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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bloke I like has a girlfriend and I'm heartbroken.

69 replies

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 16:48

Hi all. New comer here and so sorry to post such a gloomy post on what is - here anyway, an equally dreary horrid afternoon, but I do need some words of help.

I'm 50 and have quite recently been separated from my partner and father of my child.

Trying to cut a long story short..In my street there's this bloke who lives a few doors down from me. He's also been single for about a year. I used to be somewhat friendly with his partner. One day though, I saw her outside and she told me that they'd split up and she had moved out. They have a young child also who is adorable. Over the past few months I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to this bloke, he's about 5 years younger than I am. He's tall, very masculine and ruggedly handsome. Over the past 7/8 months he and I have gotten to be good friends. We'd go for walks together, locally. We'd exchange humourous texts, visit each others homes [always with kids]. Take the children out to adventure parks together etc. WE wee never intimate in anyway but I sensed a spark between us. He asked me once when my birthday was, I told him the date and he said that it was two days after his ex's. My birthday came and I didn't get a happy birthday text from him. I was disappointed.

I guess that should have told me all I needed to know, but rather stupidly I'd see him again and get that all over all warm feeling once more. The other day I saw him and he was all smiles and asked me what I was doing for Xmas. That he and his child would be around and we ought to get together and do something. Now although our relationship never consisted of any physical contact. I fell for him. I actually got the distinct feeling that he liked me too, as he was always a little nervous around me and always smiled lots.

Last night though, out of the blue, he texted me to ask me if I wanted to come around his place and have dinner with him and his new girlfriend, who he said is much looking forward to meeting me. I was, to put it mildly, taken aback by this. I politely declined, wished them well and said 'some other time perhaps'! Truth is - I was and am heartbroken. I couldn't face sitting there smiling and making small talk with them both with a huge lump in my throat, wanting to blub. He was nice with his response, saying 'no problem, yes, another time' that sort of thing. I really liked him and I know he's done nothing wrong - he just doesn't want me.

I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable as I know I am. I just feel so stupid, deluded old and ugly. I'm been in floods this afternoon. I know it's idiotic and childish and I ought to know better but can someone offer a bit of help a few words of support would be lovely.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
thesnailandthewhale · 19/12/2020 17:57

As others have said, you're not weak, just disappointed that we doesn't feel the same way. I wonder if he realised you had feelings for him and tried to let you down gently by mentioning the girlfriend?

Hailtomyteeth · 19/12/2020 18:01

Take it lightly. I'm older than you. People try, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. The older you get, the more lightly you need to take it.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 18:03

Thanks Noconceptofnormal. I agree 100%. I'm not connected to him on SM. The problem I have is : he lives just down the road, so it's difficult to avoid him.

OP posts:
DK123 · 19/12/2020 18:07

I'm so sorry OP, I know exactly what that feels like, having had a similar experience not so long ago. You weren't at all wrong to get the idea he seemed interested, he did things that would have come across that way and I'd have interpreted it the same. Perhaps he was just being friendly and didn't mean more by it, but it's not your fault for getting the wrong message. Most people would be feeling disappointed and upset in these circumstances. But whilst it seems like a big deal right now and there's some sense of loss, you'll get over it much quicker than you think. With me, I've accepted how things are and gone back to seeing the guy as a good friend and my feelings for him evaporated without me really noticing! You'll be ok and you're not silly at all! Wishing you the best.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 18:09

Yes I think that's exacly why he invited me round his place thesnailandthewhale. He's never invited me to his home without my child before and after I replied saying 'thanks but no thanks', he sent me some "funny" youtube clip. Which he's never done before either. Obvs he feels he can do that now as he's made clear the fact he doesn't fancy me and I'll know not to see it as a 'come on' but I'll know to stay at arms length.

OP posts:
Iamthewombat · 19/12/2020 18:15

You made the right choice, not joining them on Christmas Day.

Really sorry that you are feeling sad. Regroup and enter 2021 with hope that you will meet somebody who reciprocates your feelings. You are only 50. Good luck.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 20:06

Thank you Iamthewombat.

Thanks to you all....It really helps

OP posts:
Submariner · 19/12/2020 20:16

I think it sounds like he does really value you as a friend and that inviting you to have dinner with his girlfriend by text was a way of giving you the heads up that he was with someone. Of course you weren't going to say yes, but at least this way it saves your blushes and you don't have to accidentally bump into them in the street. The jokey video is him trying to gloss over the awkward.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 20:28

great insight Sub . Many thanks. It really helps to hear someone put it so succinctly. Thank you

OP posts:
Skysblue · 19/12/2020 20:38

Hm. I think he led you on tbh. Bet he enjoyed having a rebound flirtation and quite liked you but he wasn’t sure if he wanted it to go further (esp with you living so close) and then he met someone else and fell for them and thought “agh what do I do about the other woman I’m already sort of seeing.” So he sent you a not very subtle announcement that he now has a girlfriend.

If he wasn’t interested there are many polite ways he could have made that clear much earlier and he should have done so.

