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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want/expect a happy home/family life?

52 replies

sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 12:31

Can I have some advice? How are you all achieving a happy home? I've just had to delete Instagram and Facebook as I can't stand to see happy families leading enjoyable lives anymore!

Just went on a winter walk through a lovely wood with fairy doors. Other kids look happy, climbing on logs, taking photos etc. My kids look sullen, moaning about the mud, asking to go home. This is just one tiny example. If they are home they are sad, cross, fighting. Anywhere they go they complain.

They are age 5 and 9. The eldest is plain rude at the moment. Rude about the meals put in front of her, rude about any plans, rude about they way I talk even! They have a nice home, well provided for, nice area, nice school, kind parents, yet still most days feel miserable for them! They are happy when with their friends but not at home.

Is there a book I can read? Or any of you have tips? If things don't change they aren't going to have fond memories of their childhood and that makes me very sad!

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 22/12/2020 15:12

@sameday2021

Can I have some advice? How are you all achieving a happy home? I've just had to delete Instagram and Facebook as I can't stand to see happy families leading enjoyable lives anymore!

Just went on a winter walk through a lovely wood with fairy doors. Other kids look happy, climbing on logs, taking photos etc. My kids look sullen, moaning about the mud, asking to go home. This is just one tiny example. If they are home they are sad, cross, fighting. Anywhere they go they complain.

They are age 5 and 9. The eldest is plain rude at the moment. Rude about the meals put in front of her, rude about any plans, rude about they way I talk even! They have a nice home, well provided for, nice area, nice school, kind parents, yet still most days feel miserable for them! They are happy when with their friends but not at home.

Is there a book I can read? Or any of you have tips? If things don't change they aren't going to have fond memories of their childhood and that makes me very sad!

You just have to chivvy them out if it. We’ve just come back from a walk with children of similar ages and my eldest moaned constantly for the first 10 mins. I told him if he continued he would lose the iPad, TV, then Christmas presents in that order. He knows I would actually follow through and so managed to put his head in a good place and we ended up making a new acquaintance on the walk who allowed us to pet and feed his sheep. Walked through the woods, met some dogs, went to the park and then came home and they were happy and worn out.
billy1966 · 22/12/2020 15:17

OP,

You sound lovely, but that isn't typical behavior, but it can be when children get too much, are accommodated too much, are allowed to be disrespectful brats.

Your children are very young to be so rude.

Clearly life is far too comfortable for them.

My children certainly were never rude like that to me so young, because they would feel consequences bloody quick.

If you want to turn this around you are going to have to buckle up, and stiffen your spine to some serious consequences.

Get rid of all technology and tell them the reasons is they are rude children, and until you see a dramatic improvement in their manners, attitude and behaviour, they will not be returned. And mean it.

Anyone rude about a cooked meal put in front of them should have the meal removed from them and be told to leave the table.

Children in my experience will give you as much shit as you are prepared to accept.

My children were no better nor worse than there friends.

Their friends were all lovely kids because their parents would no more tolerate rudeness and disrespect than I would.

The few bratish children in their classes during primary, all had one thing in common, the were cheeky to their parents and it was accepted.

You need to ask yourself why you are accepting being spoken to by them the way you are?

You are not doing them any favours.

Spoiled children do not make great adults.

They need to learn appreciation for all they have and it's your job as parent to insist they do.

If you don't you are failing them.

As for the walking in the woods etc...lots of children don't like that, so keep it short and when their manners return try and mix it up with things they like to do.

As for now, you need the nuclear option of zero tolerance, to bring a bit of manners and gratitude into your home.

Good luck.Flowers

ShipshapeShore · 22/12/2020 15:19

I think these type of families do exist but they're not the 'norm'. I found Why Mummy Drinks and the sequels funny (I don't know if you meant an advice book though!), her 'precious moppets' seem to be more like the children I know Smile

billy1966 · 22/12/2020 15:19

Oh and, because if you don't deal with this now, the teenage years, which can be pretty hairy, will be absolute hell for you and the whole family.

Jangle33 · 22/12/2020 15:33

We go in phases. I think that’s normal. My eldest will invariably complain to high heaven he doesn’t want to do something, then when he gets there, have a great time. I’ve worked out that the best thing in long run is to simply ignore the moaning as he gets himself too het up if we respond. He ultimately then manages to calm himself and enjoy it, as opposed to thinking he needs to fight us. This approach has improved things massively. We are now suspecting undiagnosed SEN which has made things more complex.

