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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not opening whatsapp messages

86 replies

Constantfacepalm · 16/12/2020 18:33

This is semi-lght hearted, but I must vent and ask a) AIBU to be annoyed and b) if you do this, WHY??

First of all, I often don't open a message for a day or so til I'm ready to respond. And I have plenty of chats where we can go a week or two between long replies I respect that, and in those chats I never respond quickly as it's a bit much putting the ball straight back in their court.

Anyway I have a friend, not a particulatly close one, who has not bothered to open my recent thank you message about something she sent. My message was sent 4 days ago. We had conversation back and forth prior to this, but all quite short in case you think she wants to wait til she has time to formulate a proper response.

Perhaps she doesn't open WhatsApp much, you say. Yesterday, she replied to a group chat I am in.

So WTF is she thinking? That if she doesn't open the message, it's not rude to ignore it? That I won't wonder why she hasn't replied as I'll assume she hasn't seen it? Does she think I'm that dim? It only requires a two word response, FYI.
In addition, how does she put up with the thing at the top telling her she has an unread message when she is clearly on her WhatsApp, probably quite regularly.

I'm not desperate about the friendship, but we have enough mutual connections that it won't fade away.

I just have a bee in my bonnet about rude and or baffling behaviour in any form. I feel better for having vented.

OP posts:
CutToChase · 16/12/2020 21:40

@2020iscancelled
How busy can you be that you can’t reply to someone you like and / or care about. It takes literally 30 seconds. If you don’t want to chat when just say “absolutely swamped with kids /
Work / house right now I’ll give you a shout at the wkend” etc etc

I have a friend who thinks like you and I have just accepted we dont see eye to eye on this one. I get your perspective, but equally - why should I have to justify my timeframes to you? Why should I have to account for my time? Why cant I sit on the sofa and go on MN and not reply to you simply because - I dont feel like replying to you? Not because you're not important or I dont care about you. But because I just dont feel like it?
When we were only using phones as actual phones, if you wanted a chat you would call, and if the person wasnt picking up you would just think "oh shes busy, never mind". If someone doesnt reply to your whatsapp, for a few days, or even a few weeks, why dont you draw the same conclusion? That someone is having a busy period and just doesnt want a natter at that particular point in time? Why does it need to be spelled out to you like a line manager?

CutToChase · 16/12/2020 21:42

@30sthngLondon
OMG the friend I mentioned in the post just above is EXACTLY like this. It doesnt help that her messages are always really really in depth about her thought processes and stuff, which is great in person but sometimes over WhatsApp it can feel really heavy - and when the person is instantly back in responding mode, I always know that basically I'm now going to be having a 30 minute conversation. So sometimes I dont read or reply until I have the emotional energy to listen properly.

AFP10 · 16/12/2020 21:49

A very good friend once told me they use to find it irritating that I treated WhatsApp like a pen letter. I wouldn't open or would take days to respond so as slow as second class mail. I jokingly replied I like to keep some traditions alive and was a great fan of pen friends back in the day. We laughed, shared some profanities and now they know to call if urgent Wink
I suspect your friend has just read in the preview section.

sunshineandshowers40 · 16/12/2020 21:57

My messages sometimes come through to my watch, so I then don't bother opening them.

CasperGutman · 16/12/2020 22:20

If I miss a WhatsApp message for a while, it's usually because the app clears all the new message notifications on my phone after I view a message in another group. It's not the best approach in my opinion, because then I only find the other messages when I eventually see them in the list of groups on the app itself.

30sthngLondon · 16/12/2020 22:41

@CutToChase

Mine also says those kinds of things! Maybe we have the same friend... she's always talking in depth and is quite heavy and is speaking about her personal development and growth etc etc. Also can also be a bit of downer and negative needs a lot of emotional support which I am happy to give (most of the time...) but it's a commitment opening a message from her! I almost have to hold her at arms' length to stay sane and limit our conversations for when I have the time/feel strong enough - doesn't mean I don't care about her though..

Dastardlythefriendlymutt · 16/12/2020 23:08

I wouldn't open your message either as would have read it in preview and it doesn't require a response. I'd open the chat again the next time I message you. Maybe she's the same.

mummyof2lou · 26/12/2020 09:18

I think it's the inconsistency that annoys me. When someone usually reads your message, even if it doesn't need a response, but suddenly doesn't read one. Makes you feel like you're a nuisance to them, like they saw your message and groaned inwardly, and that your not important to them. Especially as let's face it, we all have our phones with us all the time, and noone has much else going on at the moment. So OP, with you on this one. YANBU

