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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult gifting amongst work colleagues

34 replies

Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 08:38

I have NC for this because I know I am being an utter ungrateful bitch, but I still want to get this off my chest.

I work in education, not a teacher, within a support team. Every year I want to suggest we do secret santa but I never really dare. And every year I receive bits and pieces as gifts that are so bloody awful, I don't even have the nerve to re-gift them. Then I feel under the obligation of giving them a gift back, but because I really find it way too embarrassing to give shit, I end up spending money and resenting it. Or buying nothing and feeling embarrassed.

This year we've all been so busy and it's been so manic, I really hoped people would not have time for all this nonsensical gifting. But no, instead, I have been given elaborately wrapped gifts to include:

a candle (nothing fancy, the Glade one from wilko's £2), another candle with a star shape, broken up from some multipack, a little mirror in a pouch, some other candle, clearly regifted as packaging dirty and battered...

I don't want anything, I really really don't. Nothing would be absolutely preferable to receiving all this wasteful nonsense that it's not even good enough to keep for next year's school tombola. I brought the staff home and my 11 year old DD wasn't interested in any of it.

Now I feel like I need to boy them all a plant or something, but honestly I resent feeling this way and I truly don't want to spend the money. I am 49 years old by the way, and the ages within the team range from early thirties to mid 60s.

Okay give it to me:

YANBU - adults at work should not be gifting each other total wasteful nonsense that creates obligation
YABU - you're ungrateful and miserable

OP posts:
NotOfThisWorld · 20/12/2020 08:41

YANBU that's the worst kind of wasteful junk. Could you bring in a nice box of chocolates for everyone to share instead? Or next year definitely suggest secret santa.

CherryPavlova · 20/12/2020 08:41

I always believe gifts are given because the person giving wants to do so. I would either find the grit to suggest secret Santa or just not give anything back but a card. Over time you’ll probably get less tat.
If there is someone I was close too I’d buy something thoughtful. As a manager I buy for my team with no expectations of anything in return.

Tumbleweed101 · 20/12/2020 08:43

Definitely suggest secret Santa. Means everyone gets something and there’s a budget to work within.

I get secret Santa and exchange a real gift with a colleague I’m friends with outside of work too but that’s all.

DailyPotion · 20/12/2020 08:43

I have the same situation, although people do try to get something nice, but the best I can hope for is chocs I can pass on or give to the kids, simple because people are buying so many small gifts.

This year I did Bee Bombs. C. £5 if you buy in bulk and whether they like them or not, I feel I've done a bit of good.

ChristmasTreeFairy5000 · 20/12/2020 08:44

Go poundland if its still open and buy everyone a Toblerone. Job done.

FairyontopofthetreeBatman · 20/12/2020 08:44

Why don’t you dare suggest secret Santa? It’s still wasteful but at least the waste is reduced and the opening can be fun.

The trick is to suggest it early and ask people if they want to go cheap and funny or spend a little more and go more thoughtful.

dentydown · 20/12/2020 08:44

No you are not ungrateful. I hate presents. I give my son some money to get me some presents from his siblings (he makes a profit, but doesn’t know I know), but that sort of thing from adults isn’t really that great.

Kitkatandcoffee · 20/12/2020 08:45

In my workplace we do secret Santa. We ask who would like to participate so people can say no. We have a limit of £15 spend. It works out great. Not having to buy loads of little gifts. Suggest it next year.!!

Skipsurvey · 20/12/2020 08:48

definitely definitely talk about secret santa, i dont know why it hasnt been mentioned before op.
from your description it feels like they are palming off their unwanted gifts

WeeDangerousSpike · 20/12/2020 08:49

I'd be irritated and feel obligated too. Can you give them all a chocolate bunny or something equally cheap and requiring zero headspace?

And I'd suggest secret santa, what's the worst that can happen

Skipsurvey · 20/12/2020 08:50

we do secret santa to the value of £5

cologne4711 · 20/12/2020 08:53

Secret Santa can lead to "joke" tat too if the limit is too low. I think it needs to be £10 minimum so you can get something reasonably decent.

We had Secret Santa at work this year and whoever bought for me went way over the price limit, I felt quite bad. I did get something that I can actually use, though, and not some tat that I immediately pass on to the charity shop, or more likely, dump altogether.

Mycircusmymonkey · 20/12/2020 08:53

I understand. I have a friend who gifts quite frankly the worst presents. I’d be thrilled with a £1 toblerone bar instead. I can’t even tell myself well she probably bought it thinking it was a nice gift. Mostly receive shit smelling Christmas candles bought in last years January sales (stickers usually still on), or gin flavoured marmalade 🤮.
I know she goes out in the January sales and completes all her Christmas shopping for the next year just scooping up whatever is at rock bottom prices. Please for the love of god give me a toblerone!

Original poster
Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 08:54

I thought I'd be slated but I see a lot of people feel similarly!