I agree with PP though that you need to be firm on things like screens and spend as much time one on one as possible. Do you work (I do - this is not a judgment) but behaviour def improves the more time I spend with them. I had to be careful that any mum guilt didn’t mean I was always capitulating to their wishes. There is a balance and some things I insist on - like good manners, only 30 mins computer game per day, all homework done. Work out what’s important/non negotiable - so it no positive attitude, no Pokemon time.

Diva66 · 22/12/2020 15:35

Make them do household chores. They’ll still moan but at least you’ll be getting something out of it.

billy1966 · 22/12/2020 15:40

@Diva66

Make them do household chores. They’ll still moan but at least you’ll be getting something out of it.
Excellent idea.

Another thing I used to do when mine were being a bit bratty was to smile sweetly and say "you must be so tired as you are being rude, early to bed tonight".
This used to drive THEM mad and I got the up to bed a bit earlier. Score👍

Foghead · 22/12/2020 15:45

what is their screen time usage?
I know that if mine know they can be at home on screens then they moan about being out.
I have a rule of no screens except for homework until 4pm. That way, they are happy to do other things, including good old country walks.

Starlight39 · 22/12/2020 15:57

I sympathise OP! I have an 8 yo who is also happiest on screens and has become a bit obsessed with staying inside, partly corona virus related. I have found taking his bike on a walk helps and trying to let his grumbling go over my head along with a lot of jollying things along.

DS is super lovely at school, at his Dad's and with his friends and always get compliments on his behaviour on playdates so I think he just likes to whinge to me as his closest person. I find it helps to sometimes go "oh, that does sound hard and frustrating" and just be a sounding board rather than him moaning and me being on the other side. Agreeing with them (even just partly) sometimes takes the wind out of their sails or just not engaging too much.

The book "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is really helpful.

My friend recently said that her DS was being grumpy about something and she just ended up exasperated saying "well, what do you actually expect me to do about it?" (as it wasn't something she could change easily) and he went "oh, nothing really, I just wanted to have a moan about it...".

thelegohooverer · 22/12/2020 16:05

Well done for ditching SM. That’s an absolutely brilliant first step!

When you’re out with them, mentally capture the Instagram moments and have a chuckle about it. You know when they’re grumpy and squabbling but there’s a particular moment where it would look perfect to an outsider? Or think about how you could describe your chaotic day as a triumph of parenting. That’s what people do on SM all the time.

Cut your dc’ screen time down and make them earn it. In our house it’s 15minutes for completing a task to my satisfaction. Jobs not done? No screens. It’s not an argument, just a fact.

If they are bored give them a job to do. If they are moaning, they can work and moan. But don’t make it all punitive. Give them your attention when they work alongside you. It’s completely over rated these days but chores are really good for kids. They build self esteem.

learn to take joy in simple things - in fleeting moments rather than expecting a great day out. You’ll find more of them than you expect when you start looking out for them.

It also helps to take an interest in what they think and feel. If they are moany chat about why- treat everything as an opportunity to get to know a little more about them. I know that sounds daft but it takes you out of the relentless daily grind headspace and helps you focus on the relationships that are what it’s all really about.

gottakeeponmovin · 22/12/2020 16:18

Everyone's kids are like that. We only put the good bits on social media. I paid an absolute fortune to take them somewhere amazing once and they ruined the whole day by moaning lol

mylittlefidget · 22/12/2020 16:47

After being an "attachment" parent for the last 10 years, I have now changed our parenting style completely after reading 123 magic (and tearing my hair out with my ungrateful kids). I couldn't agree more with billy1966 above. Kids will give you as much sh** as you allow them to. Since not allowing them to moan at everything anymore, life is infinitely better. Their grandparents cannot believe how quickly especially the difficult little boy has changed into a polite and delightful little boy.
Best.book.ever! I really, highly recommend it!

TheListeners · 22/12/2020 17:31

What were you like on the walk? In this sort of situation I would probably have ignored grumpy and got the 5 year old excited by challenging them to see how many doors they could find, to say I'd seen a fairy, a bit of chasing, balancing on logs myself, silly faces etc. Sometimes you need to help them to have fun.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/12/2020 17:52

Are they wrapped up really warm and got plenty of snacks?

I'm guilty of underestimating how tiring a walk on a cold day is for my kids, they are then grumpy.

I do think children can get conditioned to being a bit lazy though, if you have a bad spell of all being a bit inactive (points at self in shame) they get unfit and will enjoy a walk less as its harder. Try starting small and make sure there are rewarding elements in it for them (snacks, stopping off at a playground etc) and build up slowly to walking a bit further?

Screens are also really addictive (again pointing at self in shame Blush), really try and gradually reduce reliance on those although its fucking hard in winter and lockdown has not helped

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/12/2020 17:53

another thing I used to do when mine were being a bit bratty was to smile sweetly and say "you must be so tired as you are being rude, early to bed tonight".

I do this a lot Grin

bluechameleon · 22/12/2020 18:02

We went on a "lovely walk" today. If you'd seen us when we were all running around searching for magical crystals or when the children were running a cafe from the playhouse you might have thought we were an Insta-perfect family. However, if you'd caught us when DS1 was pushing DS2 over to win a race, when DS2 was screaming and refusing to leave the bathroom or when DS1 was crying and yelling that it would be my fault if he got eaten by a dog because I didn't care about him, you might have thought I was a terrible parent and/or they were horrible children. What you are describing does sound difficult, but many many other families are basically the same I think. How to talk so little kids will listen is a good book, as is Raising Human Beings.

AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight · 22/12/2020 19:48

Basic standards of civilised behaviour are important, but you can't demand/expect/command the expression of particular emotions from children (or indeed anyone). I also think children, like anyone, need to be allowed 'off days', for want of a better word. Someone posting on here about less than ideal behaviour on their own part will generally get a lot of comfort and reassurance because 'parenting is hard'. Being a child isn't always as easy as it looks, and I wonder whether part of this is your children rebelling against particular (possibly unspoken) expectations.

I think you need to take the emotion out of it - 'I hear you're not enjoying this walk, but we are going on it because we all need exercise/fresh air/a change of scene. You can choose something to do later on.' And stuck record. Similarly, 'I hear you don't like this dinner, but it's what there is, and it's not OK to be rude about something someone else has cooked for you, You can choose to eat it or you can have plain bread and butter and fruit.' (I don't believe in forcing issues over food, nor in starving children into submission, but the alternative offered will be very boring, particularly if it's chosen night after night). The 9yo is old enough to come up with an idea for dinner and cook it under supervision, and I think that would be what I'd be suggesting next time she's rude.

sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 20:27

@mylittlefidget

After being an "attachment" parent for the last 10 years, I have now changed our parenting style completely after reading 123 magic (and tearing my hair out with my ungrateful kids). I couldn't agree more with billy1966 above. Kids will give you as much sh** as you allow them to. Since not allowing them to moan at everything anymore, life is infinitely better. Their grandparents cannot believe how quickly especially the difficult little boy has changed into a polite and delightful little boy. Best.book.ever! I really, highly recommend it!
Have just ordered, thank you! Have lots of parenting books but this one has escaped my radar, and it looks interesting!
OP posts:
sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 20:29

@AndThenTheDayBecomesTheNight really useful reply, thank you. I am really aware to allow them off days/times, as they are human just like adults are. It must be difficult to be a child, you're right. I'm just worried it's becoming all the time, not just now and then.

OP posts:
sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 20:32

@thelegohooverer really useful post, thank you! I'd already decided to start with the screen time in exchange for chores, as a reward rather than expected. Just want the Xmas break out the way then will implement!

OP posts:
sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 20:35

@Foghead

what is their screen time usage? I know that if mine know they can be at home on screens then they moan about being out. I have a rule of no screens except for homework until 4pm. That way, they are happy to do other things, including good old country walks.
To be fair this is generally is too. I've typically always used 30 mins between 4-5pm as screen time whilst I sort tea and we have a rule that there's never screen time after 5pm, except for family movie night every once in a while.

It's been creeping in in the mornings (winter/Covid) and I guess that doesn't make getting on with the rest of the day all that easy.

OP posts:
sameday2021 · 22/12/2020 20:36

@billy1966 THIS! Everything you said! Do you work with kids? How so clever! I needed to read this. And I need to get to work on dealing with this!

OP posts:
taskmasterfan · 22/12/2020 21:09

I think this is a phase they go through and its really thankless as a parent when you try so hard. A few times i have actually let myself cry infront of them and when they asked me what was wrong I explained. I think the oldest is old enough to be aware that evem
Mum has feelings that need to be respected.

I have to say it is always worse when i am trying too hard, which if you have had to delete social media then you possibly are setting yourself up with high expectations x

peaceanddove · 22/12/2020 21:21

The only reason children treat their parents like crap is because their parents allow it.

chubbyhotchoc · 22/12/2020 21:23

A lot of planned fun turns out a bit difficult with kids. I still take pics unless it's a total disaster. I took dd6 to see the illuminations at Blackpool. I don't particularly like Blackpool and was heavily pregnant at the time but I thought she would like to see the lights and ride the tram. Sorry I bothered. She moaned through the whole thing and had a paddy about not going on one of those Cinderella horse drawn carriage rides. We still took a pic of her holding an over priced light up toy under the tower and I still put it on fb. Most parents will take pics to prove they've done their parenting bit regardless of how well the activity has actually gone down. Don't worry

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