Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bloke I like has a girlfriend and I'm heartbroken.

69 replies

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 16:48

Hi all. New comer here and so sorry to post such a gloomy post on what is - here anyway, an equally dreary horrid afternoon, but I do need some words of help.

I'm 50 and have quite recently been separated from my partner and father of my child.

Trying to cut a long story short..In my street there's this bloke who lives a few doors down from me. He's also been single for about a year. I used to be somewhat friendly with his partner. One day though, I saw her outside and she told me that they'd split up and she had moved out. They have a young child also who is adorable. Over the past few months I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to this bloke, he's about 5 years younger than I am. He's tall, very masculine and ruggedly handsome. Over the past 7/8 months he and I have gotten to be good friends. We'd go for walks together, locally. We'd exchange humourous texts, visit each others homes [always with kids]. Take the children out to adventure parks together etc. WE wee never intimate in anyway but I sensed a spark between us. He asked me once when my birthday was, I told him the date and he said that it was two days after his ex's. My birthday came and I didn't get a happy birthday text from him. I was disappointed.

I guess that should have told me all I needed to know, but rather stupidly I'd see him again and get that all over all warm feeling once more. The other day I saw him and he was all smiles and asked me what I was doing for Xmas. That he and his child would be around and we ought to get together and do something. Now although our relationship never consisted of any physical contact. I fell for him. I actually got the distinct feeling that he liked me too, as he was always a little nervous around me and always smiled lots.

Last night though, out of the blue, he texted me to ask me if I wanted to come around his place and have dinner with him and his new girlfriend, who he said is much looking forward to meeting me. I was, to put it mildly, taken aback by this. I politely declined, wished them well and said 'some other time perhaps'! Truth is - I was and am heartbroken. I couldn't face sitting there smiling and making small talk with them both with a huge lump in my throat, wanting to blub. He was nice with his response, saying 'no problem, yes, another time' that sort of thing. I really liked him and I know he's done nothing wrong - he just doesn't want me.

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable as I know I am. I just feel so stupid, deluded old and ugly. I'm been in floods this afternoon. I know it's idiotic and childish and I ought to know better but can someone offer a bit of help a few words of support would be lovely.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Hellotheresweet · 19/12/2020 16:49

He was breaking lockdown on a fairly epic scale surely?

Hellotheresweet · 19/12/2020 16:51

In answer to your question

He hasn’t come on to you, didn’t acknowledge your birthday and now has a girlfriend.

You were single. Nothing stopping him.

I think you need to put it to back of mind.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 16:56

Yes, nothing stopping him at all. I just hoped that he liked me. I'm wrong and I'm weak.

OP posts:
NovemberR · 19/12/2020 16:58

I think he clearly saw you as a friend and neighbour and nothing more. You've read more into his behaviour than existed - obviously the 'spark' was there for you, but he didn't see you as a romantic partner.

I'm sorry this has hurt you, but I think hoping for more from him is futile. It doesn't mean you're old or deluded - but is it possible that you hoped for romance after the recent split from your partner? I think you need to have a bit of space to love yourself again before looking for another partner.

Hellotheresweet · 19/12/2020 16:59

You’re not weak.

You fancied someone. It wasn’t reciprocated. Not weakness

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 17:01

You're absolutely right NovemberR. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
BooFuckingHoo2 · 19/12/2020 17:03

You’re not weak and the vast majority of us have been in similar shoes to you Flowers

Crankley · 19/12/2020 17:03

It seems you took his displays of friendship as something more and are now disappointed. I'm sorry you feel miserable just before Christmas. The best thing you can do is give yourself some time and maybe look for someone new in the New Year.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 17:10

I can't tell you how grateful I am for your advice everyone, thank you.

I'm in my fifties how could I be so bloody silly?

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyVice · 19/12/2020 17:19

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I totally empathise with how you must be feeling. Falling for someone who is not going to reciprocate the feeling hurts like hell.

I really hope that once these initial feelings weaken that you find the confidence to get out and start dating again. You clearly have the live to give and there will be a lucky msn out there got you.

Take care.

Osirus · 19/12/2020 17:20

It’s not silly to be attracted to someone, and to feel hurt when it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

You can be heartbroken no matter how old you are or how wise you are! It gets us all, at some point.

