To want what my friends have ?

[londongirl20]

I know you can never judge relationships from the outside, so this is silly but.. I just feel like my friend's husbands respect / value their wives more than I'm valued. I feel like these men feel really lucky to have their wives and will support them more than I feel supported. For example: my friend is from abroad and she wished to have her baby abroad and near family, so her husband respected and supported her through that. I also wished to have my baby nearer to my family ( not abroad, but far away ) but my husband insisted we need to do things locally. I wish to visit ( covid aside for now ) my family more often, but he's not happy about it. Whereas my friends husband understands when my friend wants to visit family. I'm told I'm not loyal to him if I visit more frequently than he would like. I feel like I'm always failing him and it's always about what he wants and what he needs. The relationships I see around me, the men seem to 'pander' to their women a lot and they try hard to keep them happy. I don't feel this way. I feel like I'm always needing to please him and do things for him to be happy. I'm not sure what he really does for me. I do the food shopping, cooking, laundry and housework. He takes out the bin. When we get a takeaway, I always let him choose. I look after the baby basically alone and I work too. I just don't know what I get in return, that I can't even go and visit my family freely ( covid aside now ). That's all I really want and I am made to feel bad if I do it. I don't know the point of this post but I just don't feel valued. My friend's husbands just seem to value them more.

The complaining is aggressive and is meant to show you how angry he is with you.
Reframe it to show you how incompetent and selfish he is. If he’s cooking, go off and do something else so you don’t have to listen to him. Never defend yourself to him because you haven’t done anything wrong.
It’s all him, not you. Unfortunately you now have to live a life where you need to find coping methods to deal with the constant low levels of stress that he inflicted on you.

He sounds sexist to me honest. You work but because you're a woman, the house and childcare are also your responsibility. Also the way you word it sounds like you think it's also your responsibility, he shouldn't be 'helping' he should be doing his share.
Neither of you sound happy to be honest. Him because he clearly feels like his servant is getting above herself asking for help and you because even though he is doing more it's not because he feels like he should and doesnt want to take advantage of you, its because in his eyes you've 'nagged' him, and so his 'help' comes at a price and overall it's still your responsibility.

You could always suggest counselling but with his misguided views around what 'loyalty' is I'm not sure he would go for it. If not you could always go alone to try and figure out why you have put up with this crap for so long and what you want to do about it.

Having a manual job is not an excuse, plenty of people have a manual job and manage to do their housework and look after their children when they're home.

I second a pp, don't listen to the show he's putting on for you, go elsewhere. And visit your family ! Don't ask, tell him you're going and you've already bought the tickets. And I'd think twice before coming back.

@Marty13 I will. Once it's actually allowed again. For now we are all stuck !

@Marty13 I just wanted it to be a regular thing, no questions asked. I wanted to go every 2-3 months for a week in order to save a bit of money and recoup and have my parents spend time with their granddaughter. Apparently this means I'm not loyal because a family needs to be together at all times. I think our values clash on that because I'm definitely one for a bit of distance and a change of scenery and routine. I know that's harder to do with a child but it has always helped me find perspective in life. Seeing as my family live further away, I've been having this change of scenery almost my entire life. Every couple of months or so. I feel energised by it ( this is all pre covid and taking covid out of it ) and I wanted that to continue once married, especially before my child is in school etc etc But even then, for half terms etc I'm sure we could visit my family. It's just how I've always lived. I'm not sure if that's unreasonable now to expect to continue ?

It sounds like you're not getting what you want from your relationship and neither of you are very happy.

It's not unreasonable at all.
We got into a bit of a rut like this when the kids were little (although my DH was maybe not quite so extreme).
I talked to him and I started the conversation with do you actually like me and want to be married to me?
And took it from there

Have you read up on coercive control, op? Sounds a bit worrying to me - the "moodiness", the strange insinuation that having close relationships with extended family equates to being disloyal to him.

I lost myself to my ex. He decided everything, and made my life hell if I didn't fall into line. Little things, subtle things, but I was always under his thumb somehow. It sucks the life out of you.

I suspect he worries that if you spend time with your family you will realise that you don’t want to return to him.

Does he make you feel bad for wanting to see friends too?

@Aahotep that's what I basically said yesterday. I said all around me I see men who really love their wives and go out of their way to make them happy. I feel like all I do is try to make you happy. It's always about you or how I'm failing you. You don't seem to feel luck to be with me. My friend's husband adores her. He would do anything for her. It just doesn't feel that way.. I think it did make him stop and think. I don't want to be complaining the entire time and nagging. I just wish he thought about my happiness more, like I think of his.

@MeMarmiteYouJam I'll definitely look up coercive control.

@Omeara I can't really see friends right now of course. But when I could, he wouldn't make me feel amazing about it I would say. He never stopped me but I always felt a bit guilty and he'd always say stuff like ' you're out again ' etc etc. I used to go out a lot after work and he hated this. But I did it anyway. Like I said he'd never stop me but always make me feel a bit bad. He would never be happy for me that I was going out and having fun, like I am if he does it. He doesn't do it that much generally though, even pre covid. With us it's always me being out and him being home kind of situation. I also used to travel a lot for work and see family a lot so I was always coming back to him and he was always kind of left at home. Which can't have been nice for him.

I have to say that I wouldn't approach this as "her husband is better than you" because that's how it kind of sounds. If my DH said that to me, I would probably just answer "well marry them then" as a knee jerk reaction to the comparison.

Rather than saying "Look at x's relationship, why don't we have it that good" you should say "Our relationship isn't making me, and I think you too, as haopy as I would like. We need to change things. Let's talk about them." Just leave out other people.

@SchrodingersImmigrant yeah taking the other people into it really doesn't help at all. Or even comparing to be honest because you never know what their relationship is actually like. But from the outside it seems her needs are met more.

I think you need to stop looking at others and focus on what you want. It's not unreasonable to want love, respect, a partner who genuinely wants your happiness and does their fair share.
If he's not willing or able to do this then you have to make a decision.
It's true that you never know what goes on in another relationship and they aren't always what they seem from outside.
Do you think he's insecure? I agree with a pp who said he's scared you won't come back. Also the same with you going out with friends.
My DH has an overactive imagination and worries about something bad happening to me and was also convinced that I am such a catch that I was bound to be swept off my feet. I've never looked at anyone else, I have no interest in doing so. I mean I'm really nothing special and it's nice to know he thinks I am that amazing but I couldn't live not doing things because they make him irrationally worried. I insisted he had to work on this and he has.
There's a lot to think about and your DH needs to lay off the passive aggression and discuss the situation like an adult. No doubt he'll pretend that he has no idea what you are talking about.
Stand up for what you want op. You're better alone than with someone who treats you like that and in that knowledge is power.