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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about our kids Christmas presents

43 replies

soopedup · 21/12/2020 04:30

My DH has brought our kids a load of Christmas presents without talking to me about it first. Is that normal? He announced last night a list of things he’s purchased and has had for ages. I’ve brought things for the kids after chatting to him about it and he’s then gone and just brought extra off his own bat and without bothering to talk about it or even say what he’s got until I pushed the subject of kids Christmas gifts.

AIBU in thinking this is a bit strange? Don’t married couples normally sit down and sort that stuff out together?

OP posts:
Dinosauraddict · 21/12/2020 04:36

Weird that you didn't discuss it, but on MN you hear of so many DHs who don't do any of the Christmas shopping or take any of the mental load, I'd see the positives in him being proactive and helping with this...

Aprilx · 21/12/2020 04:38

Doesn’t seem that strange to me, assuming it is stocking fillers not main presents anyway.

TaccyToo · 21/12/2020 04:39

I don't know. Thinking about it, I buy lots of gifts for the kids when I'm out and about and spot things I think they'll like. I don't discuss every one with DH. We agree on the 'big one' but smaller bits I tend to just get myself when I see things, I don't plan them really 🤷

Original poster
soopedup · 21/12/2020 04:39

It’s not stocking fillers. It’s main present type money spent. Big gifts.

OP posts:
VetiverAndLavender · 21/12/2020 04:58

I agree that parents should coordinate their efforts. Large gifts should be discussed so you don't duplicate gifts or exceed the budget by an insane margin.

PearlescentIridescent · 21/12/2020 05:00

When you say pushed to discuss it, what does that mean?

DP would glady do gift buying as he's good at him but I absolutely love planning it, have my own lists and formulas and prefer to do it myself and ask for suggestions, then share what I'm planning on buying.

Seems a bit strange to not share together what you've bought or to buy without saying anything!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 21/12/2020 05:04

Weve discussed the 'main gift'. Some of the smaller stuff we discuss (such as 'would DD like this watch or that watch' or 'have you bought XXX for DD2, yet, I've seen this' Stocking stuff, we just buy and DH gives the bits to me to go in the bag if he has picked stuff up.

TaccyToo · 21/12/2020 05:08

@soopedup

It’s not stocking fillers. It’s main present type money spent. Big gifts.
In that case YANBU. I'd expect to know even for just the budget side of things. I'd be annoyed if DH went out and spent a load of money we hadn't agreed on.
Ponoka7 · 21/12/2020 05:29

It's definitely odd that he hasn't at least came home and told you what he's bought. My DH would pass through our town centre coming from work and pick bits up, but he'd always show me the stuff when our DD went to bed.

Unless you are really controlling, this isn't normal behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2020 05:38

Does he usually discuss it with you?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 21/12/2020 05:43

I was about to say it is odd but then I do all the shopping so my DH hasn't got a clue what the kids have got so maybe not. He had suggested about 2 items but has since forgotten what they are. I don't keep secrets though, I tell him in conversation what some of it is although he doesnt retain that information and I definitely don't tell him every item.

He did buy DD a book for no reason last month, despite her birthday being near Christmas and me struggling to think of ideas. Of course I'd already bought the same one Hmm. I keep a list to ensure they get the same value so random purchases of big items he hadn't mentioned would annoy me. Are we talking a games console and accessories he wants for himself and has bought by proxy?

Frostythesnowman29 · 21/12/2020 05:46

In our house I sort it all 🤣 I guess it’s good he has done something but yeah I’d be a little annoyed not knowing what he’s bought for them. He could have told you!

whichminoguesister · 21/12/2020 06:16

It's weird he didn't mention it and that he had to be pushed to tell you. What's he done other years?

Washimal · 21/12/2020 06:26

It's odd that he hasn't mentioned it. Is money a bone of contention in your relationship? Could he have been worried that there would be a disagreement about how much to spend so has taken matters into his own hands? Not saying that's right at all! The secrecy is just weird unless there's a backstory.

MysweetAudrina · 21/12/2020 06:32

My dh has no idea of half the stuff I have bought the kids. He bought their main present and probably a bits that he hasn't mentioned to me and I have bought them a shit tonne of stuff too. We will see what the other has bought on Xmas eve when we sort and wrap them.

Chocolate4me · 21/12/2020 06:55

If money is tight then yes it should have been pre-planned, but if not then I think it's lovely. My oh doesn't know what I buy, he pays, I shop and wrap

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 21/12/2020 06:57

It's a bit strange that he won't discuss it with you . Last year I did all the Christmas toy shopping but this year we both raided the toy shop together in September .

BethlehemIsInTier1 · 21/12/2020 07:04

They are his kids too so why does he need to discuss it? Be thankful your DC are fortunate enough to be receiving presents this year, seriously.

QuantumJump · 21/12/2020 07:07

Are you cross about the amount of money he's spent? If he's gone over budget or he's bought items that you think are unsuitable (games console etc) then YANBU. But if neither of those things then I don't see a problem. DH and I have a general discussion about presents but don't consult about every single item.

DisneyMillie · 21/12/2020 07:13

If money’s tight I understand the annoyance otherwise I think it’s nice he’s shopped for them.

My dad always buys me something lovely from him that my mum doesn’t know about - it’s my most looked forward to present!

And I’d imagine my dh has no clue what “we’ve” got the kids.

PurplePansy05 · 21/12/2020 07:17

*Bought not brought. Pet hate, sorry.

You need to sit down and calmly discuss with him why he decided to buy on his own, maybe there was no bad intention there at all, but he just didn't think it through. Either way, it's a nice place to be in with many gufts awaiting your children, especially this year. I'm sure you'll agree what to do next year.

AlwaysCheddar · 21/12/2020 07:19

Strange. Have you asked why he did it?

Foghead · 21/12/2020 07:21

Dh has just told me that he’s bought some things for dcs that I had no clue about. It’s sport related stuff so I wouldn’t have thought about it. I think it’s nice that he thought of it and I don’t think he had to discuss it with me first.

speakout · 21/12/2020 07:24

Is money an issue?

I have always been the one to do christmas shopping for our children- most of the time my OH won;t even know what I have bought, it's a surprise for him on christmas day too. I don;t see the problem.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 21/12/2020 07:26

I don’t discuss every present I buy for DDs with DH. We talk about the main present and I’ll show him anything I’ve bought that I really like (this year it was a search and find book with DD1 in it to find).

I don’t feel the need for big discussions over every present. I often buy things when I see them rather than go out to specifically pick something up. DH does the same. I buy more for DDs because I shop more.