to be beyond angry at OH

rubyslippers · 16/12/2020 14:28

Your reaction seems very OTT
Why would you wash your hands of your DH
Your friends is going through a crisis - it sounds severe and needs specialist treatment
Whilst your partners choice of phrase may be not be ideal he is entitled to take a step back from a very situation isn’t he?
There’s comes a point where professional help is what is needed rather than friends who can still stay on the sidelines

shropshire11 · 16/12/2020 14:30

It doesn't sound great, but bear in mind that some people really struggle when it comes to the mental illness of others.

When people go through a manic episode they almost seem to become a different person to those around them. Ideally we would all react to this with patience and understanding, but for some people this can be frightening and their instinct is to try and push it away.

TonberryDreams · 16/12/2020 14:32

Your OH has as much right to protect his own mental health as his friend has to except support btw. Looking after someone with serious mental health difficulties can be really hard work, especially while they stabilise on new medication. There's no shame in admitting that you need to get some distance to protect your own wellbeing, especially as in this case they obviously have a support network in place with their parents right now.

Nottherealslimshady · 16/12/2020 14:34

I agree with you, I'd be disgusted if DH said that. Very different from saying "I'm worried I'm going to have step back while friends treatment starts working" which I'd support.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2020 14:40

Why can’t you accept how he feels about this and that it’s different to how you feel? Suggesting dumping him because he has a different view and might choose to protect himself from someone who’s got support elsewhere and sounds like pretty hard work is very extreme and not at all understanding of you.

Feedingthebirds1 · 16/12/2020 14:40

OH is getting annoyed with friends behaviour. OH has said if friend keeps it up

I may be reading too much into his choice of words, but that sounds to me like he doesn't actually believe the friend is ill. That he/she is either putting it on for sympathy, or has a problem but could and should snap out of it. Both of which are cobblers.

If (you say the friend is manic 'atm') it's bipolar disorder, then give him a LOT of reading on the subject, and tell him to stop being an arse. Mental health awareness has obviously gone right over his head.

emilyfrost · 16/12/2020 14:41

YABU. Yes, it’s hard being the person with the MH issue (been there myself), but it takes a huge emotional toll on everyone around them and nobody should be obliged to support them, especially at the expense of their own well-being.

LaceyBetty · 16/12/2020 14:44

Sometimes people closest to those with mental health problems need to protect themselves as well.

grapewine · 16/12/2020 14:44

Depends. You haven't given details as to how her MH crisis has impacted on your life.

I agree with this nobody should be obliged to support them, especially at the expense of their own well-being.

So on the info given YABU.

Original poster

GymMat · 16/12/2020 15:56

Friends behavoiur hasn't really effect us yet. Its mostly texts. Crying for joy friend is euphoric atm.He's not taking a step back to protect anything he says its annoying him. I would understand if it was draining him or upsetting but its not.

Think its just hit a nerve

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liveitwell · 16/12/2020 16:06

Knowing how to respond and support to someone going through a mental health crisis isn't easy. For some people the lines can become blurred between friendship and carer.

I don't think it's unreasonable of OH to want a break while his friend is recovering. The friend has family and presumably other people in their close network.

"Wash his hands of him" is harsh. But if he really means "I can't handle him when he's like that" then I think that's fair enough.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2020 16:18

@GymMat

A friend dear to us is having a mental health crisis. Friend has been put on medication and has moved back with parents to help and keep an eye on the situation. Friend is manic atm. Very happy thinking they can fix the world but not making much sense. OH is getting annoyed with friends behaviour. OH has said if friend keeps it up then he's going to wash his hand of them. I think this is extremely unfair they have been friends for years. Friend obviously need support. Friend is not behaving in a mean way.

Aibu to be disgusted and seriously rethinking my life with OH?

I think it's the 'dear to us' which jumped out at me.

You thought your OH cared about this person, but you can now see that OH is something of a fair-weather friend. And I'm guessing it's made you wonder what OH's reaction would be if you became ill. Would he support you, or - wash his hands of you?

Yes, your OH's reaction would lead me to rethink our relationship too. Simply because, I'd be wondering if I had the relationship I previously thought I had. Life is full of ups and downs. If I thought OH would abandon me on the downs, I'd rather share my ups with somebody else.

