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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend and NYE Plans

61 replies

Cameleongirl · 20/12/2020 21:32

My friend has put me on the spot re. NYE and I need some advice on how to handle this diplomatically without being unkind.
I’m not in the U.K. so under different rules about households mixing. We’re still supposed to be careful though and most people I know are planning a night at home, probably play a board game, Zoom with a few people and have a laugh.

Now a friend’s phoned me and said that her DC might be at her ex’s ( although her eldest may refuse to go) and what about getting together on NYE? The problem is that my teenagers
don’t like her and will be upset if she cones over. DH gets along with her and I don’t want to be unkind...I don’t think she realizes that my children don’t like her as they’re always polite! The worst scenario will be if her eldest does go to her Dad’s and she’s on her own- being on my own wouldn’t bother me personally, but I think she’ll be upset and I’d feel awful too.

What should I do, wise ones?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cameleongirl · 21/12/2020 00:15

Good point, @GlowingOrb, I hadn’t really thought about masks on all evening, that would be grim. Shows how much socialising we’ve done lately!

I know I’m dithering, her suggestion was so unexpected given that no one is getting together this year. Anyway, I feel better about it now. It’s not a good idea and it’s not happening.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/12/2020 01:20

Not to sound like a Victorian governess but my mind is boggled at the idea of a mum taking into account her teenage children’s dislike of a friend she wants to invite round.

Really? Your mind is ‘boggled’ that a mom might not want to force her children into spending the night with someone they can’t stand?

You are going to let your friend who you really care about spend NYE alone because your children arent massive fans? Come on...

Maybe she really cares about her children too? You know, given the whole carrying them for nine months, spending hours pushing them out of her birth canal and then raising them thing?

empiricallyyours · 21/12/2020 05:43

Tell her you'll zoom her for an hour over a glass of wine. Don't have her over. Covid innit?!!

TaccyToo · 21/12/2020 05:51

It sounds like you don't want her over either OP, never mind your children.

I don't think it's bossy to suggest something though. If you don't want to, say no.

TW2013 · 21/12/2020 06:07

Would you rather make her unhappy or your dc? We always make a big thing of NYE so would only have someone over who everyone is comfortable with. Could you offer a coffee and walk just you and her either on NYE or NYD during the afternoon?

MaMaD1990 · 21/12/2020 06:14

If you don't want her over maybe just say your planning on having a really quiet one and an early night/not really celebrating. If you wouldn't mind her being over it might be an idea to explain to your kids that its one night and she'll be on her own, try to get them to see it as doing something nice for someone else

Thehop · 21/12/2020 06:14

“Oh no, I wish I’d known before. We’ve actually planned a quiet family night and we’re all really looking forward to it.”

bebarkered · 21/12/2020 06:18

Tell her you've decided to have no one over this NYE, but, that she can come over another time

jelly79 · 21/12/2020 06:20

How do you make plans without someone making a suggestion? Absolutely not bossy!

Just reply 'ah we are not making plans for NY but we can catch up soon' done :)

whiteroseredrose · 21/12/2020 06:33

How do you make plans without someone making a suggestion?

You invite someone over to yours. You don't invite yourself to someone else's house. You wait for an invitation.

That way it is less awkward for the other person.

So if she had asked 'would you like to come to mine for NYE?' OP could have answered 'Thank you, really kind but we're having a family one'. And then have the choice to invite her back or not.

By inviting herself she's put OP on the spot.

ReefTeeth · 21/12/2020 06:40

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Not to sound like a Victorian governess but my mind is boggled at the idea of a mum taking into account her teenage children’s dislike of a friend she wants to invite round.

Really? Your mind is ‘boggled’ that a mom might not want to force her children into spending the night with someone they can’t stand?

You are going to let your friend who you really care about spend NYE alone because your children arent massive fans? Come on...

Maybe she really cares about her children too? You know, given the whole carrying them for nine months, spending hours pushing them out of her birth canal and then raising them thing?

