To tell my brother he is autistic

Autisticbrother1 · 2020-12-16T20:51:33+00:00

Ok so it isn’t me directly in this situation but I know what the situation is if someone else and want advice as to what they should do. My brother has Aspergers and was diognosed as a child. My parents for whatever reason decided not to tell him and they only told me once when I was a teenager and it’s never been mentioned since then. My brother is now in his mid thirties and has no idea. Aibu to tell him he is autistic?

RoosterTheRoost · 16/12/2020 20:53

You need to ask your parents what possible reason they have to not tell him. Do they believe autism doesn’t exist?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2020 20:55

Good grief, why didn't your parents tell him? What a predicament to be in, op. Obviously, you think he should know and I agree. Can you ask your parents why they never told him, and perhaps give them the opportunity to inform your brother? My guess is that they wouldn't want to, though.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2020 20:57

Wait... Is this your brother or someone else's?

FlibbertyGiblets · 16/12/2020 20:57

No it is not your news. Beak out.

Original poster

Autisticbrother1 · 16/12/2020 20:57

@Aquamarine1029

Wait... Is this your brother or someone else's?

Someone else’s but I am posting for their point of view to find out what you would advise them

OP posts:

Alloftheboys · 16/12/2020 20:59

What motivation is there for telling him? Is he finding something particularly difficult that would be made easier by knowing his diagnosis?

OverTheRainbow88 · 16/12/2020 20:59

I taught a girl who was has autism, her parents didn’t want her to know. She really struggled. I personally always believed it would have helped her to know.

OverTheRainbow88 · 16/12/2020 20:59

I taught a girl who was has autism,

A girl who has autism

Original poster

Autisticbrother1 · 16/12/2020 21:00

@Alloftheboys

What motivation is there for telling him? Is he finding something particularly difficult that would be made easier by knowing his diagnosis?

None that I know of I don’t think his day to day life would change much either way

OP posts:

BrumBoo · 16/12/2020 21:00

@FlibbertyGiblets

No it is not your news. Beak out.

But it is his. Wouldn't you want to know? Especially if something felt 'off' your entire life?

DuesToTheDirt · 16/12/2020 21:03

As I understand it, must adults who get diagnosed are glad they did, as it helps them to understand certain aspects of their personality and give them coping strategies. So it might be doing him a favour to open the conversation. I'm not sure though about telling him he was diagnosed already and then it was kept quiet.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/12/2020 21:03

Has this someone confronted their parents about it?

GettingUntrapped · 16/12/2020 21:05

You would need to tell him very gently, or with help, as the news might make his world fall apart. It might not, but small risk.

RosesforMama · 16/12/2020 21:08

I have a similar situation in extended family; not as close as a brother. I strongly believe my family member's parents were very wrong indeed not to tell him about his diagnosis, and that it is not my place to do so. For a brother I might say something if he is struggling in any aspect of his life.

Jackabobbo · 16/12/2020 21:09

It would have helped me to know - my parents weren't keeping it from me, nobody knew and I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm trying to imagine a situation being in this situation and it's very hard to imagine. I'd definitely want to know, but I'd be very unhappy that everyone but me knew for so long! I'd feel embarrassed and angry and a bit betrayed to think everyone knew this sort of secret about me that would suddenly make a lot of things make sense.

With there being so much information about autism and Asperger's around these days, I wouldn't be surprised if he already suspects it for himself at some level. I know I did.

Perhaps the best way to do it - only if it can be guaranteed he never found that everyone else already knows - would be for his sister (or brother - the sibling in this instance) to suggest to him that he may have autism, just to get the cogs turning, without revealing that everyone already knows he actually does?

I think that is what I would prefer personally if I were in his situation, but as I said, I'd only take that approach if it could be guaranteed he would never find out the truth. It's such an odd situation and it was wrong of the parents to keep it from him! I just know I'd take it very badly if I found out my family knew and kept it from me, I'm not sure I could forgive them!

