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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have family at mum's funeral

26 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 20/12/2020 16:47

Just me, my daughter's, my SIL and DP.

Her family did nothing for her . Its complicated and theres backstory aplenty.

Her only sister is overseas and they had a fued to rival any soap opera. Fuelled by my mums poor mental health and vindictive nature- she is far from without redress.

That doesnt change the fact that i struggled for two years (if not more) with mums deteriorating health with zero support other than my DP. Not once did anyone ask after her or go to see her.

Now im being asked when the funeral is?? I just want to tell them all to fuck off. Furthermore, mum expressed during her down times that she didn't want them there.

Her neighbours looked out for her more than her family did. I would rather they were there.

Am i being petty?? Is that what mum would really have wanted.

I want a religeous ceremony, although mum was not religeous particularly. It feels wrong not to at least do this for her. But what for ?

Im so conflicted, it will im sure have ramifications but last week my mum was alive, where were the enquiries after her health??

There are cousins who might have been there under non covid circumstances but it would seem inappropriate to have them really but tgey did no wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 20/12/2020 16:47

Sil = son in law

OP posts:
Leaannb · 20/12/2020 16:58

If your mom wasn't religious ot would be disrespectful to have a religious ceremony. As far as traveling goes then no one should travel for it

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2020 17:01

Nobody should be travelling. You can tell them she said they weren’t to come-I wouldn’t hesitate to do so and we did for my mil’s recent funeral.

However, the religious thing is going against her wishes too. I would not do that to my mum.

OrigamiOwl · 20/12/2020 17:03

Are the family going to be able to travel for it anyway at the moment?

Also if you're mum isn't religious then having a religious service does seem unreasonable.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

MsSquiz · 20/12/2020 17:04

I wouldn't have a religious funeral service for someone who wasn't religious. It would be quite selfish of the organiser to make it about their wishes.
We had a humanist service for my DM rather than religious

I would suggest just not telling the family when the funeral is. No one should be travelling to attend anyway

Kinneddar · 20/12/2020 17:05

The OP hasn't said her Mum didn't want a religious service just that she wasn't particularly religious. Unless she was totally against it I cant see the harm in it

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/12/2020 17:06

OP I remembered your threads
I’m sorry Flowers
Hopefully
Tier 4 is your friend here
And not answering messages and texts
Grief and the aftermath is always shitty

Waveysnail · 20/12/2020 17:06

You don't have to invite family. If you want a religious service then have one. Funerals are about the living not the dead.

picklemewalnuts · 20/12/2020 17:06

I wouldn't say it's unreasonable to have a religious service if that would comfort you. Your preferences matter too. However, make sure the celebrant knows your mum wasn't religious- they can be really sensitive as long as they understand the situation.

My grandfather's funeral was not sensitive- it assumed he was religious. Not at all comfortable.

And not unreasonable to have only the people there you want. However, bear in mind people you don't like, people who have behaved badly, they grieve too. They may be grieving the relationship they'd have like to have had.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 20/12/2020 17:07

The PPs who are saying nobody should travel for it, presumably you mean nobody should travel from overseas? Surely travelling within the UK is fine, and I think would be one of the permitted reasons for travel in tier 4.

That said, if she wouldn't have wanted certain people there, then don't invite then.

katy1213 · 20/12/2020 17:09

You're the next of kin so just organise whatever suits you and inform others after the event; you can always blame COVID.
Maybe a humanist ceremony would be more appropriate if your mum wasn't religious but you feel the need for some rite of passage?

amicissimma · 20/12/2020 17:12

I think it's reasonable to expect people not to travel at the moment regardless of why you don't want them to come.

But I would say that the funeral is not for the dead but for the living, to help process the loss of the person and all the surrounding feelings. So I think that if you feel you would like a religious ceremony you should do that.

I don't know about other religions but I know that vicars are used to people who are unsure/ambivalent/even hostile to christianity feeling that they want a church funeral. Can you maybe chat to the person who would be taking it to help settle your mind?

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Canwecancel2020 · 20/12/2020 17:12

I had a relative who told everyone to save their money and just dig a hole and Chuck him in. The funeral is as much about the family saying goodbye as it is about the dead person, particularly as in this case their spouse was a believer and in need of comfort. They did have a vicar but short crem service only. Charity donations instead of flowers. You still want to give them a respectable send off whatever they may have said.

I would think under current circs it’s reasonable to say not to travel to the service, depending on venue, numbers may be very limited anyway. Maybe offering a celebration of life/scattering of ashes when covid over might pacify them?

nosswith · 20/12/2020 17:12

It is awful that it has come to this and sorry to read of your loss. Whatever funeral you have, there will be restrictions on numbers and I think her neighbours should be there as some of the few to attend.

Porcupineinwaiting · 20/12/2020 17:13

Funerals are for the living. You're next of kin so you decide what you want.

Canwecancel2020 · 20/12/2020 17:17

And to be fair, I drove quite a long way to a funeral during lockdown (on my own) and it was stressful not even really being allowed to go indoors anywhere except a service station and 15mins in a (socially distanced) crematorium, no lingering outside, no chatting or hugging. It will be nothing like a normal funeral for them.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 20/12/2020 17:20

But I would say that the funeral is not for the dead but for the living, to help process the loss of the person and all the surrounding feelings. So I think that if you feel you would like a religious ceremony you should do that.

I would agree with this. My dad wasn't overly religious though did come to church with me when I visited. I organised a Christian funeral for him a couple of weeks ago. A non religious ceremony really wouldn't have felt right to me or my sibling.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

Bargebill19 · 20/12/2020 17:22

Do what’s right for you. You can blame covid/Boris/tiers. Funerals can be streamed online.
Sorry you are going through this. 💐

BlueCheckedTeatowel · 20/12/2020 17:58

your mum wasnt religious and didnt want her family there.

so you have a non religious ceremony with no family. its her day and the last thing you can do for her.

if you dont feel able to say this to people then blame covid.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 20/12/2020 18:06

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you have an Independent Celebrant you can mix secular and religious elements as much as you like to get a ceremony that suits both you and your Mum.

HazeyJaneII · 20/12/2020 18:33

When my mum died in June, I had a ceremony with just me. Dh and the children sat outside in the car. I emailed everyone and said how it would be, due to the circumstances. I asked everyone to raise a cup of tea to my mum at the time of the funeral.
I think you have to go with what you can handle - if a religious ceremony is important to you (as long as your mum wasn't against it), then go with that.
It's really hard at the best of times, these are not the best of times, so be kind to yourself.
So sorry for your loss Flowers

BrumBoo · 20/12/2020 18:39

@TheoriginalLEM, firstly my deepest sympathy. I've recognised your username over the years, and known the struggles you've faced in regards to your mum. This must be such a difficult time for you.

As for the funeral, keep it your your mum's wishes. If she wasn't religious then respect that. If she wanted a small ceremony (and for certain people not to be involved) do that. Dont over think it, I know you'll have a lot of healing to do in the months to come. Focus on the closure you need, everything else will fall in place.

bettxmascake · 20/12/2020 18:44

The funeral is for you as her next of kin, what you want to do is what you should do Thanks

saraclara · 20/12/2020 18:49

"Dear family. Due to Covid, the funeral needs to be kept to her children and their partners. Maybe you could arrange a small memorial event of your own?"

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/12/2020 19:46

However, bear in mind people you don't like, people who have behaved badly, they grieve too. They may be grieving the relationship they'd have like to have had

This is also true . Now you
Just do as you feel best
But acknowledging this to them might make it an easier discussion

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