DropsofJupiterinherhair · 26/12/2020 09:45

She could have just read the "preview" whilst busy, not wanting to open it until she knew she could reply, and has just forgotten? I do this alot... I have my phone on me at work (need it for parts of my job) but obviously don't reply to not work related things while there, so I'll see a message, read to check it's not urgent, and then can forget about it for days...
Has your friend got kids (especially young ones?) Again this is another reason I sometimes forget to respond. I'll read a message at home and then there will be an incident... and I end up fixing a bleeding knee, rushing to find out what that smash was, clearing up all kind of toddler created disasters, and replying to a text is now well and truly forgotten about. I'm sure it's not intentional

Sandalison · 29/12/2020 19:02

I’m going against the grain, I think YANB at all U. It drives me mad.
I have a friend who I wished happy Christmas and thanked her for my gift - she hasn’t read it. I then wished her happy birthday yesterday, no reply yet and I won’t expect one for weeks probably (or a thank you for the gifts I sent her). She has posted a message in a shared group so she has been online. Sometimes she leaves it a week or longer before replying (and I only send short messages like funny memes, but I could be asking her if she fancies a coffee this afternoon for all she knows). I just find it incredibly rude and feel snubbed.

ChippyChickenChips · 30/12/2020 07:44

I just don’t even realise I have a message at all as it goes to the bottom of the pile when new messages come in

My phone does this as well. I've missed several messages that I didn't know were there. I now do an occasional sweep down whenever I remember.

greenspacesoverthere · 30/12/2020 08:01

You are expecting a reply to a thank you message and there's some secret reason why you're expecting this Confused

And SHE is weird for not replying as she's read the message as a preview?

Give your head a wobble

shamus2020 · 30/12/2020 08:10

Anxiety about opening messages is a thing. Atm I have 126 unread texts and 14,956 unread emails. I'm the worst in the word at responding to people and will sometime read the previous view and it will literally take my until the end of the day to respond. My Dd and best friend can't even look at my Home Screen because of all the notifications Confused

Bitcherama · 30/12/2020 08:22

Because she could read the whole thing when it popped up on her notification screen so doesn't need to open it.

Sinful8 · 30/12/2020 08:59

"

Anyway I have a friend, not a particulatly close one, who has not bothered to open my recent thank you message about something she sent. My message was sent 4 days ago. We had conversation back and forth prior to this, but all quite short in case you think she wants to wait til she has time to formulate a proper response

First of all, I often don't open a message for a day or so til I'm ready to respond. And I have plenty of chats where we can go a week or two between long replies I respect that, and in those chats I never respond quickly as it's a bit much putting the ball straight back in their court."

There you go

Bluntness100 · 30/12/2020 09:02

Op. To clarify. You wish her to thank uou for your thank you message?

Confused
Atrixie · 30/12/2020 09:09

Do people actually spend time thinking about how and when friends reply to WhatsApp and check them out? I send a message. If they reply great, if not I don’t care. I reply when I am ready, it’s not the first thing on my mind and perfectly reasonable to do it in my own time

Lightsontbut · 30/12/2020 09:48

I can't understand people expecting quick responses to text messages. If something is more urgent, pick up the phone. If it's not, then wait until it's convenient for the other person. It's odd to see it as rude not to reply quickly to something that can't have been that urgent if you just sent a text.

Theflying19 · 30/12/2020 09:49

Stop whatsapping and start texting.

Grilledaubergines · 30/12/2020 09:58

My phone is for my benefit, no one else’s. I’ll reply when it suits. Doesn’t matter if I’m lounging around on a 4 day Netflix binge where I could easily send a response, I’ll respond when I decide!

partyatthepalace · 30/12/2020 10:03

It’s a thank you message from you. Why does she need to open or respond.

OP you sound v hard work.

evilharpy · 30/12/2020 10:05

My whatsapp and FB messages come through to my garmin. Sometimes I read them on there but it won't mark them as read on my phone. Then I reply in my head but forget to do it in real life, and more messages from other people come through and push the one I should have replied to down the list and off the screen and I forget all about it.

AlwaysLatte · 30/12/2020 10:06

It depends how you worded your thanks -if it was a long heartfelt message then I would be surprised at not getting a reply (but also mindful that she might be particularly busy). If it was just a quick thanks that I could see without opening the message, then I'd consider it as the end of that particular conversation.

MaryLeeOnHigh · 30/12/2020 10:11

@Constantfacepalm

Ah ok so firstly if she read it as a preview then I'm fine as I now understand that she isn't being weird deliberately not opening it.

And without being outing, there's a reason I would have expected a response- I wasn't waiting for a thanks for a thanks!

She can deduce it's a thank you message which doesn't need a reply. She is not to know that you have chosen to put in something that you expect a response too.
Scarby9 · 30/12/2020 10:15

A friend told me off for not reading her message. I had read it and had no idea what she was talking about.
Turned out that, like you, she was looking at the little ticks which I didn't even know existed at the time.
I can't be doing with people policing not only whether I read messages, but when I read them and even how I read them - hers was perfectly visible in the preview and said ' Happy Christmas to you all' inreply to a similar message I had sent her.