Another Xmas Present Q

[UngratefulDead]

Ok, name changed and bracing myself for my first AIBU

Background
DH and I have been together 20 years. Very good relationship, still lots of sex and intimacy...he is very complimentary and barely a day goes by without him telling me I'm beautiful (I'm not especially!) or noticing a new hairstyle. I'm very lucky-he's not all perfect but these things are relevant!

In the lead up to Christmas, he asked if I wanted anything in particular. I mentioned a few things but said I was happy for him to pick something out I'd like.

We had DD1 in Feb and since the summer have both admitted with lockdown and sleep deprivation, we need to lose some weight (him about a stone and me about 1.5). DH has pushed the idea a few times that I should try cycling as it's a good cardio workout. It's not a hobby of his but suggested I try it. I hate cycling-sore bum, out in public...just hate it. I would rather swim, gym or most any other form of exercise.

I've made this clear to him and agreed I would make an effort to do something...but I hate cycling. But with DD, any time I get to myself I either sleep or just want to catch up on trash tv. I don't have much of an excuse as I do get time to myself but just need motivation, DH has for his part, cut out booze and is doing well.

So this evening DH asked what the time was so I pressed the button to light up his phone and saw a banner confirming an Amazon order for cycling helmet. I then snooped (more fool me!) and have found that my Xmas present is a nice but second hand bike and ALL the kit for serious cycling including garmin cycling watch. None of the bits I asked for, just so much cycling gear.

Absolute 1st world problem (especially with the latest announcements). But I'm gutted. I know DH still finds me attractive (see above) but I also know he wants me to lose weight and this just feels like such a 'get off your arse' present.

So my AIBU. Should I find a way to make him aware pre Xmas that this present would upset me?

YABVU-how ungrateful, suck it up and try it-you might like it
YABU-it's the thought that counts but maybe ask post Xmas if he has the receipts
YANBU-it's a misfire of a present and you should try and mention it before (how?)

Dons hard hat....

Could you mention a phone call from a friend who's dh has got her gym membership/swimming club/anything which he knows she does not like. You agreed with her how awful, you are so lucky that your dh wouldn't dream of giving you something he knows you hate . . . .

YANBU he clearly has this idea in his head of a present but it's not remotely what you want 🤦‍♀️ I think it may be an awkward convo needed before xmas to say you've seen it and it's just not for you

Hmm, I think it'd be worth giving it a go at least. Is he a keen cyclist? I think he's too caught up on the "and agreed I would make an effort to do something"_ part of your conversation.

Seems as though he knows you're lacking in motivation and just wants to get you into something.

YANBU at all.

We should give present so they are enjoyed, not with some kind of ulterior motive.

I’d be really fucked off with him if I were you.

Ignore the weight loss/fitness part.

Imagine you guys talked about having a hobby.

‘Why don’t you try sewing?’
‘Nah, I don’t like sewing. I’ll try something though.’
‘Here’s a sewing machine.’

It’s controlling and thoughtless.

Don't look at it as a get fit present. Once your baby is old enough- over a year - it's a lovely thing to do with them. Pop them in a seat and off you go. My little ones normally slept. You'll make some lovely family memories if hubby comes too.

You don't actually have to use the bike yet.....dark evenings, slippery leaves, rain, wind....a hundred excuses....but give it ago in late spring. You might enjoy it. And if you don't- tell him then. (And don't feel you ever have to wear his gear - obvs the helmet - regular tracksuit bottoms or jeans will be fine.)

@Mumdiva99

Don't look at it as a get fit present. Once your baby is old enough- over a year - it's a lovely thing to do with them. Pop them in a seat and off you go. My little ones normally slept. You'll make some lovely family memories if hubby comes too.

You don't actually have to use the bike yet.....dark evenings, slippery leaves, rain, wind....a hundred excuses....but give it ago in late spring. You might enjoy it. And if you don't- tell him then. (And don't feel you ever have to wear his gear - obvs the helmet - regular tracksuit bottoms or jeans will be fine.)

Only if you want to!

She said she doesn’t like cycling. There are plenty of other ways to make memories doing things you actually enjoy

YANBU at all, especially considering you’ve been clear you have no interest in cycling and have given him a lost so it’s not like he’s stuck for gift ideas.

Thanks all.

Not a unanimous response by any stretch.

To clarify;
-DH is not a keen cyclist (bike in shed unused for a year or so) so it's not about a shared hobby
-It is definitely about me keeping fit as the accessories he's bought are all about exercise and not a genteel bike ride through the park

It is controlling and thoughtless but he's not a controlling person by nature IYSWIM. But he does sometimes get presents he thinks people SHOULD like rather than what they will actually appreciate.

I'd rather try and give him the opportunity to rectify this himself so may try and find a way of letting him know it's wrong without being obvious

A bike was one of the final nails in the coffin of my first marriage. Exh had decided I needed to get slimmer I was a size 8. I already went to the gym, was a daily thing for me, nothing to do with dickhead exh. He announced he was buying me a bike. I told him not to as even at the gym I cant use one due to dicky knees (Ive since been diagnosed with RA). He insisted, I pleaded with him not to,
Christmas day rolls round and hes got the kids all wound up about the fabulous gift he has for mummy hidden in the garage. I flat out refused it, refused to even go look at it. Told the kids that silly daddy bought the wrong thing etc. They were young enough not to be bothered. I never even saw the bike, made him take it back
Of course he told everyone what an evil ungrateful bitch I was over his awesome thoughtful gift. Even brought it up in the divorce.
I actually threw him out about a month later, as I said one of the final nails

I would most definitely buy the thing I wanted. I'd probably take the bike for some me time - could put it in the car and go and listen to an audiobook

Ouch @theoldtrout01876 that's really awful-especially getting the kids wound up!

I don't think we're quite at nails in the coffin yet and I'm putting this one down to I'll thought out at the moment!

@CoRhona wish I could but I'm on maternity leave at the moment and SMP has just run out so I'd need to get DH to transfer me the money to get myself those things I really and trike want.

This isn't an issue as he'll bung me over any money as and when I need it but I'd then be saying I clearly know I'm not getting my naice perfume or baking bits!

I've also just thought that we're with my IL's on Xmas day and we always open all our presents together.

MIL is lovely but is somewhat weight obsessed herself (despite being a slim woman). She's already asked how I'm getting on with ditching the baby weight (not an insensitive question if someone has been taking to you about it being their goal, but now when reaching for a second chocolate eclair as I was at the time)

So ultimate humiliation in front of them to open a gift I don't want, that is geared towards me losing weight and with a gunning DH who will be thinking he's managed to surprise me with a 'thoughtful' gift.

@UngratefulDead

I've also just thought that we're with my IL's on Xmas day and we always open all our presents together.

MIL is lovely but is somewhat weight obsessed herself (despite being a slim woman). She's already asked how I'm getting on with ditching the baby weight (not an insensitive question if someone has been taking to you about it being their goal, but now when reaching for a second chocolate eclair as I was at the time)

So ultimate humiliation in front of them to open a gift I don't want, that is geared towards me losing weight and with a gunning DH who will be thinking he's managed to surprise me with a 'thoughtful' gift.

So many typos. It's been too early

DH will be grinning, not gunning.

Talking not taking

And 'not when you're reaching'..

DD is up too early....

It took me about 20 years to train my husband away from what he thought was useful and thoughtful into presents for a ‘Darling Wife’.

Can’t remember what gift finally brought on the change but I did have to sit him down and spell it out.

I’d bring it up now to avoid gift exchange tension next week- but be prepared to have no gift cos running out of time for him to resell.

@Merryoldgoat

Ignore the weight loss/fitness part.

Imagine you guys talked about having a hobby.

‘Why don’t you try sewing?’
‘Nah, I don’t like sewing. I’ll try something though.’
‘Here’s a sewing machine.’

It’s controlling and thoughtless.

I agree with this.

I'd be really pissed off to be bought something that I had said I didn't enjoy.

I wouldn't worry if he was upset, I would not pretend to like something I didn't from my partner.