CheeseIsMyVice · 19/12/2020 17:20

Also being lead by your heart instead of your head he nooooooooo upper age limit! Don’t blame yourself. You are a feisty woman with passionate feelings.

EveningOverRooftops · 19/12/2020 17:23

Not silly.

You’ve chosen a safe man (he genuinely seems nice) to have a perfectly healthy normal crush on and you’ve been able to feel those things I guess were missing from your previous relationship in a way that has no expectations, I think deep down you may have known that too.

I did it too after a horrific breakup. Crushes on totally unavailable men and I knew why and it was great to revel in those feelings by myself without the expectations I wasn’t ready for. It made me feel like I was able to feel that again for someone.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2020 17:25

@Hellotheresweet

He was breaking lockdown on a fairly epic scale surely?
And there's always one.... Hmm
PyongyangKipperbang · 19/12/2020 17:26

@Jaypreen

Why didnt you ask him out?

Just curious as to why you seem to put the responsibility on him to ask you.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/12/2020 17:29

The key is to fancy lots of people at the same time rather than fixating on one, then its just an option that has gone rather than the one guy you were pinning your hopes on.

Nothing wrong with having a crush and being sad when it doesn't pan out as expected at all Flowers

MissConductUS · 19/12/2020 17:30

I'm so sorry that you've had this disappointment. The good news is that your heart is alive and that you have love to give to a deserving man. Your healing is well underway. It just wasn't to be this particular man.

There are others. Smile

Clymene · 19/12/2020 17:30

@Osirus

It’s not silly to be attracted to someone, and to feel hurt when it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

You can be heartbroken no matter how old you are or how wise you are! It gets us all, at some point.

All of this.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Leflic · 19/12/2020 17:32

You need to read “ The Rules” by Ellen Fein. Yes everyone will say it’s a load of sexist shit, but it stops you feeling like you are now.

The book says ,you do the best you possible, whoever comes to you , actually fancies you. It’s a revelation after years of trying too hard to be what you think they want or endless flirting.

NovemberR · 19/12/2020 17:33

There's nothing silly about enjoying someone's company and hoping for romance!

I'm in my 50s too and there's no age limit on falling for someone. You're not weak - and he obviously really likes you and values your friendship and company if he wanted you to meet his gf. Someone else will value and love you too.

Good luck for the future in finding someone who is your match. I know it's painful at the moment, but please don't feel silly about it.

KarmaStar · 19/12/2020 17:39

So sorry this has happened op,especially at christmas.
No easy way to get over this,with him part of your life,but not in the way you would like.
The only thing I can suggest is to keep busy,look for new interests where you have contact,even if it's with skype/outdoors with masks,and anything which will keep your mind actively away from him and his girlfriend.
Is it possible he thought you were only after a friendship?
Either way,nothing you can do now but be nice to yourself.We have all been in a similar situation in one way or another.
Your life path may meet with him again,it may not,but don't do yourself down for hoping.🌻🌻

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 17:45

Is it possible he thought you were only after a friendship?. I dont think so Karma. I was mindful to let him know that I liked him.

Put X's on my texts sometimes. Which he never did. I forgot to mention that. No, the truth is : he just doesn't like me in that way. I have to get used to it. It's really difficult.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 19/12/2020 17:50

So sorry, that’s very hard. Give yourself time and then if possible resume the friendship because good friends are also a lovely thing.

Noconceptofnormal · 19/12/2020 17:54

Don't beat yourself up, everyone has been there, it's hard to get over.

If it makes you feel better, I have a crush on someone where I know nothing will happen and I'm nearly 40.

The only way to get over it is to give him some distance for a while until you know the feelings have passed. Covid gives you a good excuse, especially with this new strain.

I think the main learning I have had over the years is if a bloke likes someone they'll make a move, especially if you've made it obvious it would be reciprocated. I think you can protect yourself from future hurt this way.

In my case with my crush, I know the feelings will pass, so I am avoiding, including on social media.

BloggersBlog · 19/12/2020 17:56

How weird that he asked you round for a meal with his new gf? Why would he do that?

Unless he had been talking loads about you and she wanted to check you out - which are both odd in themselves, especially to want to check a friendly neighbour out Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread