To tell my brother he is autistic

[Autisticbrother1]

Ok so it isn’t me directly in this situation but I know what the situation is if someone else and want advice as to what they should do.

My brother has Aspergers and was diognosed as a child. My parents for whatever reason decided not to tell him and they only told me once when I was a teenager and it’s never been mentioned since then. My brother is now in his mid thirties and has no idea. Aibu to tell him he is autistic?

It really depends. Some people are diagnosed as children but would no longer meet the diagnostic criteria as adults. Others have autism but have no desire to confirm the diagnosis. If he's getting on fine with his life and has no issues as a result of autism I'd probably let it lie. On the other hand other people who don't have a diagnosis can find it a massive relief when they find out, it explains issues they've had and gives them a source of support and help. In this case I would certainly tell.

DH is 56 and was finally diagnosed 2 months ago, it’s given him peace to understand at last why he is as he is, also he can understand why other family members have behaved as they have in the past

Teen DD was diagnosed 2 years ago which initially led to DH deciding to pursue assessment. Both are very happy with who they are, DS at present doesn’t wish to be assessed but acknowledges that as he has adhd then he possibly also has ASD

With both DC we’ve never hidden anything as we feel it’s important for them to be accepting of the diagnosis so they know what things they may need support with

I imagine initially they tried to protect him but he absolutely has a right to know even if he then decides to ignore the diagnosis, I do feel the parents should be encouraged to tell him themselves

I also taught a child with autism, unbeknown to the school; it came out later that he had been diagnosed before his arrival in Year 3, but his parents finally admitted that they hadn't passed this on "as they wanted him to be treated just the same as the other boys". He was academically able, but there was clearly something amiss with social interactions.
He wasn't in my form, but I raised the topic at many staff meetings, as I could see how unhappy he was, and although I'm no specialist, in that field, I'd been in teaching long enough to have seen specific support plans help other boys through, and been helped myself with specific advice. But what does a mere music teacher know?
I was sad to see how some of his more unkind classmates wound him up; good sport, and takes the work pressure off while the wobbly runs its course.
After I retired, I kept in touch, going back for the odd stint of supply cover, and his Form teacher in Year 5 told me how he'd finally pinned the problem down; things were a bit better after that, but two years had been wasted.
It didn't end well; although he went through to the Senior School, his problems with personal interactions were entrenched, and he finally left because of cannabis misuse. I think the poor little bugger had found his own way of blunting the edges.
You have a real dilemma here; you're right to feel that "it's not your place", but your parents have done him no favours by going into denial. Are they open to discussion on the topic?
As a PP has posted, he deserves to know, for his own sake.

This was a post on another thread.

It was. the parents had forbidden the sister to tell her brother and they had destroyed their copies of his childhood diagnostic reports.

They were living in fear of him needing the GP for anything and the GP mentioning it. Or him obtaining his medical records and seeing it in there.

The OP of that thread, the real sister, despite much evidence and pleas to tell him, decided she couldn't say anything to her brother now in his mid-thirties, because of the upset it would cause their parents.

At the moment he’s struggling. But thinks it’s normal.
He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know

I'm 43 and only realised I'm autistic this year. My life makes so much more sense now, it's a relief to know why I am as I am and it's given me confidence to ask for help when I need it instead of feeling that I should be managing (sometimes fairly simple things) just because everyone else is. More acceptance and greater happiness.

Given that we can now access our own full medical records, he might be in for a shock one day.

His parents should have told him, but I don't think it's his sibling's role to do so, unless he's expressed concern that he's not like others. In which case I'd tell him to talk to his parents, or tell the parents that they need to tell him

At the moment he’s struggling. But thinks it’s normal.
He doesn’t know what he doesn’t know

You could always suggest he takes the AQ test online. It's an indicator that autism's likely, but it's NOT a diagnosis. A high score on the AQ is enough to take to the GP and ask for a referral.

As I said on the other thread, it's highly likely that if he has work colleagues, someone has already suggested he's autistic because of his differences.

Leaving him to struggle without answers when you are fully aware of the reason why is a vile thing to do.

He needs to know. It’s a very cruel thing to go through life not knowing that you’re autistic, being treated badly everywhere you go and believing it’s your fault.

Surely he has an inkling?

If he's high functioning enough not to need intervention etc then I'd imagine he probably has an idea. My DP is probably autistic (holds down a niche job he does well at but would struggle in another role) and he is very much aware of his traits

He has a right to know.

I asked my paediatricion when my son was diagnosed and he said to just tell him his brain works differently to some others and his senco said the same. He will definitely be fully aware of his condition way before high school though