Tell him, right I've made a fitness plan for new year and show him the sports. If he says cycling? Say nope, you know I loathe cycling.

Or be straight up. 'Saw bike helmet on banner, worried you're getting me cycling gear as that would be misguided, I hate cycling - sorry'.

I would be raging! Maybe just come in from a walk etc and say you've just seen a couple of people whip past on bikes, you couldn't think of anything worse, why on earth would anyone enjoy that etc etc, really lay it on thick. Say even in the gym you wouldn't cycle never mind in the cold and wet, worst hobby ever, rather watch paint dry and so on. Then if he tries to persuade you make it super clear that no, you will never ever want to try it as you've told him many times before.

Not quite the same but weve just exchanged gifts early with MIL and she bought me a set of new pans (I hate cooking and DH does most of it) and him a bottle of whisky (hes a recovering alcoholic - I love whisky but am heavily pregnant plus breastfeeding so we cant even swap). To his credit (and good sense in seeing my gritted teeth and struggling for words) he gave her the whisky back and said the pans was a lovely gift for us to share as he loves to cook and I love to bake (I hate that too actually but do it a lot with the kids). Now if my actual husband had bought me that as a present hinting I should cook more we would have had real problems!

@cameocat

Tell him, right I've made a fitness plan for new year and show him the sports. If he says cycling? Say nope, you know I loathe cycling.

I would go with this, and next time have an amazon wishlist ready to go, just add the bits as you go. You may need to be a little more blatant in pointing out the no cycling because he might think it is not there because you don't have a bike. You could say 'After that discussion about cycling I thought that although I loathe cycling and have sworn never to go on a bike again, maybe it would be good to get a bit more exercise, so every Tuesday I am going to go for a power walk with Sarah and the pushchairs. I thought I could maybe go swimming on a Wed and Fri if you have the baby because I actually really enjoy swimming, although I could do with a new costume, what do you think of this one...

If he's generally a good man and not just being a twat over this then I'd drop heavy hints so he's left with no doubt that a cycling themed present would not be well received.

It sounds like (what I like to call) a thoughtlessly thoughtful present. He's gone all out in getting you a nice present that not in a million years would you actually want, and he should know you wouldn't want it.

Urgh this is so awkward. I would feel upset if I were you.

You're going to have to bite the bullet OP and be direct. Tell him you saw the banner and really hope he hasnt got you cycling stuff as that's the last thing you'd want.

I really hate getting practical gifts. If I think I need something I get it myself. Gifts should be beautiful indulgences

Not the same i know, but i happen to have caught sight of DH taking delivery of an Instant Pot which can only be for me (helpfully emblazoned all over the packaging). I know he has got it with all good intentions, as i’ve been quite obviously overwhelmed with a just-turned 1 yr old, social isolation and 5 year old to entertain, and have come to heartily dislike meal planning and cooking, but it is such a boring utilitarian thing for a present, added to which i only cook vegetarian and can’t think of anything that would be improved by slow cooking (i see a point in it for meat eaters, although still on a par with being gifted a new iron or carpet cleaner). He is very loving, just crap at gifts and always leaves it until 1 week before xmas/birthdays then has to order from amazon as the only place that will deliver in time. Basically nothing i actually want (as opposed to need for household/kids) comes from amazon. It’s been such a crap year, i really hoped he’d take 10 minutes out of his Very Important Job a few weeks ago to order me something pretty, non-functional, personal, but no such luck. Now i have to smile and say oh, how wonderful, when i unwrap a fucking cooking pot on Christmas Morning.

You know this man well enough to be married to him and to have had a child with him. You know if he will be a duck about this.... Which, if he is half decent he won't be, so just tell him you sae the banner ad and you're now worried he's got you bike stuff and you need to express how much you do not want a bike and do not wish to cycle.

Feel free to sugar coat it "I appreciate the sentiment, know you're just thinking of me" yada yada bullshit if you must... But absolutely tell him that you do not want bike stuff while he still has time to get something else.

Give him a list of a few things that would be down the right path and easy to get if you're feeling generous.