AIBU to expect nursery to do more about biting child?

Willow201302 · 2020-12-21T23:35:24+00:00

One child at 3 y/o DC’s nursery is constantly hurting the other children, including DC who has come home with several bite marks, marks from being hit and pushed etc. We have raised concerns both in person and via email, and the staff have explained that they are aware of the child’s behaviour and are trying to manage it. But yet again today DC has a red mark on their cheek from being hit [sad] AIBU to expect the nursery to do something to manage this? I understand they often go through biting/hitting phases, but over the last 2 weeks there have been 4 occasions where DC has been hurt by this child now. I am considering pulling them out of the nursery.

Saltn · 21/12/2020 23:41

Yanbu to expect the nursery to be taking action to look after this child so they are less able to hurt others. However, do remember this is a 3 year old you are speaking about who may be going through a phase,or could have deeper issues such as SEN. Your child may very well be like this child one day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2020 23:43

I’d take him out if you don’t think they’re keeping your child safe. That’s a hell of a catalogue of injuries and he has a right to be safe there, you must be very concerned.

ForestNymph · 21/12/2020 23:43

YANBU to be upset but what do you want them to do? My son used to bite a lot. He has autism and ADHD. He wasn't diagnosed at 3 but we knew he had "something". What do you expect the nursery to do? Exclude him?

Audreyhelp · 21/12/2020 23:47

I am sure they are doing what they can . Poor parents of the biter,

FoxyTheFox · 21/12/2020 23:52

Some small children are biters, I've been the parent of a biter and I've been the parent of the bitten child. Most grow out of it but I know that is no consolation when your child is the one being bitten. I would ask nursery for details on exactly how they are going to reduce the chances of your child being bitten/injured and what steps are in place.

cherish123 · 21/12/2020 23:53

I am quite resilient- not a snowflake as a parent. I rarely complain but I wouldn't be happy about this. A one off - fair enough. They are constantly supervised in the nursery and, as it's happened before, the staff must be anticipating it. I would want to take him out but, if he is otherwise happy, consider giving the nursery another go.

Autumnismyseason · 21/12/2020 23:53

They have a duty of care to safe guard your child. If they aren’t doing that then you should raise to the nursery manager and board. If a child is biting or hitting then they should be putting a staff member 1 in 1 with them or working out what the trigger situations/ patterns are and closely monitoring them in those situations. They should also explain the plans they have put in place to safe guard your child. They don’t need to go into details of the child themselves (name, if SEN, if difficult home life) but ultimately if they can’t work with the parents to resolve it and the child continues to be a danger to other children then yes they can exclude them if the behaviour is unmanageable

Original poster

Willow201302 · 21/12/2020 23:55

I’d like to think that they could have someone shadowing this child and doing one to one to prevent these constant injuries. The staff have said it isn’t just DC being targeted, so it must be a daily occurrence I know they are only young but I was more understanding when it was just a couple of incidents, there is still a red mark on DC face today from the hit.

OP posts:

ForestNymph · 21/12/2020 23:55

@Autumnismyseason

They have a duty of care to safe guard your child. If they aren’t doing that then you should raise to the nursery manager and board. If a child is biting or hitting then they should be putting a staff member 1 in 1 with them or working out what the trigger situations/ patterns are and closely monitoring them in those situations. They should also explain the plans they have put in place to safe guard your child. They don’t need to go into details of the child themselves (name, if SEN, if difficult home life) but ultimately if they can’t work with the parents to resolve it and the child continues to be a danger to other children then yes they can exclude them if the behaviour is unmanageable

You'd honestly suggest excluding a child? Guess us parents of SEN children can never work or have any childcare ever eh.

ClaireP20 · 21/12/2020 23:55

Why haven't you taken them out? I understand if you have to work, but it's not a safe environment. Where are the bloody staff when this happens?!? Yes kids can bite. But not often at 3..sounds like a terrible nursery, I'm guessing private rather than part of a school? X

BeardieWeirdie · 21/12/2020 23:56

Your poor child must be terrified. I wouldn’t send them to a place where they are being repeatedly attacked.

ForestNymph · 21/12/2020 23:57

@Willow201302

I’d like to think that they could have someone shadowing this child and doing one to one to prevent these constant injuries. The staff have said it isn’t just DC being targeted, so it must be a daily occurrence

I know they are only young but I was more understanding when it was just a couple of incidents, there is still a red mark on DC face today from the hit.

Do you have multiple children? I remember being upset when DS1 was 8 months old and an older child fell on him. I quickly learned when DS1 was a biter that it isn't always preventable.

I ask about multiple kids because if you do, you'll see how quickly it can happen. DS2 had a biting phase, not as bad as DS1 thankfully but he would always just bite DD. It would be so fast that I couldn't always stop it. I imagine nursery is similar.

ForeverBubblegum · 21/12/2020 23:58

They can't do anything "about" the other child, except nurture them to develop their social/ communication skills, but they should be watching more closely so they can prevent children getting hurt. They seem to be letting down all the children, especially the biting child, who is clearly not having their need met.

FoxyTheFox · 21/12/2020 23:58

They don’t need to go into details of the child themselves (name, if SEN, if difficult home life) but ultimately if they can’t work with the parents to resolve it and the child continues to be a danger to other children then yes they can exclude them if the behaviour is unmanageable

Not if the behaviour is related to additional needs they can't, it would be unlawful and discriminatory.

OP, your best bet is to speak to nursery and find out what a measures they have got in place and what additional measures - if any - they are planning to implement.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2020 23:59

Does your son still want to go to the nursery? Still having a red mark is awful, poor mite.

jakeyboy1 · 22/12/2020 00:00

They should be putting the biter on 1:1 supervision. I have experience of my child being bitten by a serial biter and it was so upsetting. The child had only just been taken off 1:1 and was put back on straight away. You are paying them to keep your child safe. Yes the odd bite/nip happens but when it goes beyond this they need to look at why and how to stop it.

FoxyTheFox · 22/12/2020 00:00

I ask about multiple kids because if you do, you'll see how quickly it can happen. DS2 had a biting phase, not as bad as DS1 thankfully but he would always just bite DD. It would be so fast that I couldn't always stop it.

DS once managed to bite another child while sitting on my knee and while holding my hands, he just shot his upper body forwards lightening quick and - CHOMP! - like a shark. I was mortified. His biting lessened as his communication skills improved.

ForestNymph · 22/12/2020 00:03

@FoxyTheFox

I ask about multiple kids because if you do, you'll see how quickly it can happen. DS2 had a biting phase, not as bad as DS1 thankfully but he would always just bite DD. It would be so fast that I couldn't always stop it.

DS once managed to bite another child while sitting on my knee and while holding my hands, he just shot his upper body forwards lightening quick and - CHOMP! - like a shark. I was mortified. His biting lessened as his communication skills improved.

My younger two are twins and will go from cuddling each other to someone taking a nip out of someone else's finger exceedingly quickly. Short of never allowing them near each other, there's no way to prevent it completely.

DS1s serial biting improved with communication too. Not only is he autistic with ADHD but he's also partially deaf. That combination meant he was really frustrated and couldn't understand what was going on. Once his hearing was sorted and he developed his speech, he rarely bit anymore.

june2007 · 22/12/2020 00:05

I have worked in a nursery where we had more then 1 biter in a room. It is not always possible to have 1-1 but yes we tried to do close supervision. We try to split potential perpetrators from p[otential vitims. 9some children tend to be victims more then others.) Ask what the bitting policy is, have a chat with room leader, how are they dealing with the bitten child. It would be uneasonable to promise yur child won,t get hurt but they can say what they are doing to improve the situation.

ChestnutStuffing · 22/12/2020 00:06

They seem to be letting down all the children, especially the biting child, who is clearly not having their need met.

What makes you think that?

Original poster

Willow201302 · 22/12/2020 00:07

Thanks for all the responses - I know it isn’t the biting/hitting child’s fault at all, I just don’t feel the behaviour management is up to scratch. The nursery is brilliant in every other way, It is a private nursery, DC’s key workers and teachers are lovely but DC hasn’t even healed from the bite mark yet and now has another red mark from being hit. I might keep them off nursery until I have been able to discuss this with the nursery, but I work and study so really need childcare too

OP posts:

FoxyTheFox · 22/12/2020 00:07

Because biting is often down to tiredness, frustration, hunger, boredom, difficulties in communicating, etc

Flowerpot345 · 22/12/2020 00:14

My SS was badly bit at nursery by a much bigger child, I was obviously unhappy about this, I would take my child out if they were being hurt multiple times.
Regardless of what is going on with this other child your child should be safe.

AllesAusLiebe · 22/12/2020 00:42

God, this is my worst nightmare. I think I'd remove DS from the situation if it was possible, but totally understand the dilemma when you're working. I really feel for you. Do you have a chance to work from home to give your DS some respite?

How many kids are in the room at one time at the nursery?

MustardMitt · 22/12/2020 00:46

@Willow201302 I am the parent of two former biters. Twins, if they were shadowed by staff in the toddler room, then four other children (as I think 3:1 ratio) don’t get any attention. Even if one staff member tags in more than one biter it’s so hard to stop them.

I’m sorry it’s upsetting you, it’s really upsetting to be the parent of a biter. When they’re little there’s practically nothing you can do apart from wait until they have better understanding.