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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partners don't always realise how hard mat leave can be?

53 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 22/12/2020 13:52

So I've just spoken to my fiancé on his lunch break and asked what time he's coming home from work. I have three kids - two older boys (with my ex-husband) and a six month-old baby with him.
Obviously we are in lockdown too so I'm on my own for most of the day.
I just asked him if he could do his best not to be too late as I start to flag around 6.30pm. As usual he has left his Christmas shopping until the last minute.
He replied sarcastically "Ah poor you."
AIBU to be annoyed by this response?

OP posts:
OllietheOwl · 22/12/2020 16:47

Maternity leave (in lockdown) is soooo much harder than working!!
Maternity leave in normal circumstances is usually quite nice if you have friends/family who can help.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/12/2020 16:52

OP, you posted pretty much the same thread a week ago. Your baby's dad is the problem. No, you are not being unreasonable, but you are going to have to lose your shit with him if you want him to actually parent.

FTEngineerM · 22/12/2020 16:52

My DP was like that when he worked shifts, now he wfh m-f 9-5 and over the last month he’s had two break downs at how hard it Is being at home with the baby. He used to do

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 23/12/2020 15:04

@billy1966 We were together three years before we had her. Time not on our side with our ages!

I just don't think he understands how hard it is all day, every day. And not having any adult company/friends.

I'm hoping at least primary schools don't close come January. I know my eldest will be at home as he's 13, but he's not a problem. The 10 yo has lots of needs and is very demanding.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/12/2020 23:27

Talking about it and trying to explain this stuff doesn't get you any where.

You need to leave HIS child with him repeatedly for him to get it.

It really is this simple.
🤷🏻‍♀️

LannieDuck · 23/12/2020 23:56

The only way he'll understand how hard it is, is to do it.

Why isn't he taking any parental leave? I don't understand couples who don't take up that option if they can afford to.

At the very least, start leaving the baby with him regularly.

ReallySpicyCurry · 24/12/2020 00:08

Maternity leave is a funny one. I absolutely loved mine - I savoured every moment of my long awaited baby, and have the loveliest memories. But I absolutely HAD to have DH take over so I could have time that was baby free - even if I'd had a lovely day with baby - I had to have time on my own, or I would have gone beserk. Even though I loved it. I think it's the "touched out" aspect of 24/7 baby care/the psychological impact of being the sole person in charge of this tiny, fragile, adored creature.

I went back to a fortnightly role in my job when DD was six months, and back to work properly (though down to three days) when she was 9 months, and I. Was. Fucking. Gutted. Devastated. Felt that my heart was being ripped out via my stomach. Just wanted to stay home and have/look after babies forever. Now she's 2.5 and not a day goes by where I'm not thankful I held on to my job.

Which is a convoluted way of saying-give your husband the baby for the day. Around 6 months there's no reason why you shouldn't.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 24/12/2020 08:34

Yes you're right - he needs her for the whole day! Problem is it's lockdown so where do I go?!! He'll just end up bringing her to me. He's using his bad back as an excuse not to have her already today....

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 24/12/2020 08:34

Goodness knows how it's going to be when I'm back working ft!!!

OP posts:
Weirdlynormal · 24/12/2020 08:38

My friends were a huge part of my maternity leave. I can’t imagine how horrible it would have been i lockdown Flowers for you OP.

LouiseTrees · 24/12/2020 08:44

@Nicknamegoeshere

Yes you're right - he needs her for the whole day! Problem is it's lockdown so where do I go?!! He'll just end up bringing her to me. He's using his bad back as an excuse not to have her already today....
You are going to the park to play football with your eldest, then the supermarket for groceries you want, then grabbing a takeaway on the way back. I mean yes lots is closed but you can make excuses to be out. Or you can say “ I have a bad back too”. “ shall I wake you every time the baby wakes to show you how hard it is on no sleep?”
MindyStClaire · 24/12/2020 08:46

Start having the conversation now about when you're back at work. "Do you think you'll prefer to do pickup or drop off?", that sort of thing. Don't even acknowledge the possibility of him doing less than half.

