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Original poster

Family saying no to cancelling Christmas

73 replies

1womanarmy · 19/12/2020 19:23

I know this is thread 100 about the new restrictions, but I'm really not sure what to do. We were supposed to visit DH's family (parents and BIL, SIL) from Christmas Eve until the 27th.

Now that new restrictions have been announced nobody wants to cancel, including DH. If I stay home I'll be all alone, and I'll be the miserable Grinch who wants to ruin the holidays.

Even if I stay home, DH will still "bring back" whatever from whomever he has mixed with, so staying home to prove a point also doesn't seem worth it.

I have no family of my own and I'm feeling a lot of pressure. What do I do? We're all in the same county in England. I don't think I can convince DH to stay here.

OP posts:
GetOffYourHighHorse · 19/12/2020 19:59

Yes as others have said just go for the day if in the same county, won't dh agree to that?

bettxmascake · 19/12/2020 20:02

Tell him you can't go because you've got an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

Do you have children? I'd be getting a legal letter written telling him he is not allowed to take the children as it's contravening whatever the new law is.

FuzzyPuffling · 19/12/2020 20:06

Of course he can go to his family for Christmas.

He just can't come back (or at least until he's done a quarantine period somewhere else)

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 19/12/2020 20:07

I'd go for Christmas day only.

If you do go for the day, you'll be mixing with the same people anyway, so it not about the virus or the contact, just sticking to the law. You don't get to decide what he does, but you and any kids can stick to the rules.

funfunfunfunfun · 19/12/2020 20:10

How far are your in-laws from you?

Thewinterofdiscontent · 19/12/2020 20:22

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I don't blame people for not wanting to cancel. The powers that be have left it a,bit late to start changing the rules 6 days before haven't they. I'd say for 1 day just go.
Not a massive surprise given every other mass indoor event though? Think most people would gave thought of a Plan B
tillyandmilly · 19/12/2020 20:27

yep we have just cancelled our yearly xmas trip up North - trying to cancel accommodation and car rental - we are planning to go at Easter fingers crossed.

Nephew now stuck in London he will have to have christmas by himself - very sad :( but we must follow the rules to avoid a full lockdown!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/12/2020 20:28

People are really selfish. And incredibly thick - including the government - to believe the virus won't infect people due to it being Christmas.

My son can understand why we can't see family this year. He's 5. My stepson also understands. He's 4.

OP if you're uncomfortable don't go. Personally I'd relish all that time alone, doing whatever I liked without having to consider anyone else.

emilybev1986 · 19/12/2020 20:29

Follow the government.

See family and friends only.

And wealthy donors.

Frazzled2207 · 19/12/2020 20:35

It’s utterly rubbish but you need to convince your dh why you can’t go, unless it’s for the day only.
None of us like the rules and they greatly inconvenience us all, but it’s just not right that some people’s Christmas is ruined and some people feel free to carry on regardless

YakkityYakYakYak · 19/12/2020 20:36

If you’re all staying in the same house then I don’t see what difference it makes in terms of infection control if you go for 1 day or 4 days. If someone in that house has COVID you’re surely all going to get it either way.

I think you both either agree to go for the 4 days or not at all.

alreadytaken · 19/12/2020 20:36

Told family earlier this month we'd see them when vaccinated.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/12/2020 20:36

I don't blame people for not wanting to cancel. The powers that be have left it a,bit late to start changing the rules 6 days before haven't they. I'd say for 1 day just go. It's a lot more than two hours which is what people got for Eid and Eid is a much more important religious celebration, it's more akin to Easter which the UK was locked down for but those who celebrated knew this would be the case.

Everyone knew rule changes were a risk. The government should never have agreed to relax the rules.

TheCattleGrid · 19/12/2020 20:39

Look. People haven't had time to let this sink in or come to a decision. People are just reacting. Quietly make your point and ask if you can discuss it in 24 hours. Everyone will have had more time to think and to consider your feelings and hopefully a discussion tomorrow can be better.

Frazzlefrazle · 19/12/2020 20:39

OK so its one group of family- if you go for the day and one of you has the virus you will all probably get it so why does the amount of days matter? Its not going to increase the chances of passing it around. You either go for the whole time or not at all (all household members) so as your husband is going i would go too.

CherryPavlova · 19/12/2020 20:41

Part of the trouble is our Prime Minister will undoubtedly leave Downing Street which is tier 4. I believe he has already done so.
He will travel to another tier 4 area to stay at Chequers; I am guessing he won’t be alone there either.

It’s hard, but I suspect a harder restriction will be announced on 22nd for more areas.

Milkshake7489 · 19/12/2020 20:42

How does saying that the OP and her husband have no choice help in this situation?

OP doesn't want to break the rules, her husband does (and people choose to break rules every day).

@1womanarmy As far as I can see Christmas is a red herring.

Covid aside, if your husband makes these kinds of decisions alone then he doesn't respect you and you deserve better.

Good luck

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/12/2020 20:43

It's people being fed up playing by the rules that has us in this mess.

tilder · 19/12/2020 20:43

Would your dh seriously leave you alone for 4 days at Christmas? What an arse. If he puts Christmas and his parents before his wife he is even more of an arse.

Talk to him. Look at the rules. See what you are allowed to do. See if you can come up with a compromise.

He may be more measured by morning.

ellenleaves · 19/12/2020 20:44

We are tier 4 and took the children out of school to isolate. Really disappointed but have cancelled our modest plans. Those going ahead regardless make me feel sick. Including my husband's family.

MrsPernicious · 19/12/2020 20:44

@1womanarmy

Not in tier 4 no. In theory I would everyone to just stay home, or meet on the day. In practice I know none of them will agree. Christmas is holier than thou and they've had enough of playing by the rules I feel.
Have you tried the "What would Jesus do line"?

Good luck, I feel for you. Luckily my family are happy to all keep it small for Christmas. In you situation I would be questioning my relationship.

TragedyHands · 19/12/2020 20:49

We are tier 3 and no way are we changing anything, all mixing with 7 other households between xmas eve and boxing day.
Then one other household on the 27th.
Do your own risk assessment, sometimes you have to do what's right for your family.

We have had a close bereavement and have gained caring responsibilities over xmas, it can't be helped.

dadshere · 19/12/2020 20:49

You are nobody's slave. If you don't feel that you can go, do not go. Equally your DH feels otherwise. Perhaps he is selfish in not considering your wants in this.

PuzzledObserver · 19/12/2020 20:50

That said, logically speaking, even if you stayed within the rules and went for just Christmas Day then you'd be mixing with exactly the same people that you would be if you went for the full 5 days, so I can't see what practical difference it's going to make from an infection control perspective.

That’s just not true.

If you go for one day, keep your distance from everyone and ventilate rooms on a regular basis, the risk of transmission is substantially lower than if you spend five days in the same closed room with lots of hugging and kissing.

Sliding scale, obviously - but the more time you spend with others, the more likely it is that transmission will occur.

inquietant · 19/12/2020 20:51

@Frazzlefrazle

OK so its one group of family- if you go for the day and one of you has the virus you will all probably get it so why does the amount of days matter? Its not going to increase the chances of passing it around. You either go for the whole time or not at all (all household members) so as your husband is going i would go too.
Sorry to be blunt but this is scientifically illiterate.

The more time you spend together

  • the more likely it is someone who is incubating the disease will become infectious while you are together
  • The higher your viral load could be
-The more transmission opportunities there are -The more it spreads around the whole group, from one to the next

It is worrying how little people understand even after nearly a year of this.