Humbersausage · 16/12/2020 21:15

@Jackabobbo

It would have helped me to know - my parents weren't keeping it from me, nobody knew and I didn't get diagnosed until I was an adult. I'm trying to imagine a situation being in this situation and it's very hard to imagine. I'd definitely want to know, but I'd be very unhappy that everyone but me knew for so long! I'd feel embarrassed and angry and a bit betrayed to think everyone knew this sort of secret about me that would suddenly make a lot of things make sense.

With there being so much information about autism and Asperger's around these days, I wouldn't be surprised if he already suspects it for himself at some level. I know I did.

Perhaps the best way to do it - only if it can be guaranteed he never found that everyone else already knows - would be for his sister (or brother - the sibling in this instance) to suggest to him that he may have autism, just to get the cogs turning, without revealing that everyone already knows he actually does?

I think that is what I would prefer personally if I were in his situation, but as I said, I'd only take that approach if it could be guaranteed he would never find out the truth. It's such an odd situation and it was wrong of the parents to keep it from him! I just know I'd take it very badly if I found out my family knew and kept it from me, I'm not sure I could forgive them!

Really interesting I always think it’s best to get as many autistic perspectives as possible in a discussion like this

user1473878824 · 16/12/2020 21:22

This was a post on another thread. Do you know that poster or are you just asking about their situation?

DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars · 16/12/2020 21:24

DS -now a teen- categorically denies he has ASD, he certainly doesn’t mention it to anyone (work experience/college/anyone he is talking to) it would make it easier for people to understand his quirks and difficulties if he did.

Does this adult experience and difficulties in work or life in general? If not, what would telling him achieve?

Humbersausage · 16/12/2020 21:28

@DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars

DS -now a teen- categorically denies he has ASD, he certainly doesn’t mention it to anyone (work experience/college/anyone he is talking to) it would make it easier for people to understand his quirks and difficulties if he did.

Does this adult experience and difficulties in work or life in general? If not, what would telling him achieve?

I think the point is that it’s his choice autistic people don’t have to accept their diognosis of course I think the important thing is allowing them to decide

Nottherealslimshady · 16/12/2020 21:30

It's his right to know. As someone who was an adult when diagnosed, it means so much, it is really hard not knowing WHY you're so different to everyone else. Just the knowledge helps you improve your life and he could access support. His parents might not think he needs it but they cant know, my mum didn't even think I was autisitic. It's a part of his identity and he doesn't know.

Nottherealslimshady · 16/12/2020 21:31

@DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars that's his decision to make. No one elses. It doesn't matter if everyone else would benefit from being told he's autistic, it's no one business but his.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 16/12/2020 21:36

He definitely has a right to know. A PP's advice might work to suggest he has it and look into it, if the sister doesn't know how to tell it directly but sensitively.

I can't imagine why the parents would deliberately hide it from him.

DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars · 16/12/2020 21:41

[quote Nottherealslimshady]@DontAskForMedicalAdviceOnMars that's his decision to make. No one elses. It doesn't matter if everyone else would benefit from being told he's autistic, it's no one business but his.[/quote]
Humber slimshady

I get that. It’s just heartbreaking and frustrating to see people write him off because of the way he behaves because they have no understanding of why he does the things he does. It would be for his benefit not everyone else’s. I also don’t think he should be ashamed of his diagnosis and he is, it makes me sad.

Zoflorabore · 16/12/2020 21:48

My ds is 17, 18 in March and was diagnosed with Aspergers a few months before he was 9. We were advised to tell him and we did.

He has always been open about it. It doesn’t define him and he knows there’s no shame etc.

He’s currently doing his A levels and is receiving extra time in his exams and this has helped enormously. He has a large group of friends who are all absolutely amazing and accept his quirks and funny little ways.

I myself was diagnosed last year with ADD at the age of 41. Totally sounds like a cliche but my life totally makes sense.
However, I don’t know if it’s a good idea for a sibling to drop a potential bombshell like that. I know it hit me hard.

Voice0fReason · 16/12/2020 21:55

I wouldn't ask his parents - I actually don't think they should have a say any more. It might be worth a conversation with them to tell them that he needs to be told and give them the opportunity to explain their side to him. If they don't want to be involved then I would tell him. He does have the right to know.