I found my first maternity leave with a difficult baby and DH out of the house utterly relentless. I really struggled tbh. This time I have an easy baby, toddler in nursery (thank fuck) and DH working from home. Charmed existence quite frankly. So much depends on the baby and sleep.

We've had a couple of days this week with DD1 at nursery and DH off work while we do bits of Christmas prep and a few other things we have on. DH has always fully taken on his share, but I've quite enjoyed his surprise at how short a 40 minute nap is, and how suddenly it's 4pm and the useful bit of the day is over Grin

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 24/12/2020 12:15

Thanks all. It's so good to have a space here where people understand just how hard mat leave can be. Made especially harder because of Covid - my other two mat leaves were so very different because I could socialise with other mums and see friends.
I think what bothers me also is that I feel it's seen at times like time "off" when actually a lot of the time it's just as / more demanding than my normal job (and that's as a teacher so pretty demanding!)
I worry about how I'm going to work in the evenings when I'm back as well as sort the kids but I guess we cross that bridge...

OP posts:
speakout · 24/12/2020 12:18

I imagine you have already stopped facilitating his behaviour, so it doesn''t need to be said that you don't wash his clothes or cook for him.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 24/12/2020 12:20

@speakout Tbf to him he does 100% of the cooking. He rarely washes clothes however, and even rarer still does any cleaning!

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 24/12/2020 12:24

DP is wfh so he gets that it's full on some days with baby. I'm really enjoying it and fill days with walks (lunch / coffee / drinks pre lockdown) with friends from my antenatal group, but this is our first baby so a bit easier.

roarfeckingroarr · 24/12/2020 12:26

@Nicknamegoeshere

Yes. My HV has said it's really important for me to take some time out ocassionally, she wants me to start with timetabling half an hour a week childfree. I know my OH will moan!
Just half an hour a week?! You need that each day, minimum. I aim to get out for a quick swim / walk / hour to myself reading away from baby every day and DP supports this as good for my mental health.
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 24/12/2020 12:32

@roarfeckingroarr Not a chance! Too much to do! Sad

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/12/2020 14:06

Can't help but wonder why younhad a child with a man who has zero interest in being part of a team.

Was it a box ticking exercise?

Because it sounds like you have taken on a huge extra load in a third child for a but of a waster.

I can assure you, this time next year, you back at your busy job, 3 children, one an energetic toddler and this waster of a partner doing the very least he can get away with, you could well find yourself contemplating being a single parent AGAIN.

You need to spell it out to him, because your relationship is going to end up ruined bynhis extremely selfish ways.
Flowers

Heatherjayne1972 · 24/12/2020 14:19

Could he be jealous?
My ex was incredibly jealous that I got 9 months ‘off’
For maternity leave
He refused to lift a finger or get up in the night Refused to do anything around the house
As I was ‘off work’ there was no reason why I couldn’t do it all

One of the many reasons He’s an ex

TheNinny · 24/12/2020 14:37

Yanbu. I was more exhausted looking after baby than when im now back to working full time. Its hard if Ive been up a lot at night , which thankfully isnt most nights. And during the week she's at nursery on inlaws. I definately felt mat leave was harder but my job while has a lot of pressure at times, is 8.30-5 and my kid sleeps in the 35 min drive both ways. I feel like im cheating somehow compared to before 🙈 and i only have 1 so can't imagine how hard it would be with more

ZoeTurtle · 24/12/2020 14:42

MN told you countless times not to have a baby with this man. You post thread after thread and never take any advice. Do you enjoy the martyrdom?

TheNinny · 24/12/2020 20:42

Meant to say, my DH has her 2 days every other week due to his shifts. He found it hard but i now swear shes nicer and easier for him 😂 he never really commented during mat leave but i could tell he wondered what i did all day. Thankfully he saw it on his days off and agreed i got no break, not even naptime. When real young our baby only napped 40 mins in her day bed or out in pram. Shes now 2+ plus hours but only me 😁

Clockstop · 24/12/2020 20:46

I only managed the sleep deprivation by getting out every day, baby groups, long walks, shops etc so yiu are a rockstar for managing at all when you can't do all that stuff, it must be so draining. I did find talk radio helps a bit because it's like adult conversation on in the background. But yes yes being a bit selfish.

Clockstop · 24/12/2020 20:48

He's