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Original poster

To want what my friends have ?

39 replies

londongirl20 · 21/12/2020 21:27

I know you can never judge relationships from the outside, so this is silly but.. I just feel like my friend's husbands respect / value their wives more than I'm valued. I feel like these men feel really lucky to have their wives and will support them more than I feel supported. For example: my friend is from abroad and she wished to have her baby abroad and near family, so her husband respected and supported her through that. I also wished to have my baby nearer to my family ( not abroad, but far away ) but my husband insisted we need to do things locally. I wish to visit ( covid aside for now ) my family more often, but he's not happy about it. Whereas my friends husband understands when my friend wants to visit family. I'm told I'm not loyal to him if I visit more frequently than he would like. I feel like I'm always failing him and it's always about what he wants and what he needs. The relationships I see around me, the men seem to 'pander' to their women a lot and they try hard to keep them happy. I don't feel this way. I feel like I'm always needing to please him and do things for him to be happy. I'm not sure what he really does for me. I do the food shopping, cooking, laundry and housework. He takes out the bin. When we get a takeaway, I always let him choose. I look after the baby basically alone and I work too. I just don't know what I get in return, that I can't even go and visit my family freely ( covid aside now ). That's all I really want and I am made to feel bad if I do it. I don't know the point of this post but I just don't feel valued. My friend's husbands just seem to value them more.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2020 21:30

What’s stopping you from leaving? DH doesn’t pander to me and I don’t do it to him but we respect and care for and support each other. If you’re unhappy and don’t feel like you’re living the life you want, you’ve talked to him about, asked for him to make changes and he won’t, then you should leave him.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2020 21:32

Your friends seem to be married to men who actually like them and want them to be happy

Anything good about your relationship?

PeterPickerPacker · 21/12/2020 21:37

As above PP said, what you are seeing is your friends married to a partner who actually likes and respects them which you don't appear to have I'm afraid.

I'm told I'm not loyal to him if I visit more frequently than he would like

What does this even mean? It's your family? My DH isn't perfect but he's always happy for me to see family/friends. It's got nothing to do with loyalty why on earth would it.

This is controlling.

You should leave.

Original poster
londongirl20 · 21/12/2020 21:40

@PeterPickerPacker yeah I mean right now it's impossible anyway to visit. But I had suggested that to save money on childcare I could spend one week every 2-3 months with my family so they can look after the baby while I work. Not sure if that's really unreasonable to expect ? I would be away from him for a week every 2-3 months. To me that's perfectly reasonable but to him it's absolutely not.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 21/12/2020 23:02

I’m really sorry OP. Your DP sounds controlling and unkind.

Why does he get to choose the takeaway? Why doesn’t he help look after his own baby? Why does he complain when you want to visit your family? None of that is normal or respectful.

Your friends relationships look healthier and more respectful because that’s what they are.

You don’t need him. You do everything for your baby already. You don’t have to stay with him. Don’t let him talk you in to staying. He won’t change.

Good luck. You’re stronger than you know.

Illy605 · 21/12/2020 23:07

Sounds exactly like my ex. I left him, built myself back up where he had knocked me down and am now with a man who respects me and wants to make me happy.

You deserve that too, OP. I hope you find the strength to put a stop to the way he is controlling you and every aspect of your life. 💕

nanbread · 21/12/2020 23:09

I would be away from him for a week every 2-3 months. To me that's perfectly reasonable but to him it's absolutely not.

Well yeah of course he doesn't want you to go, because when you're away who would do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry for him? And presumably have sex with him?

Maybe he knows if you spend some time away from him you'll prefer it...

What exactly does he bring to your lives?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 21/12/2020 23:09

Op, they don't 'pander' to their women. They have a normal supportive relationship. Which you could too, just not with him.
If I want to visit my family I will fucking visit my family. No one can tell me no (well, unless government and too expensive plane tickets🙄). Same for my partner.

I will be frank here, I think you need to hear it. Their relationships are not the odd ones. Yours is because he isn't by the sound of it particularly nice person and is walking all over you.

jgjgjgjgjg · 21/12/2020 23:15

What happens if you decide to pick the takeaway? Or tell him that he needs to parent his child alone on a weekend day while you have some time off? Or announce that you are going to visit your parents without his 'permission'?

Are you afraid of how he will react? Afraid of him?

If so that's a very clear sign that you need to get out.

Stompythedinosaur · 21/12/2020 23:19

I think your partner doesn't sound very nice op!

sofiaaaaaa · 21/12/2020 23:20

You’re with the wrong guy. He’s the problem and your concerns are justified

MrDarcyismines · 21/12/2020 23:25

You can't really know what goes on in their marriages. Besides, A marriage isn't based on a man making his wife happy, its about compromises so you're both happy!

He sounds controlling. You should be able to visit your family as much as you like.
You need to talk to him.

Namechange2020lalala · 21/12/2020 23:25

When I was in a miserable, controlling, relationship with my now ex DH I because so envious of her relationships where both partners needs were met. I couldn't believe how much happier I am now that I'm free to make my own happiness and don't need to beg for scraps from an uncaring arse.

