’ve been out of the workplace for so long and there’s pressure on you to be earning again. Also, it’s not really fair to make your DH be the sole earner when presumably that’s not what you agreed before.

Nowaynothappening · 22/12/2020 15:29

I think your anxiety has got out of control, and staying at home will perpetuate that problem.

I agree with this. Going to work will probably help you enormously in the long run, staying locked away at home will only make things worse.

You’re young with zero health conditions so not vulnerable in any way. The chance of dying under the age of 40 is minuscule even with underlying conditions. Look into the stats if you think it will help, less than 1% die from it. You have more chance of dying in a car accident at your age.

Hardbackwriter · 22/12/2020 15:32

@NotOfThisWorld

I don't think you should be looking at it from a perspective of the risk of covid but from what you can cope with with your anxiety. Will work help or push you over the edge?
I don't think OP is in the right place to make that call. There are people who have worked to stabilise their mental health for a long time, who recognise their own boundaries and who know, for example, that they can't maintain good mental health and work full-time and so that's a really good and sensible decision for them. But OP is clearly still very much unwell and so if she withdraws from what she can't cope with it's likely that what she can cope with will shrink and shrink.

Again, I'm not trying to advocate that she does or doesn't go back to work, but that she prioritises getting into a better place to make that choice. One option to explore with the GP might be whether she needs to be signed off work on the grounds that she isn't currently well enough to return, which would keep the door open for a return later when she can hopefully make a more active decision rather than one driven by fear.

Original poster
straightline · 22/12/2020 15:57

@Hardbackwriter

There are two separate issues here:

a) whether you want to be a SAHM, in general
b) your extreme fear of Covid and the impact of this on your life

There are arguments for and against a), it's a very individual decision and if you want to be a SAHM and can afford it then there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't in general but you need to make this decision separately from your extreme fear. You are trying to shut yourself away from other people entirely, which isn't healthy, and your fear is totally disproportionate (a 33 year old, even an obese one, isn't at 'great risk'). You may well be suited to be a brilliant SAHM in general but I think you're not in a position to be in one currently; what kind of life will it be for your son as he gets older if you two never leave the house? It doesn't matter much at his age, but it will in a year or two. The pandemic may be over by then but is fear this extreme actually going to go when the fear does?

It seems to be that choosing to be a SAHM is a way of you avoiding acknowledging the extremity of your fear, and that that is extremely unhealthy. That doesn't mean that being a SAHM wouldn't ultimately be the right choice for you, but no good choices come from a place of fear and avoidance.

I know you say you've had help but I really think you need to go back to your GP and tell them how strong your anxiety still is. You don't have to live like this. You say going back to work would be bad for your mental health but avoidance never improves anxiety.

@Hardbackwriter

You are 100% right.

Ideally I’d like to go back to work. It avoids eating into our savings. I get to stay in a long term job and I think my son would really enjoy nursery.

It’s the fear of Covid that is making me question going back.

If not for Covid I would at least go back for a month or two and see how I felt / how my son adapted to nursery.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 22/12/2020 16:08

It sounds to me like you really aren’t on top of your anxiety lovely. You are managing at the moment by avoiding the thing that makes you anxious, but this isn’t a long term solution.

You must go back to your GP and tell them your anxiety is really bad. They can prescribe some very safe and effective medication which will help hugely. You can take anxiety medication when breastfeeding if that is a consideration. Once you are feeling less anxious, then you can think about what you want to do about work.

HugoPhurst · 22/12/2020 16:16

This was me. I have named changed and can't unchange due to lost details but don't mind saying I am longtime poster ChristinaMarlowe . Need to get it sorted.

I had the worst anxiety of my life when DD1 was born, couldn't breathe for panicking, that's with a medical role job and a lifetime of experience of GAD. Post natal is different. It was horrific. Not knowing why you are so terrified and knowing people expect you to "pull yourself together" after a month or two... So, so horrendous.
I now am a SAHM and yes we can afford it, but barely. I left my beloved job in education when she was 1 as, in light of covid, UC advised it was best. Bastards. Total car crash shit show from then on.
Point being, you wouldn't make this choice lightly so you obviously need it, things will get better but PNA is awful WITHOUT living through a pandemic. I was amazed the number of consultants and Drs that said they had horrendous PNA and that it was more common (but much less openly discussed) than PND.
Do what you need, stay home if it is affordable. You can change your mind in the future. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty. Your baby and DH need and deserve the best version of you. That makes it worth it.

Canwecancel2020 · 22/12/2020 16:16

Some good advice here, fwiw I was far more anxious trapped at home during first lockdown/furlough than I am now I work part time.

It’s also always an anxious time settling baby into nursery even without all the other stuff going on. It sounds like you need some more MH support. If you decide down the line to be a sahp that’s fine too, but better a free choice made rather than being a prisoner to your fear.

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