To be a sahm because of Covid?

[straightline]

First time mum. DS is now 10 months old.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety when he was 5 weeks old (just as the first lockdown hit)

I had 15 weeks of CBT and whilst it did help, I’m still anxious.

I’m due back to work in February and I’m seriously considering quitting my job to be a sahm.

I’m supposed to be going back 3 days a week and my son will be going to a nursery.

The truth is, I really don’t think I can do it.
I will have to go back into the office as my job can’t be done from home.

I don’t want to be around other people, and I really don’t want my son to go to nursery and be around adults and other babies.
I’ve never left him with anyone because of the pandemic.

I haven’t even been to a supermarket since February.

Last week I decided to call into a card shop to get some Christmas cards.
Since going, every day I convince myself I have Covid symptoms.
I take my temperature several times a day as I worry I’m hot or have a fever.

It’s making me feel like I’m a terrible mother because I can’t focus on enjoying the day with my son because I’m so worried I’ve got Covid.

I’m 33 but I’m in the obese category with a BMI of 35 which I know puts me at great risk.

I just can’t deal with the possibility that I could need a ventilator or die from Covid.
I’m petrified.

I just think it’s going to be so bad for my mental health if I return to work.

I’ve discussed it with mr husband and we could comfortably afford for me to be out of work for a couple of years and then I would return.

The issue is I’d be leaving a good company, who pay me a good salary to work 3 days a week and also give me the use of a company car.

I really don’t know what to do for the best but i really do think if I return to work, my mental health will decline even further.

Sorry, must add that you also have to address the post natal anxiety itself, but notice from your posts that this is happening and ongoing. It will get better

It's understandable to be worried but you need to get this in perspective. Giving up a good job because of Covid is a bad idea. Giving up because you really want to be a SAHM is fine. If you are going to stay at home then, ironically, you need to get out the house. Holing up and convincing yourself you are at risk is a real waste of your dc early years. Not good for dc and not good for you. Get back into the swing if things. You will be fine. I'm fact you owe it to yourself to at least try work again and then make a decision on giving up.

It's all very well your dh saying you can afford to be off. I know a lot of men get resentful after a while of being sole breadwinner. Getting back into work with chikd friendly PT hours is way harder than getting your existing job to be more flexible.

Nothing wrong w wanting to be a SAHM for a bit, but it sounds like you are doing to to avoid things you are afraid of, which isn’t good - good chance you’ll get more and more afraid. The other thing is if you are off too long it’s hard to go back, which also isn’t good because it makes you v vulnerable long term.

So all in all it seems like you should talk to GP about CBT or similar for anxiety, and think c going back PT.

I’m a sahm. It’s not healthy to never leave the house. Your child is currently a baby, but toddlers are much more challenging to deal with alone at home all day every day.

Be a sahm if you genuinely want it. But don’t give up a good job just because of fear of covid when you’re young and healthy. Your anxiety is controlling you here

Straightline, massive hugs and well done for getting this far through a pandemic with anxiety and a small child.
My gut instinct is to say have a frank conversation with your employer about how you feel, hopefully you are comfortable enough with them to do that. You're not saying anything out of the ordinary here, to me at least and the other Mums I know, we've had similar chats about our anxieties.
As a mainly (I do a little part time work but it's fairly flexible) stay at home Mum of a toddler I would say being at home full time will not help your anxiety. I still worry about getting the virus, I still worry about my child missing out, I still worry about money. There is always something to worry about.
If your company are good maybe they can offer you something more flexible, maybe you could ease back in with fewer days to start with?
Also, this is a difficult time of year, there is a lot of things going on. Give yourself some headspace and come back to it after Christmas.
xx

It sounds like it's more your growing anxiety nudging you to make this decision rather than a deeply innate need to be a SAHM. Do you think you would feel the same if not for Covid?

There must be so many people not wanting to go back and face that daily commute etc so you will not be alone.
But I think, particularly now, a decent job should be held onto. So many people are being made redundant. You aren't full time - you work similar hours to what I did when my kids were small - and you miss out on nothing, you can still maintain a good work- life balance and I never missed any special school assembly or event - and had the added bonus of getting away for a short time and going to work and having that independence outside the home.
Being continually at home may sound ok at the moment because you haven't asked for help with your anxiety but you really must.
In your situation I'd speak to the GP and I would give work a try. Maybe contact Management with your fears? I know we have a really robust mental health programme where I work where you can get counselling and help. Try to get out of the house for a short time for a walk and listen to a calming podcast or something. Try work and see how you get on because being out and about when things are better may be just what you need - not to continue shutting yourself away.
Then you can make a more informed choice in the future to possibly leave when the world is more 'normal'

I’m a SAHM because of COVID, in a way. I gave up work because we were supposed to be moving abroad and, as a teacher, I would have had to work a long notice period. We wanted to be able to go once everything fell into place, without worrying about delays. Things still haven’t fallen into place because of the virus, so we’re still here and I’m still at home.
To be honest, it has taken away a lot of the stress and anxiety of covid, but I mean that from a logistical perspective. I don’t have to worry about childcare if one of my children has to isolate, and my husband can just get on with his demanding job knowing that the house and kids are pretty much sorted. I’m definitely a lot less stressed.
However, it sounds like your stress stems more from health anxiety, and you need to address that. My DD is almost two and, although I disagree with a previous poster that children need to go to nursery, I do think she benefits from interacting with other children. We’ve still been able to go to toddler groups and we’ve done a lot to walks in the woods with friends and family their toddlers. If you’re going to be a SAHM, you do need to ensure that your anxiety is adequately under control to an extent that you can help your child to socialise and explore new environments without worrying about potential illness.