Whatwouldscullydo · 16/12/2020 16:26

I can see both sides tbh

As friends you desperately want to support them. But it is a burden there is no denying that and being solely responsible for someone is incredibly hard work and can have a massive impact on what you do. As you always need to hebjear by or at the end of the phone you never relax even when you aren't with them

I wouldn't blame someone for feeling it was too much. I dont believe its fair ti start something you cant finish either. If you aren't all in don't bother at all because otherwise you are just delaying the inevitable

Original poster

GymMat · 16/12/2020 17:03

This friend would honestly walk through fire and hell for either of us. I guess I thought OH would too. I do think what if I became unwell would he be done with me too?

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SnackBitch2020 · 16/12/2020 17:19

Is there a back story here? Your reaction comes across as quite extreme.

I too can see the situation from both sides. It's very tough for your friend and the people around him.

My best friend has bipolar disorder so I can relate to this. I love them so much, but they do and say things sometimes that just leave me raging. Why? Because they can harm themselves, sometimes very seriously, and I just couldn't bear it if I lost them. And I've been through it all so many times as a friend. This is not meant to be harsh or judgmental but a serious mental health condition can really can wear friends and family down.

It's also extremely difficult to watch someone with this disorder deteriorate. So whilst your partners reaction isn't amazing, I really do get it.

The other side of this is if you don't have one of the more socially acceptable mental health conditions you can guarantee a lot of your friends will walk away. So it's important to support him as much as you can.

Support your friend as you should, but also your partner because maybe he's finding it really hard to deal with and simply not expressing himself well.

TrixieHeliotrope · 16/12/2020 17:20

YANBU

Cheeseandwin5 · 16/12/2020 17:43

So just to confirm you want your OH to support a friend who is going through a crisis and MH Issues and are angry at him not doing so.
On the other hand the fact that your OH maybe also worried about the situation and wanting to protect himself is resulting in you wanting to wash your hands of him?!?!

Yep certainly no hypocrisy there......
If I was your OH I would be more worried that you care about ( or maybe want to show you care about others than you do about him!

Original poster

GymMat · 16/12/2020 19:19

OK I'm unreasonable thank you everyone for getting me to see that. It just seems a shame that OH is going to abandon friend over it. I'll leave it to them to sort out between them.

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PamsterWheel · 16/12/2020 19:45

Is your husband at end of tether?has this happened before and how many times? Is this predominantly a friend and f your DH and if do does he tell you absolutely everything about their relationship/history?

Sounds like there is a massive back story

PamsterWheel · 16/12/2020 19:47

Sorry I've made all sorts of presumptions about your sex and that of you OH

OhCaptain · 16/12/2020 19:48

Was this your friend or OH’s?

I don’t think you can underestimate the effect one person’s MH can have on another’s. Perhaps he finds it annoying because he finds it genuinely difficult.

And tbh, even if he was just annoyed - I’m inclined to think that’s ok!

Flurries of manic texts are absolutely annoying to be fair! And some people just aren’t very good at dealing with that.

Does he deserve to lose his relationship over it? I don’t think so but you’re entitled to split with him for any reason at all.

Girlyracer · 16/12/2020 19:54

Depends how often this has happened. If DH has had to deal with it for years, constant flare ups, I can sympathise with this being the straw that broke the camels back.

It's not about the friends intention or not being able to help it. It's the impact it has on your DH.

It might not be relevant, but some people don't take their meds because they think they don't need them, then wham! And again wham! And again wham! If that's the case I'd get sick if it too.

Mazzatron · 16/12/2020 20:45

I don't think you are being unreasonable, how people treat others is obviously an important value to you and I think it's important you and your OH are on the same page with this as you go through life.

However it does sound like you have more understanding of mania than he does, so maybe try to educate him a bit more before rethinking your whole relationship, if you can.

On the other hand, maybe he is a bit self-centred and lacking empathy and this friend who is unwell and you would both be better off without a 'friend' who reacts this way in a crisis.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful! I can see your predicament and think it's beautiful and brave of you to try to do what's right and not just side with your OH.

wowfudge · 16/12/2020 20:49

@LaceyBetty

Sometimes people closest to those with mental health problems need to protect themselves as well.

This exactly. I have been there and it was very difficult and impacted my own mental health.

Original poster

GymMat · 16/12/2020 21:04

Its the 1st time friend has had mania so we haven't been dealing with it a long time. I'm concerned that OH is pushing friend away when the mania stops then friend will be ashamed and even more depressed that he's lost a close friend.

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