I don't even want to do the individual chocolate thing because it perpetuates the nonsense of me receiving utter shite that I have to be grateful for. Amongst the presents there's also an Accessorize necklace from 10 seasons ago that no one of any ages would wear. It's just so embarrassing!

If I'm still there next year I'll suggest secret Santa around November time. The reason I haven't so far is because most of the team have been there for donkies years, longer than I have, and it just feels like the suggestion should come from someone else.

OP posts:
LadyPlasters · 20/12/2020 08:57

At my work we usually do charity shop secret santa. Spend £5 in a charity shop on a jokey gift for someone, we all have a laugh opening and if people don't like what they have, it goes back to the charity shop. Win win all round!
We usually do this with all the adults in my family but we spend £10 per person and it has be clothing. We then have a big opening together and each person has to wear the clothing for the rest of the day. It is hilarious! Same premise.... if people don't like the items they go back to the charity shop!

TroysMammy · 20/12/2020 08:58

Everyone has a jar of homemade jam or chutney from produce I've grown or foraged.

I get gifted stuff that I won't use and is not to my taste.
I eat the sweets though. The charity shop benefits in the long run.

PeaceLoveAndCandy · 20/12/2020 09:01

I am with you OP, 100%. I loathe that sort of tat gifting. But I also loathe home made edibles, esp. chutney. Yuk. Secret Santa all the way.

Sproutsarecooking · 20/12/2020 09:02

I just buy edibles up to £5, job done.

TooStressyTooMessy · 20/12/2020 09:04

Definitely secret Santa. We do it at work and it is great! We have a £10 limit and buy nice gifts. Joke stuff ok as long as still nice iyswim.

We did do £5 but found people were just getting tat that they didn’t want. £10 is still much cheaper than we would spend in total having to buy everyone a rubbish gift.

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 20/12/2020 09:06

Sometimes it needs someone ‘new’ to come in and make a different suggestion, especially if they’ve all been there and doing the same thing for years so it’s become accepted. Don’t be afraid to suggest it next year. Everyone will be struggling more for money post Brexit so they will be glad of it.

My team is close-knit, but we would never all go round everyone with gifts. We have a small party each year (not this one though!) with a secret Santa for anyone who wants in. Two colleagues and I are the leadership team and we are all also friends outside work so we exchange individual gifts as friends. I also take a big tin of chocolates in for all the office based staff every year.

Original poster
Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 09:22

There's 10 of us, so even spending £5 each on chocolates feels far to much when I am getting crap back. Even £1 each would feel too much if it means it's perpetuating me receiving crap.

Can we hear from those who have voted YABU please? I genuinely want to hear from you.

I really want to hear from the tat givers too. Do you save tat from one year to the next or buy crap in the Jan sales to gift the following Christmas, and think that the receiver doesn't realise this? And if you think that's a nice thing to do, do you love it when someone gives you tat, or something that was clearly re-gifted, or something so battered that it's clearly been in someone's cupboard for years?

OP posts:
Batmanandbobbin · 20/12/2020 09:28

I work in a school and we do secret Santa suggest it in January, like oh so and so did this at their work why don’t we sounds fun?

On a side note I opt out of doing secret Santa every year because I don’t want anything and don’t want to buy someone something they don’t want. It’s so awkward but at least I can opt out and not feel obliged to get involved. although they think I’m the grinch, when in fact I’m absolutely skint

movpov · 20/12/2020 09:29

Secret Santa can be a bit rubbish too. Last year I was working with a particular team that came together for a specific project, we weren't working together every day so we didn't really know each other well. Someone suggested secret Santa with a £10 limit, it was optional but I said I would join in and names were duly pulled from a hat. I bought a nice gift for my recipient and wrapped it up lovely & put it in the santa bag. When the actual giving out took place I wasn't able to be there so mine was given to someone to pass on to me. When I opened it it was a candle...nice you might think but this candle was in a battered box that had obviously been lying at the back of someone's cupboard for years...plus it was one of those fragrances that's a bit more 'male' orientated like cedar wood or something. I didn't say anything but was quite disappointed that someone in the team thought that was ok to give. I tried to be generous of thought and think maybe someone had run out of money to buy something even though these were well paid people, or , as I preferred to think, they simply forgot until the night before and literally had no time to buy anything. I still don't know who gave me it

Findahouse21 · 20/12/2020 09:34

Our team do secret santa but do it so that it has to benefit someone else. So last year we drew names but it was for a collection for our local Special care baby unit because one if our colleagues had had contact with them that year.

I bought baby books about animals fir jy recipient to donate because she is an animal lover, and I got bought lots of tea bags for the parents because I am a tea head. Then we put it all together and took it to the hospital. No tat and the best part was the notes attached explaining why we had chosen the gifts - some funny and some touching but all very personal

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 20/12/2020 09:37

No need for Secret Santa. Just tell them in plenty of time you won't be giving presents and you'd rather not receive any. A bit late this year, but next year you can mention it in November.