2bazookas · 21/12/2020 23:31

You're pandering to your husband. always let him choose the takeaway fgs!

Maybe your friends don't behave like doormats, and thats why they get more respect and consideration.

Waveysnail · 21/12/2020 23:33

Only you know your husband. Looking back my DH was incredibly insecure when we had our first and he thought that me wanted to be with my parents was that I didn't like living with him (we lived a flight away in his home town). He later confessed he had an irrational fear that I wouldn't come home to him. We talked in through and did similar to what you suggested. sun night and fly home next sat morning.

tootesuite · 21/12/2020 23:37

He sounds controlling and you are doing far too much.

Why are you doing everything?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/12/2020 23:41

Their husbands dont pander to them. I think in a healthy relationship both parties want to make each other happy and that means both making occasional sacrifices and compromises for the sake of the other person and in time it all evens out.

It sounds very one sided in your relationship. Most decent partners wouldnt want their partner to be run ragged doing all the housework and childcare and working while they just worked and nothing else (assuming they didnt have one of those 100 hour a week jobs). They would feel bad for the other person and like they were taking advantage. Most people want their partner to be happy.

It sounds like he deliberately takes advantage but I do wonder from what you've said though how much you martyr yourself as well. Why do you always choose what he wants for a takeaway for example? Does he even know that you're choosing something more for him than you? What would happen if you said 'we had your favourite last time so I'd like to choose my favourite this time' for example?

gurglebelly · 21/12/2020 23:44

Sorry OP but he sounds like a bit of an arse. Did you marriage vows include a bit about him getting to be the boss of you? Why the hell are you giving him this much power?

TheRealHousewife · 21/12/2020 23:46

@londongirl20 Comparison is the thief of joy. Compromise is the giver of life. Learn to be more assertive and express your needs. It’s your life too. Get him to step up in the parenting department so you get some down time. Good luck!

CucumberFacePot · 21/12/2020 23:50

I could have wrote this post 3 years ago when I was with ExDH.

OP please believe that you absolutely deserve to be valued in the same way that your friends are and that you deserve better. Are there other issues with your relationship? There were with mine - my ex was controlling in many different ways, some I would never have shared with anyone.

If that is you then please know that you are not alone and you can leave the relationship if you choose. There is help out there if you need it.

FWIW I am now in a new relationship with a man who does show me that respect. It does exist and should be the norm, however alien that feels right now.

Iwantcollarbones · 22/12/2020 00:04

I was ready to say say the same as pp; that comparison is the their original joy, but actually your dh is being awful to you. Your relationship is not normal.

You’re the only one who can change it. He may not like it but you are the only person who can decide if it’s ok to you. I wouldn’t put up with personally. I’ve been in controlling relationships with abusive men who did this type of thing and both my DC and I are far happier out of that. Maybe he isn’t abusive but it’s definitely something you should try and talk about with him. How he responds will be very telling.

Foghead · 22/12/2020 00:08

We only get one life. Live it how you want to live it, which sounds perfectly reasonable.
If you want to see your family, just do it. You don’t need your dh’s permission.
And start choosing what you want to eat and ask him to do more to be part of the family.

partyatthepalace · 22/12/2020 00:50

He sounds unpleasantly controlling.

It also doesn’t sound like you are too fond of him.

Seems like you have 2 choices - either just put in place plans to call it a day. Or, if it used to be better and you think it’s retrievable, then you are going to have to stop pandering to him, and start standing up for yourself. This is going to be hard because he’s controlling and you’ve got into the habit of obeying him. So I’d start with one or two points, sit him done, explain the changes you want, and stick to them. Start with something easy-ish.

Original poster
londongirl20 · 22/12/2020 03:14

Thanks for the replies !

For the takeaway thing - recently I've chosen it and it's been fine. He didn't insist on always choosing, I just always let him because I guess I always felt a bit bad because he works very hard in a physical job with lots of hours and doesn't like getting take aways and sees it as my responsibility to provide food for him.

I wouldn't say he's abusive. I just think the balance is off. I don't feel like he feels lucky to have me and vice versa. It's been a tough year. I have been putting my foot down lately and asking for a lot more help. He does it but he gets all moody about it and tired. Just like I get tired and moody dealing with everything all day. He's not the sort of person to shout etc, he just gets moody and it's not nice to be around. So essentially when he helps more and I insist that he does, he does it but he's exhausted and moody while doing it. But in order to get the help, I need to have a nervous breakdown every week and complain constantly. It always slips. I feel like his moodiness is like a guilt trip that he has to do stuff. Example, he'll be cooking and just curse away at himself at how disorganised the kitchen is, or that he can't find stuff because I've put it away etc. It really annoys me, it's like he's not really helping, but just complaining about how I keep the house. ' oh we don't have a spice rack, it's ridiculous, I can never find anything. It's impossible to cook in this kitchen '. Stuff like that. So annoying. I just wish he took responsibility and sorted out what he thought was wrong, but he never does. He doesn't directly blame me, but I feel blamed for everything.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/12/2020 06:52

It isn't your responsibility to feed a grown man

The moodiness is just manipulation so you stop asking him to do anything and you do it all. I don't see anything to love about him

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