I think he’s been a bit of a dick. In Bridget Jones they called that “fuckwittage”. You deserve better OP. Find someone who will “either go out with you nicely or leave you alone” as Bridget Jones said... And remember this was about him sending mixed singals when he was on the rebound, your behaviour has been completely normal and he has messed you around.

Tehmina23 · 19/12/2020 20:39

Hi @Jaypreen, I understand how you feel, I rather unexpectedly developed a crush on a younger man at work and he has actually flirted with me, plus added me on Facebook. (I know that doesn't mean much but it was nice of him).
I was therefore gutted to discover he has a girlfriend.
Plus I may be redeployed and not see him for several months!!! Well I guess that will give me chance to get over it. Btw I'm 44 and he must be early 30s... oh dear.

CrazyToast · 19/12/2020 20:52

Definitely not BU to have liked someone or to feel hurt that they don't feel the same. It's rubbish when you like someone and think they might like you, then it turns out they don't.

Happens to us all unfortunately.

Seventytwo · 19/12/2020 20:56

We've all been there, OP - age doesn't come into it! Whether or not he was leading you on (which I personally don't think was necessarily the case at all) is irrelevant - the issue here is how it has made you feel. I agree that keeping a healthy distance from him would be the best thing right now, while you work on your self-confidence and spend some time doing things you enjoy that make you feel good about yourself (harder atm, I know, but not impossible). Being recently separated is a very vulnerable time - it really knocks you for six, so don't underestimate that. Be kind to yourself - you have absolutely no reason to feel silly Flowers

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/12/2020 20:58

Look now, if you let him know you like him, he qs all giggly around you and now he's inviting you around to meet his girlfriend he isn't being very considerate of your feelings.

I feel for you. You aren't stupid. We've all been there.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 21:02

Thank you so much Seventytwo.

And you Tehmina23

Thank you for sharing. It's really humbling.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 19/12/2020 21:02

I think you've handled it all with a lot of dignity, OP. Don't feel you have to be friends with him, you need some distance now to get over it. Cake

Proudboomer · 19/12/2020 21:10

I can’t see anything he has done to lead the op on. He has just been friendly whilst in a group setting with their various kids. Anything else was only on the ops side.
Nothing wrong with the way she feels as pretty much everyone will experience a one way crush at some time in their life. Neither party has behaved badly and I think he handled it in the best way so not to hurt her feelings anymore than necessary or embarrass her.
Just use your feelings as a way now of knowing you are fully over your ex and ready to experience a new love and go out and look for him in the new year.

Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 21:32

I agree Proudboomer. It would be easier for me if he had handled it really badly, or if he led me on. He didn't really.

It isn't his fault that he doesn't feel he same way about me as I do him.

OP posts:
Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 21:34

What a lovely post DK123 thank you so much. Thanks to you all

OP posts:
Jaypreen · 19/12/2020 21:36

It's so funny how when this happens to you you feel so alone in the world. It helps so much to hear other people's stories. Sad though they are - they're helping me to toughen up.

OP posts:
RoisinL · 19/12/2020 21:39

Ah shit @Jaypreen that’s harsh. No wonder you’re disappointed, especially after your relationship broke down only recently. You’re not stupid, not old (my daughter is only slightly younger than you, so you seem quite youthful to me); you may be slightly deluded, but hey, aren’t we all delusional at times?

I’m sorry this attraction hasn’t developed into a romance. It must be very disappointing. I experienced something similar myself at your age, but that’s a whole other story!

You really do sound like a lovely, thoughtful, caring woman. If there’s any justice in the world, another man will come along, just after the next bus. Don’t lose your appetite for romance yet, you’ve a way to go before you’re over the hill x

HighSpecWhistle · 19/12/2020 21:45

Unfortunately that's love (lust) for you. Isn't always reciprocated. It'll hurt for a few weeks then you'll move on.

chubbyhotchoc · 19/12/2020 21:46

@Leflic

You need to read “ The Rules” by Ellen Fein. Yes everyone will say it’s a load of sexist shit, but it stops you feeling like you are now.

The book says ,you do the best you possible, whoever comes to you , actually fancies you. It’s a revelation after years of trying too hard to be what you think they want or endless flirting.

Second this. Life changing. How I met and married my dh. No more heartbreak, 'situations hips', ghosting or any of the other crap that comes with trying to find mr right. There's lots of very supportive fb groups too ( I admin some of them)
CharlottaCarlotta · 19/12/2020 21:56

Having your heart broken at any age is sad. You handled it with dignity so well done for that. Have a good cry, it really does help. You sound like you have lots of love to give, you’ll find someone who deserves it when the time is right x

DK123 · 19/12/2020 21:59

@Jaypreen you'll be ok! Deep down, know you will be! Please don't feel awkward about bumping into him and all that, chances are he's oblivious to what you're thinking right now, so he's not going to act strangely himself or think you are. For what it's worth, my friend who I'd been mooning over for ages and I had a really nice phone conversation the other day and in many ways, I felt a lot less tension than I used to because I'd stopped seeing him as a potential partner. It just felt like a really nice, relaxed friendship and I'm glad I didn't make a fuss or throw a stop when I was upset and compromise all of that.

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