Great reply 👏

You'd really put your friend before you're own DC who tbf sound like they have a valid reason not to like her 🤨

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2020 06:57

@StillCoughingandLaughing - not everyone runs their whole life around the wants of their children! One day the children will move on, and the friends who were pushed aside for "what the children want" will have moved on themselves and won't come back.

CrotchBurn · 21/12/2020 07:09

Wow no wonder kids in the UK seem so spoilt. Deciding what friends come to your house based on some vague notion of the darling children finding them bossy 😂

Alexindiamondarmour · 21/12/2020 07:21

That’s not really spoiled though is it? It’s actually just being treated like a human who lives in that house Confused

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 21/12/2020 08:03

I don't think she's being bossy, it's not like she's demanded it. It's just her suggesting that you guys spend NYE together. I'm sure she expects you to decline if it's not convenient.

LadyLazaruss · 21/12/2020 08:08

How is making a suggestion 'bossy'?

Nottherealslimshady · 21/12/2020 08:23

Not inviting someone to a celebration with your family because they're not nice to your kids isn't pandering to spoilt kids. It's just respecting the feelings of your family. I'd expect DH not to invite someone to our house that bossed me around.
Only OP knows whether the kids feelings are warranted and she seems to think they are. Some adults love to throw their weight around with other peoples kids.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/12/2020 08:38

@StillCoughingandLaughing - not everyone runs their whole life around the wants of their children! One day the children will move on, and the friends who were pushed aside for "what the children want" will have moved on themselves and won't come back.

I wasn’t suggesting running her whole life around her children; I was suggesting not actively pushing her children to spend time with someone they dislike. It’s no different to having two friends who dislike one another - you don’t have to drop one friend, but you wouldn’t invite them both out to dinner on the same night.

nosswith · 21/12/2020 08:39

OP you have made what I think is a sensible decision.

namechangeforfriday · 21/12/2020 08:48

Hardly ‘bossy’ to make a suggestion of getting together... but just say no, you’ve decided not to mix with anyone. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything particularly horrifying to the children though apart from some minor disagreements? Not a reason to let them dictate whether she can visit or not.

MichelleScarn · 21/12/2020 08:59

[quote eaglejulesk]@StillCoughingandLaughing - not everyone runs their whole life around the wants of their children! One day the children will move on, and the friends who were pushed aside for "what the children want" will have moved on themselves and won't come back.[/quote]
So because the kids don't like this friend and us asking for them not to come then the op will have no friends ever again?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 21/12/2020 10:29

Not a reason to let them dictate whether she can visit or not.

It’s hardly ‘dictating’. The OP’s children just don’t particularly want to spend NYE with someone they dislike. They’re not saying ‘It’s her or us - tell this harpy to never darken our door again’. I don’t remember spending much or any time with my mother’s friends when I was a teenager - the friendships survived somehow.

Fedup21 · 21/12/2020 10:36

The turning point for my children was when we went on a mini-break together last year ( just the Mums and our children). She was pretty difficult and had to have everything her way-my children haven’t liked her since

If that is a fair description of spending an extended period with her, then I’m 100% with your children.

upsidedownwavylegs · 21/12/2020 11:04

@StillCoughingandLaughing

Not to sound like a Victorian governess but my mind is boggled at the idea of a mum taking into account her teenage children’s dislike of a friend she wants to invite round.

Really? Your mind is ‘boggled’ that a mom might not want to force her children into spending the night with someone they can’t stand?

You are going to let your friend who you really care about spend NYE alone because your children arent massive fans? Come on...

Maybe she really cares about her children too? You know, given the whole carrying them for nine months, spending hours pushing them out of her birth canal and then raising them thing?

Well, it’s not really relevant here because OP doesn’t sound keen on her either. But yeah, in general, I would find it really strange for a parent to make social plans on that basis. My mum would have had a pretty lonely few decades if she had taken into account which of her friends me and my siblings found to be pains in the arse when choosing who to hang out with. Not that she was asking for our opinions, and nor should she have.
Barmyfarmy · 21/12/2020 11:05

Could you invite her round for NYE afternoon for a bit and then say you're having family around for NYE night? It would get her out of the house but keep it limited to a few hours. Or flat out say no and prioritise your children having a lovely carefree NYE

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