Being a SAHM is a perfectly acceptable thing to do Covid or not. However you still need to address your mental health. I hope that you can find the balance you need in your life and some help for your anxiety. Have you had your iron and vitamin d, b12 etc checked? That can cause some similar symptoms.

The NHS have said the vulnerability is if you BMI is over 40 so whilst yours is high it's not a huge cause for concern and you are not considered vulnerable by the NHS

As pp said, being a sahm is a valid choice regardless of circumstance, but this is not because of covid, this is because of your anxiety.
The threat of covid, although it seems long, is very very short term in contrast to the whole rest of your career. The opportunities you will be able to afford for your child will be vastly different to what you are likely to be able to provide if you quit now - you will lose on potentially years of raises and will not keep up your skillset like your peers when you do return.
It's scary right now, but do consider the longer term

If you want to be a sahm then great but if you are doing it because of your anxiety then not great. I try to say this kindly but you do need to get it sorted because you will end up stopping you from doing things as a family and those anxieties and fears will plague you.

Personally I think non verbal children are better at home, when they can properly relay their feelings and are active, exploring, then that's a great time too introduce nursery.
If it can be helped I think 10 month old should be with mum, just my view 🤷‍♂️

So yes, I'd stay off work op and I did for my dc.

I'd try and negotiate and do less hours or stagger a return to work later next year.

I am a teacher and when I went back in September I felt quite anxious about the masks, public transport, teaching students in person who I'd only met as initials on a screen, etc. It became normal very quickly and being around colleagues and students was so beneficial for me. So much so that I was amazed when I went to a socially distanced hobby event six weeks later and realised how nervous the people were who had barely ventured out since March. I think if you can get over the hump the return to work might do you good.

You are 100% right.

Ideally I’d like to go back to work. It avoids eating into our savings. I get to stay in a long term job and I think my son would really enjoy nursery.

It’s the fear of Covid that is making me question going back.

If not for Covid I would at least go back for a month or two and see how I felt / how my son adapted to nursery.

I think this was really brave of you to admit to yourself - anxiety is a horrible, horrible thing but recognising its impact on you is such a big step. If you know that's what you'd want to do then the next step is working out how it can be done, and I think the best way to do that is to go back to your GP and discuss the impact that anxiety continues to have on your life. Crippling anxiety is such a difficult, exhausting thing, you should be really proud of yourself for all that you have done to tackle it so far, and hopefully it helps to give you the strength to keep pushing for more support. Wishing you the absolute best for it

@Hardbackwriter

You are 100% right.

Ideally I’d like to go back to work. It avoids eating into our savings. I get to stay in a long term job and I think my son would really enjoy nursery.

It’s the fear of Covid that is making me question going back.

If not for Covid I would at least go back for a month or two and see how I felt / how my son adapted to nursery.

I think this was really brave of you to admit to yourself - anxiety is a horrible, horrible thing but recognising its impact on you is such a big step. If you know that's what you'd want to do then the next step is working out how it can be done, and I think the best way to do that is to go back to your GP and discuss the impact that anxiety continues to have on your life. Crippling anxiety is such a difficult, exhausting thing, you should be really proud of yourself for all that you have done to tackle it so far, and hopefully it helps to give you the strength to keep pushing for more support. Wishing you the absolute best for it

@Hardbackwriter

Thanks you. ❤️

I agree with hardbackwriter. You’ve been honest and brave about acknowledging that it’s anxiety which is the root of this.

You have the double whammy of covid plus the natural anxiety about going back to work after having a child.

Worth remembering that when in non covid times, it’s a big transition. I’m an oldie so had my kids yonks ago, which brought its own stresses because ML was so much shorter. Dc1 was 3 months old when I returned (3 days a week.) In the short term, becoming a SAHM would definitely have been the easier option and if someone had waved a magic wand the day before I returned and said ‘you can reverse the decision and stay home tomorrow’ then I’d probably have jumped at it! In reality though, returning to work was the best decision ever. It set the pattern for returning after having dc2 and 3 and ensuring that now, as a woman in my 50s, I’ve been able to sustain a career commensurate with dh’s.

I found actually going back into the workplace after WFH during lockdown 1 really hard - again, it’s change, it’s natural anxiety. But workplaces are set up to manage covid, and honestly like anything else, once you’re a week or two in, you’ll realise you’re managing fine. The thought is far worse than the reality!

If you let anxiety win to this extent, it will take over your entire life.

I’ve made the same decision OP. I was supposed to return to work earlier this year but chose not to because of Covid. My baby is safer at home with me than at nursery, which frankly is a hot mess of infection and no social distancing. It’s only a year out of my life, we can cope financially with losing a year’s salary (I probably would have struggled to earn much anyway due to Covid).