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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel so sad about infertility and my partner already having children

28 replies

curlyhairdiva · 21/12/2020 11:41

Hi all, I'm literally crying as I write this because I feel such intense sadness about my situation right now. Basically, me and my partner are experiencing infertility (I have pcos and don't ovulate naturally). We having been trying for a very long time and it is has resulted in me experiencing depression. Becoming a mother is the only thing I want in life and nothing else could ever compare to that for me. My partner already has a child from a previous relationship (she is 12) and he has joint custody. I get on really well with his daughter and we have a good bond - I do care very much about her. But I feel enormous sadness when she visits and I see them spending time together because it reminds me that my partner has everything I want with another woman. I never show these feelings in front of his daughter and disguise my sadness with smiles and jokes, but inside I feel absolutely distraught. Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?

OP posts:

formerbabe · 21/12/2020 11:44

So sorry . That sounds really hard. I think what you're feeling sounds entirely normal

ForestNymph · 21/12/2020 11:46

No you're not unreasonable to feel like that. Its very normal. As long as you're not blaming the child and acting negatively towards her, which you're not, you are fine. I am sorry you're going through a difficult time

Biffbaff · 21/12/2020 11:48

No, of course you're not a terrible person. Have you considered any counselling/therapy, OP? This is a lot to come to terms with.

Odile13 · 21/12/2020 11:49

You’re not a terrible person OP. What you’re going through is awful and your feelings sound completely natural. You’re doing a brave, good thing by hiding your feelings from his daughter. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐

TheBuffster · 21/12/2020 12:17

I know most people want their own child, but have you considered adoption? I know this might come across as heavy handed, but I have a colleague who adopted and her love for her child is as strong as any biological child. As someone who unexpectedly had a disabled child, there are no guarantees in this world and looking at what others' have only leads to sadness.
Please have hope though, many people who struggle to conceive still do. Xx

Merryoldgoat · 21/12/2020 12:20

What treatments have you tried? I have PCOS and whilst I didn’t have fertility issues it was expected I would so the doctor said there was lots they could do if necessary.

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. It would be very hard to deal with.

LivingInCheckedMidis · 21/12/2020 12:31

I don't have any advice other than I am also in the exact same situation and what you're describing is totally normal.

I also have PCOS and are actively trying whilst waiting for our first appointment at the fertility clinic. My DP also has a DD from a previous relationship and it's so, so difficult. Things like Father's Day really set me off when DSD's mum does a big card with photos of the two of them. It really cuts deep.

I'm not going to try give any advice because there isn't anything that can make us feel better

DianaT1969 · 21/12/2020 12:49

I hope that you get excellent fertility treatment OP. In the meantime, have you tried reducing insulin and inflammation with intermittent fasting? You're probably already doing it, but just thought I'd mention as I know PCOS is very complex and individual.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 21/12/2020 13:57

I have PCOS and incredibly irregular periods. When we were struggling to conceive I found I even had to hide people on Facebook if they were pregnant or had babies because it was so difficult at times.

I knew my feelings were not particularly "normal" and I never really admitted them to anyone. My feelings were totally valid as they were mine but I didn't project them onto anyone else's happiness because that wouldn't have been fair of me. I put a brave face on, even at my family and friends baby showers.

I started taking metformin and taking omega 3 and eventually fell pregnant. I swear by Omega 3 as I had two friends in the same boat who had been struggling for longer than me and who started taking it upon my suggestion and now both have babies

gwenneh · 21/12/2020 14:11

I'm sorry, OP. PCOS is so shit. You're not a terrible person for having feelings!

All the success stories in the world from PCOS mums don't really help when you're in the middle of it all, either. I remember that very vividly.

