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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partners don't always realise how hard mat leave can be?

53 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 13:52

So I've just spoken to my fiancé on his lunch break and asked what time he's coming home from work. I have three kids - two older boys (with my ex-husband) and a six month-old baby with him.
Obviously we are in lockdown too so I'm on my own for most of the day.
I just asked him if he could do his best not to be too late as I start to flag around 6.30pm. As usual he has left his Christmas shopping until the last minute.
He replied sarcastically "Ah poor you."
AIBU to be annoyed by this response?

OP posts:
nextdoorshush · 22/12/2020 13:55

have you discussed how mat leave and parenting would be shared between you both before you and the baby? is he sticking to his side of the agreement? doesn't sound much like a partner to me

user1493413286 · 22/12/2020 13:58

I’d be annoyed; with our first I don’t think my DH really understood but now with our second he gets that it’s hard and lonely at times

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 13:58

@nextdoorshush I think he's feels he's working whereas I'm "not" because I'm at home currently with the baby. I am getting about 5 hours of sleep on a good day, baby waking every hour or so.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 22/12/2020 13:59

Has he ever done a day by himself with the baby? Maybe it's time he did.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:00

Half a day. Once. I'm breastfeeding so he says she always wants me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:01

Tbf it's his first baby. And last - he's 44 and I'm 40!

OP posts:
Northernmummy80 · 22/12/2020 14:02

My first was awful at sleeping and it made the days so much harder. My second sleep was amazing and the days were easy compared to working. I definitely think the sleep deprivation makes or breaks mat leave and if my OH had said the same to me I would have been fuming and cried.

If he thinks it’s so easy I think you get a few days off over the Christmas period right when he’s watching the kids? Lol

Canwecancel2020 · 22/12/2020 14:02

I feel your pain, had this feeling during lockdown/homeschool/furlough with my 3. It is the relentlessness and often loneliness of it, and the feeling of existing solely to supply others needs on a constant treadmill of mealtimes, cleaning up and bedtimes, without groups or social life to break it up at all. I felt so much better going back to work in the summer, even though the logistics were more complex/stressful.

UncleBunclesHouse · 22/12/2020 14:03

Suggest in that case he has them for the day as a break from work and some time to chill at home? Grin

F19283 · 22/12/2020 14:04

Pump & get him to do a night when he’s off then go out the next day and leave him to it , he’ll soon realise,

ivfbeenbusy · 22/12/2020 14:06

To be fair to him maternity leave in lots of ways isn't as hard as working a full week depending on the job - the baby waking in the night will most likely be waking him also - also presumably the other 2 boys are school age so you just have the one at home with you all day?
So for that reason YABU - If he works all week when do you expect him to do his Xmas shopping?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:09

Yes. My HV has said it's really important for me to take some time out ocassionally, she wants me to start with timetabling half an hour a week childfree. I know my OH will moan!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:11

@ivfbeenbusy At the weekends rather than watching the sport on TV? I do all of the night care.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/12/2020 14:31

Nasty response to you OP.

He'll complain about 30 minutes with his child.

Why did you have a child with a man who is so unpleasant and disinterested?

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:33

@billy1966 He takes her out for a long walk in the evening, but that's because she sleeps the whole time! Then he gives her to me wide awake at 9pm!!!

OP posts:
Italiandreams · 22/12/2020 14:33

I disagree that maternity leave is not as hard as working, I think it is a hard as being at work all week just in a different way. Maybe it depends on you as a person but I found maternity leave really difficult , I missed adult conversation, found it draining and worried about lots of things and I think currently without all the activities I was able to do it must be really hard. And I do have quite an full on job when working.
You absolutely still need some time childfree , you are still you as well as being a mother.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 14:38

I am finding it incredibly isolating. Don't know any other mums of young chidren - all of my friends have much older children. No baby clubs etc.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 22/12/2020 14:41

He moans about spending 0.3% of a week with his child?

Did it not occur to him that being a father involved caring for a baby, nappies, night feeds, crying etc?

Youseethethingis · 22/12/2020 14:43

Is he another one of those twisters who thinks babies/kids/housework are only hard work and tiring when he is the one doing it?

Then when you say you are worn out by it all he claims he can’t see what the problem is because it’s not that hard, it’s not as if you’re actually working or anything.
Pick a side, chum, you can’t have it both ways Hmm

FudgeSundae · 22/12/2020 14:45

I work in finance, senior management, pregnant with my second. Mat leave is 100x harder than my job. For my job I get respect, money, loo breaks, coffee breaks, lunch breaks. Mat leave for first baby I did get breaks when she slept (she was/is a good sleeper) so I used these to eat and sit down for a few minutes. I will be taking a short mat leave with #2 and going back full time ASAP because frankly my job is way easier.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 15:18

@BarbaraofSeville I don't think he realises how fortunate he is re the sleeping aspect. He goes to bed at 10/11pm ish every night and sleeps all the way through until he gets up for work around 7.30/8 am. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate exactly how much I do.
I am looking forward to returning to work and getting at least half hour to myself at lunch! Having said that, no idea how I am going to fit all of the extra work I will be doing in the evenings as well as the childcare / not sleeping?

OP posts:
NeurologicallySpeaking · 22/12/2020 15:35

Sounds like a hopeless partner to be honest. He needs to do full time care while you go out so he understands what it's like so sort out the baby taking expressed milk from a bottle to start with.

DH and I both equally capable of looking after our six month old but if he hasn't had sole responsibility for while (as he is working and I am on mat leave) he can forget how hard it is. The other day I said I was spending the afternoon with our eldest and left him to get on with the baby. He loves it but is always surprised at how it is impossible to get anything done.

He is going on SPL when I go back to work soon and can't wait. I will need to remember to not judge him when I come home and everything is chaos though!

NeurologicallySpeaking · 22/12/2020 15:38

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@BarbaraofSeville I don't think he realises how fortunate he is re the sleeping aspect. He goes to bed at 10/11pm ish every night and sleeps all the way through until he gets up for work around 7.30/8 am. I just feel like he doesn't appreciate exactly how much I do.
I am looking forward to returning to work and getting at least half hour to myself at lunch! Having said that, no idea how I am going to fit all of the extra work I will be doing in the evenings as well as the childcare / not sleeping?[/quote]
What would you do with a coworker/ employee who wasn't pulling their weight? You are presumably able to deal with these issues at work? You absolutely must not return to work and do all the childcare and housework in the evening - get the division of labour sorted now.

Otherwise to be honest you'd be better off without a partner who is presumably creating mess and work but not contributing.

billy1966 · 22/12/2020 15:45

OP,
He sounds really selfish.

Why is he taking the baby out at that time to nap and then after a long day leaving you with a perky child?

So selfish.

You had better have a frank conversation and start giving him the night feeds on friday and Saturday or within a year you are going to be allergic to his selfish arse.

How long were you together before you had his child?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/12/2020 16:40

He sounds shit. Why dont you suggest you go back to work earlier and he does a bit of the shared paternity leave since it's such a holiday, its only fair that he gets to benefit from the time off as well!

I'd be upset that you told him you were getting tired etc and got a sarcastic response as well, that's not exactly supportive

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