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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not use my maternity leave for this anymore?

70 replies

QualityTweetTweet · 21/12/2020 14:14

Try to keep it brief. On maternity and have been for a few weeks.

It seems I've become a free for all with DHs ex in terms of being asked to do school runs, and after school childcare.

I don't mind helping out the odd day but it's getting stupid now. I keep being asked last minute on DHs exes days if I'll drop them off/pick them up/have them after school and so on because she's working.

It's like now I'm at home she doesn't need to bother sorting anything out now.

But I'm fucking knackered! And quite frankly I just don't want to do it anymore. They are obviously off now but in the new year I'm just going to say no from now on.

I was saying yes when I could to try and keep relations friendly but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
tootesuite · 21/12/2020 15:12

YANBU if you're going to start saying no.

YABU if you're just going to let off steam here and then keep being a mug to her.

Xiaoxiong · 21/12/2020 15:15

Don't reply, forward her texts to your DH, saying "I think this was meant for you".

He is wriggling out of conflict, making you into the bad guy saying no. He needs to be the one to say no, or to help out himself if he can.

rossclare · 21/12/2020 15:17

@TragedyHands

Just say no, the children have 2 parents. You aren't one of them, so not your problem. They'll use you if you let them, put your big girl pants on and tell them to gtf.
But......surely if you get together with someone with children, then they should become 'your problem'? I agree that the ex seems to be taking the mickey, but these are really tough times for everyone, and shouldn't we all be trying to help each other a little?
ohwhatamiserableyear · 21/12/2020 15:18

Your DH needs to tell her to sort out her own arrangements for her 50% of the time, other than for genuine emergencies. And for those, she needs to be contacting him, not you.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 21/12/2020 15:21

@rossclare In an emergency yes...... the OP is not there to be treated as a mug / unpaid childcare!

Crystalvas · 21/12/2020 15:23

Tell her no your not her personal childminder. She would have to make alternative arrangments if you wern’t on maternity leave.

MatildaTheCat · 21/12/2020 15:24

Does the ex have a partner? Maybe start messaging him to ask if he can babysit your new baby?!

2BDIs · 21/12/2020 15:24

Op you don't have to justify to anyone what you are doing with your maternity leave. You must be exhausted and both your DH and his ex are being really unfair in you. Man up and tell both of then to sort childcare amongst yourself and then if she still keeps chasing say I'm sorry I can't speak to DH, and then move on with your day. Best if luck

Candyfloss99 · 21/12/2020 15:26

Eh no way. You are not her unpaid babysitter. Just block her she can communicate through their father. Absolutely no need to involve you.

Hercwasonasnowball · 21/12/2020 15:30

Could you compromise and do one day a week regularly, then leave her the rest?
It's really hard to get childcare at the moment if after school club is shut.

Tal45 · 21/12/2020 15:34

I'd just tell her you're exhausted and not feeling too good and you just wanted to let her know as you didn't want her relying on you when you're just not feeling up to it right now.

missbipolar · 21/12/2020 15:35

Well he's not always able to manage if your the one that's doing it 🤷

BiddyPop · 21/12/2020 15:36

actually at home most of the time, usually trying to catch up on sleep I didn't get the night before!

But that IS a plan!! So you are actually busy, no need to feel guilty about that.

DontBeShelfish · 21/12/2020 15:38

Say no. This happened to me with my DPs ex. I felt bad saying no because I'd always done it, and I was off work after all. But I ended up feeling completely overwhelmed and had to deal with PND as a result. The ex slagged me off in text messages and called me "the wicked stepmum". That was the end of me being nice.

Original poster
QualityTweetTweet · 21/12/2020 15:38

@missbipolar

Well he's not always able to manage if your the one that's doing it 🤷
On his days, he manages it. These are solely the days his ex is supposed to have the children.
OP posts:
Goldencurtain · 21/12/2020 15:40

I am constantly surprised on here by the posters that have no concept of what a backbone or boundaries is

madcatladyforever · 21/12/2020 15:40

You need to learn how to say no. She is taking the piss.
Just say no, you don't need to give a reason or apologise or any of those things. These are not your children.

Original poster
QualityTweetTweet · 21/12/2020 15:41

Will speak to DH tonight and tell him he'll need to reply to her from now on.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 21/12/2020 15:44

@QualityTweetTweet

Surely you have other plans

This is why it's hard because I don't at the moment due to Covid 😂 so I'm actually at home most of the time, usually trying to catch up on sleep I didn't get the night before!

Tell her you are sorry but it doesn’t work with establishing the baby’s routine, you are sorry the baby just sh*t on a lamp/the floor, I mean really you have enough to be getting on with.
TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 21/12/2020 15:46

If you don’t want to, say no and don’t feel bad about it- you’ve no reason to.

rollinggreenhills · 21/12/2020 15:49

@QualityTweetTweet

Surely you have other plans

This is why it's hard because I don't at the moment due to Covid 😂 so I'm actually at home most of the time, usually trying to catch up on sleep I didn't get the night before!

All the more reason to not have them then, surely? You want to minimise the risk to yourself and the baby.
Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 21/12/2020 15:49

Shame you need to be napping not free child caring isn't it?
Phone on silent should do it.
Or block the cf....

Jenifirtree · 21/12/2020 15:54

Block her number. She will probably then ask your dh to ask you. Then youll see his response too.

HitthatroadJack · 21/12/2020 15:55

@FivePercentDeposit

It’s your maternity leave. Your special time. I’d kindly remind her of that as she had her time with her children and she needs to make sure she is organised enough or speak directly with their dad for last minute care.
don't do that, it will end up with unnecessary arguments.

Just "No sorry, can't I am not available" and repeat.

If you had your midwife appointment, yoga class, or whatever, you would NOT be available. So... you are not.

"oh but no one is available"
"Hope you find someone! Good luck"/

CharityDingle · 21/12/2020 15:56

'Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.'

Next time she asked, and you say no, she says 'oh' ...just bear the above mantra in mind.

YANBU.