MissSmiley · 21/12/2020 15:31

@TheBuffster adoption isn't a cure for infertility, I say this as someone who went through 9 rounds of ivf! Please don't make the mistake of thinking this, it's incredibly insulting to the OP

MissSmiley · 21/12/2020 15:34

@Curlyhairdiva can you access some counselling? It's incredibly difficult experiencing not being able to conceive. How old are you and your partner?
I have huge sympathy with your situation, does your partner know how hard you are finding things?

demitrimendeleev1 · 21/12/2020 15:36

Boohooyouho · 21/12/2020 15:40

And within a few posts adoption is thrown in, along with an incredibly insulting insinuation that adopted children are not our own. I have been in your position OP and it’s hard. Really hard. You are not being unreasonable to be finding this painful. As it turns out, for us, adoption was the right path. But it’s a personal decision that we reached after a lot of soul searching and counselling. Hope you manage to find some way of easing your pain.

TheBuffster · 21/12/2020 16:03

That's just my own personal experience. Again, because my own conception, birth and subsequently finding out ds has a disability it's an option I'd consider if I was to have a second to a our the heartache of infertility and uncertainty. There's no need to be rude about it. She either will or won't take it on board. Personally I think adoption is a good thing that people don't perhaps consider because it's not done too often and seen as unusual. Apologies if I upset anyone, but I think it's not a bad thing.

MissSmiley · 21/12/2020 16:14

@TheBuffster I'm sorry to hear about your own situation, I agree, adoption is a great thing to do but it's not a fix for infertility, my own long journey through infertility and miscarriage still affects my life now twenty years on despite giving birth to five children, having the children has been amazing but it didn't cure the infertility or take away the pain experienced in the process

Chinainmyhandsoitis · 21/12/2020 16:19

You should remember that whilst he has 'everything you want with another woman' it wasn't enough to keep them together.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2020 16:22

I’m sorry for your struggles OP

I’m a step mum too and had years of miscarriages before I had my daughter. It’s so hard when things so many other people find easy seem out of your reach. I do empathise. Is your husband understanding and supportive?

BaubleBabbles · 21/12/2020 16:33

Hi OP,

I have name changed for this but I've been here a while.

I have been in this exact situation. I went through years of miscarriages before our son. I have felt all of these feelings. I would hate it when my DSC came to stay because it forced me to think about it whereas when me and DH were alone I could try and forget and pretend we were on the same page if that makes sense?

It's really really hard, you are not a bad person for feeling this way, you're a human being with emotions and feelings and you're entitled to them. It's like rubbing salt in the wound watching your partner parent when you're going through this, I get it.

If you ever want to message please feel free to send me a private one. I won't judge anything you have to say as I can guarantee I've thought it before!

I hope you're getting some help both for the fertility problems and for your mental health. It decimated my MH, I really couldn't have got through without counselling and medication.

And to PP, it may have been said with the best intentions but please don't bring up adoption on threads like this. I thought it was well known by now that it's not helpful, at all.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 21/12/2020 17:21

Another vote to not mention adoption on these type of threads. I also have fertility issues and don’t wish to adopt thanks very much. I’m sure OP is aware of adoption, as am l but it’s not for me

Nsky · 21/12/2020 17:25

Have you tried accupunture, I understand it may help, and fairly affordable

isawthatt · 21/12/2020 17:27

YANBU at all, I’m sorry you’re going through this💐

MamaDane · 21/12/2020 17:32

Hello OP.
I also have pcos and fertility treatment helped us along with diet and exercise. Try to avoid/lessen starch by a lot and sugary foods as well.
After 6 IUI it was successful for us and we now have our twin boys.

PurpleDaisies · 21/12/2020 17:33

As if anyone suffering with infertility hasn’t thought about whether adoption might be an option. There’s nothing wrong with adoption, and for some people it can be a great thing. Suggesting it to someone posting about struggling to deal with infertility is patronising and redundant, especially when you’ve got a child already.

Does your husband know how much you’re hurting? It’s a very hard topic to talk about and counselling can help.

Caesargeezer · 21/12/2020 17:53

I’m sure the pp mentioning adoption has the best of intentions, but it really was the most annoying and patronising thing people said to me when I was ttc. It isn’t the same thing as having your own child, and whilst it may be the answer for some it certainly isn’t for all. And of course she has thought of it!

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