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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That my siblings have sent me a Christmas present

28 replies

Professionallytorn · 16/12/2020 19:20

Normally my Family of 5, plus 3 siblings, SIL and 3 DN stay together at parents for xmas. As xmas present buying was getting excessive, a number of years ago the whole family cut pack with present buying, and we all agreed that myself and 2 siblings would buy 1 present each for/between the 3 of us, plus everyone bought for their own immediate families. Due to covid we are not meeting this year. Finances for myself and 2 siblings badly affected. Told 2 siblings early on that I was not going to buy presents this year, and could they just exchange gifts with each other if they were still going ahead - they are meeting up at parents for xmas. A gift has arrived for me from them both. I know people 'do not give to receive' but now I feel rubbish and a bit annoyed, AIBU? Do I now have to go shopping to get them each something? I am in vulnerable group and avoiding shops and have no idea at all what I could get them. I have bought a small gift for parents and siblings to share, which I need to post. If I buy them gifts I am looking at circa £20 each I guess. Don't really want to line Amazon's pockets either. WWYD?

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/12/2020 19:22

Don't buy anything, just say thank you.
You do realize that they are probably just being kind.

Atalune · 16/12/2020 19:23

It was well meant x

WisestIsShe · 16/12/2020 19:24

Don't be annoyed. People who love you have given you a small gift to demonstrate their love. They just want to make you smile, they don't want to make you worry about money and shopping and postal dates.
Just be happy to have a loving family.

Omeara · 16/12/2020 19:25

Say thank you. They don’t care that you can’t buy one for them.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 16/12/2020 19:30

Why are you saying myself!!!!

You've told them that you were not going to buy gifts so they're not expecting any and they chose together you something knowing what you had said. You don't need to go buying stuff. A nice card and a thank you; maybe a bottle of wine if you can afford it.

williowrosenburg · 16/12/2020 19:35

We have this Op. With DH 3 siblings we agreed to not buy for adults.... however we have dd and only one other sibling has a child so for those who don't have children we would buy them a smal gift from DD... since they were spending on her.

This year so far 2 siblings have bought DD and us presents! It's very thoughtful of them but why agree to something then go against it? It just makes us feel Soooo bad!!!
DH is one of 4. They are all in the their late 30s we all have our own money to buy what we want when we want..... there is no need to to buy us anything.

So I feel your frustrations x

NewLockdownNewMe · 16/12/2020 19:38

They’ve bought a present to say they love you and are thinking of you, as they’re seeing one another and not you at Christmas. I know some people get upset about this but some of us genuinely like giving people presents with zero expectation of reciprocity. Thank them. After Christmas remind them of your agreement for next year.

Honeybobbin · 16/12/2020 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookgizzardpie · 16/12/2020 19:45

YABU

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 16/12/2020 19:57

@Honeybobbin
In the English language, rhetorical questions (statements posed as a question but which do not require an answer) do not require question marks. My statement does not require an answer; she is using the wrong word because she doesnt understand how to use 'myself' correctly. It's a way of showing frustration with something without actually requiring them to explain.

BackforGood · 16/12/2020 19:58

AYBU about what ?

No, you don't need to get them anything.
You said you wouldn't be buying and asked them not to. If they still chose to get your something, then you should graciously accept and say thank you.

saraclara · 16/12/2020 20:05

Not only are you struggling financially, but you're missing out on the family Christmas that they're going to get to enjoy.

Of course they want to treat you, They love you and they empathise with your situation. They feel fortunate and they don't want you to lose out in every way this Christmas.

You are so lucky to have caring siblings. Sometime in the future, one of them might be having a tough time. And that's when you'll get to do something nice for them. It might not involve money, it might be something entirely different. But you'll do it with no expectation of reward, just as they have today.

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/12/2020 20:21

Does a rhetorical question require the use of a teenager-like number of exclamation marks?
I think we all know what OP was trying to say.

Honeybobbin · 16/12/2020 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Professionallytorn · 17/12/2020 07:50

@saraclara. Thank you, my feelings have been swaying between annoyance, gratitude and guilt. I think you have clarified things beautifully.

OP posts:

AmIAWeed · 17/12/2020 08:00

My DH family only gift to children - I hate it.
I buy for my adults my side and get a token gift for the adults their side if we see them over Christmas. The idea of them watching us open gifts and have nothing bothers me. This year however due to Covid I have got them the odd little thing and posted it as we won't see them, my DD and I have made gifts, candles, handscrub, lavender bags and we've got other little 'thinking of you' gifts
I know I won't get anything in return, I don't want anything - I just can't picture doing all that stuff for my family and ignoring his.

dontdisturbmenow · 17/12/2020 08:07

You don't always get presents in expectation of recieving some back.

I regularly offer presents to family and friends just because I want to cheer them up or I see something I think would be perfect for them. I don't want them to get me anything back especially if they are in hardship.

One day it will be you giving them something in another way.

MizMoonshine · 17/12/2020 08:29

If my siblings told me that they didn't want to exchange gifts this year because they weren't in a financial position to, especially this year, and I was comfortable in terms of money, I would still gift them.
I would expect nothing in return but I would want them to have a physical representation of my love for them come Christmas morning.
Don't buy them a gift, they know you're struggling. Buy a card for each of them, write something meaningful in there. Give them a physical, inexpensive, expression of your love.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 08:38

I totally get how you feel. We've got the same quandry with sil who we can't see this year. She's definitely not impoverished but her finances have been impacted by covid and she asked not to exchange gifts. We'd love to send her a voucher or something to get herself a treat as she's had a difficult year. However we don't want to make her feel bad that she hasn't reciprocated (we definitely don't want her to reciprocate and stretch her finances).

Bettydot · 17/12/2020 08:38

Please remember people don’t give to receive. It’s been a rubbish year and I imagine the gift has been given for that reason to lift your spirits and to say they are thinking of you and will miss seeing you. We have the same agreement in place in our family and this year we’ve bought a present for my SIL who is a single parent and has has had a tough year. We’ve been very clear that she’s not to buy for us and that we’ll be back to the usual arrangement next year and it’s simply because it’s been a rubbish year. I hope we’ve not caused her any stress as it was a gesture designed to make her smile. Please don’t buy for them and realise they are probably just trying to make you smile after a difficult year and wouldn’t want you to buy them anything in return. I’d hate for my SIL to buy for us, as we simply wanted to cheer her up a bit.

wildraisins · 17/12/2020 09:34

I doubt they expect anything in return and would not have meant to put that pressure on you. It's well intentioned so just accept it and enjoy :)

saraclara · 17/12/2020 09:34

[quote Professionallytorn]@saraclara. Thank you, my feelings have been swaying between annoyance, gratitude and guilt. I think you have clarified things beautifully.[/quote]
I'm glad I've helped you to enjoy their gifts! And I hope you're able to enjoy and make the most of the Christmas you've been dealt

MaggieFS · 17/12/2020 09:38

You were clear, they've chosen to give. I'd assume it was kindly meant without need to reciprocate.

goopsoup · 17/12/2020 09:40

I agree don't buy anything, you've already bought a small gift for them all to share.

I think if you don't buy a gift this year, they will be more likely to stick to the arrangement next year, and you won't feel this guilt.

Original poster

Professionallytorn · 17/12/2020 10:27

Thank you everybody, your thoughts are appreciated 😊

OP posts:

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