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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull up DH on his attitude?

71 replies

ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 20:12

I woke him at 6pm (after a night shift) to a lovely roast dinner, he was underwhelmed and complained there was too much mash on the plate.

After eating half of his food he sits watching the football on his phone ignoring me and our 2 DC.

I ask him to change one of our DC's nappy whilst I did the other.

A few minutes later he complains that his back is hurting so I suggested I run him a bath and put some epsam salts in it. He replies "nah, when do i ever get to relax?"

I ask what he's insinuating and he quickly backtracked saying he meant that the kids will be at the bathroom door disturbing him (much like is the case whenever I get a bath myself!)

He then decides to go and do the dishes in stony silence. He never does the dishes of an evening so he's clearly playing the martyr.

Would you say anything to him or not?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/12/2020 21:01

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

What is wrong with mashed potato with a roast? Mashed potato with gravy is the best. All the better with a roast alongside!
There's nothing wrong with it, just like there's nothing wrong with yorkie puddings with meat other than beef. For some strange reason people follow a weird rule about how to have a meal on here and then that's all that stands out enough for them to derail away from the point of the post.

It's really really weird

MrsLebowski · 20/12/2020 21:05

Is he often like this? I'd make a few allowances for him being tired if he only acts this way occasionally but if it is a regular occurance or he starts acting this way more often then yes, tell him you won't have it.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 20/12/2020 21:06

@gamerchick

I didnt know about the yorkshire pudding rule! I dont really like roast beef so I only have them with roast chicken! They taste good with roast chicken!

user1493413286 · 20/12/2020 21:08

I would leave him to his grumpiness but I agree with you; my DH will occasionally say something about it being his time off work but I then ask him when I get time off as I’m at home with the kids all the time. Any time I have a bath my 3 year old gets in too and I don’t get to fully wake up in the morning before having to do nappy changes, bottles, negotiate with my 3 year old about any number of things

Clockstop · 20/12/2020 21:08

He doesn't like roast potatoes!? LTB!

Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 21:09

Is mash on a roast dinner the edible equivalent of somebody buying you bayliss and harding?

Mumsnet can be a strange place Grin

On a serious note I appreciate his work pattern is exhausting, I have never doubted it. That is precisely why I do 90% of the cooking and housework and never grumble.

That's not to say I'm not permanently exhausted either, i look after a one year old and a three year old single handedly 5 days of the week and I have a part time job too.

It's very rare that he ever has the sole responsibility of looking after the children on his own as my mother has them when I work.

I don't think expecting him to change a few nappies or put the bins out is too much to ask for during his time off, especially as I have those duties myself on a daily basis regardless of how much sleep I've had or if I'm working.

Oddly enough I manage to do all of the above without being passive aggressive with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 21:09

He doesn't do this too frequently but it's at least twice a month or so.

OP posts:
BendyLikeBeckham · 20/12/2020 21:21

OP, this is a depressingly familiar story on MN. It gives me the rage every time I come across it. Men moaning about 'me time' when women get on with doing EVERYTHING to run the home, raise the children, feed the family, and often contribute towards income too. Being a parent is a 24 hour job. Why can't some men recognise that and stop thinking they can be part time parents when it suits them because WOMEN pick up all their slack? And then they add to the burden with all their demands too. Does he complain he doesn't get enough sex too, when you collapse into bed exhausted from holding everything together and seeing to everyone else's needs?

Sheesh.

And I'm appalled at the Stepped Wives on this thread too. Tea and toast? Should OP offer him a massage too while she is at it? ffs

BendyLikeBeckham · 20/12/2020 21:22

Stepped? bloody autocorrect. Stepford.

Even my phone can't bring itself to accept that concept. Grin

QueenoftheFarts · 20/12/2020 21:23

My husband worked night shifts for about 20 years and it is appalling for mental health. It definitely turned him into an arsehole and he can see it now he has stopped the night work. Pull your husband up on his behaviour, but also consider whether his MH is on a dip.

Amijustagrump · 20/12/2020 21:26

DP is always a stroppy git after a night shift, just ignore him! Its taken me a few years but now I just say the next day that he was unreasonable and tiredness is not my fault.

Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 21:27

Does he complain he doesn't get enough sex too, when you collapse into bed exhausted from holding everything together and seeing to everyone else's needs?

Oh you bet he does, although instead of outright moaning he just acts deflated which is the same thing in my book.

He has fallen asleep on the sofa now which means the things he was supposed to do tonight won't get done:

Wrapping Christmas presents for not only our two but his older three too.

He also promised to get up the ladder and put the ceiling decorations up for the kids.

This also indicates that putting the children to bed will be my job again, they've been going to bed between 9.15 and 9.30 recently. No judgement on that front please, I fare better when they don't have me up at 5.30am so this works for me.

As I said I appreciate he is tired and the rest of it but life doesn't stop moving, things still need to be done and I already do more than my fair share.

If he wakes from his second sleep at 12-1am you can guarantee he'll find the energy to go on his computer for a few hours.

OP posts:
MrsLebowski · 20/12/2020 21:27

My dh used to do nights it does take it out of you and he was a grumpy arse plus I think it affected his health so I really think it's worth looking at if he could change jobs in the long term. It's no excuse for acting like a little bitch all the time though. Get him told OP.

PoppyOppy · 20/12/2020 21:28

Mash with a roast is a thing here! Lovely mashed tates with roasties. Perfect!

CoronaIsADick · 20/12/2020 21:29

Only here to say mash on a roast in the best. That and Yorkshires 🐷
Those who haven't had it are seriously missing out...I'd be interested to know where everyone is from for those who are for or against it. I'm wondering if it's a North/South divide thing.

Sorry to go completely off topic 😂

MrsLebowski · 20/12/2020 21:32

I always have roast potatoes but for Christmas we have roast and mash. I'm in the S.E.

Becles · 20/12/2020 21:32

Leave him to spend quality time with the kids and head for a bath yourself. Moisturise and sit in bed with book and drink of your choice.

gamerchick · 20/12/2020 21:38

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@gamerchick

I didnt know about the yorkshire pudding rule! I dont really like roast beef so I only have them with roast chicken! They taste good with roast chicken![/quote]
I know ! Anything with gravy and you're good imo Grin

Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 21:53

He chooses to work nights, much like the mash potato it's his preference.

He was made redundant last year and chose to pursue another job where he'd be working nights.

He doesn't have to do it, not on my watch, infact I would prefer he did days so I had more help with the children.

I have long suspected that the reason he prefers night work is that it gets him out of doing much slog at home.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 20/12/2020 21:54

How many night shifts had he done? After 4 in a row I found it very difficult to function in the day time. That's not to say he wasn't rude but I'd maybe bring it up when he is less tired if that is indeed the case?

Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 21:54

Oh and I'm from the north (for the PP wondering whether mash on roasts is a regional thing)

OP posts:
Anydreamwilldo12 · 20/12/2020 21:58

He's lazy, simple as that. Totally unfair on you.

nancybotwinbloom · 20/12/2020 22:00

I'm like this.but.

My DH has a lot of faults but this isn't one of his.

Because he's an adult and he realises that housework has to get done. Regardless of who does it when. We both work full time and if I was at home full time I'd prob do it all but that wouldn't include weekends. That would be shared.

Don't get me wrong sometimes I have to tell him which makes me see my arse (mental load) but we came into our relationship as equals.

Neither of us take the piss because as then end of the day someone has to take on the job what needs doing at that time.

Original poster
ItsBgin · 20/12/2020 22:04

He works Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights (Sunday, Monday and Wednesday nights off)

However he has volunteered for over time this week meaning he's sacrificing tomorrow and Wednesday, purely his choice to do so. We don't need the extra money.

He then has 5 days off over Christmas which is great but I will guarantee the things that need doing at home before Christmas won't be done now, citing tiredness from working.

He's awake again and has just asked me if I'm ok, I've told him straight that I'm slightly pissed off with his earlier comments and reminded him that I don't get any "time to relax" myself and it's an insult to imply that I do.

OP posts:
Jenstar123 · 20/12/2020 22:04

So your both tired and a bit fed up....it’s exhausting working nights and exhausting looking after DC whilst maintaining a house. Why not have a conversation about how you can work as a team more and help support each other instead of complaining about who does more or less.

I also think mash on a roast is fine Wink