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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that this is the wrong time?

30 replies

CheltenhamLady · 16/12/2020 11:55

I have a close friend who is dying. Sadly, I very much doubt she will see next Christmas.

I have just found out via a very excited and joyous FB post that her daughter/SIL are emigrating in early 2021 to Australia, taking with them my friends only GC.

I know adult children have to move on with their lives, but I simply could not do this knowing that my mum is so ill. My friend idolises her two granddaughters and will be devastated to wave goodbye realising that she will probably never see them again.

The couple have a good relationship but are (imo) a bit over-indulged by my friend and her husband. They are very early 30's with a lovely house and good professional careers in the City. I absolutely know it is none of my business, but I do think they could have waited 12 months and moved abroad then.

I feel so angry for her and really cannot understand how anyone can be quite so selfish. I also know that it will be me who has to help her through this without ever voicing my real opinion.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LittleTiger007 · 16/12/2020 12:21

It’s sad. I would feel sad and angry for my friend like you do. They should probably have waited a year.
However, it’s ultimately none of your business and you can only do your best to be there for your friend.

HopeAndDriftWood · 16/12/2020 12:36

Your friend may very well have told them to carry on, even if she’ll be devastated by them being gone. She may find it easier knowing they are settled elsewhere. She may not have wanted to stand in their way.

I’m sure the decision wasn’t taken easily by anyone. The daughter is losing her mum. She’s probably tried to go with what she thinks is the right thing to do in pretty tough circumstances... This is one of those situations where I’d try and leave judgement out of it, and just support your friend.

dontdisturbmenow · 16/12/2020 12:41

They might have planned it all before they found out about her terminal illness. If they are due to start a job, they might not have a choice.

nc151220 · 16/12/2020 12:47

If I was the parent I would hate for my children to put their life on hold for me.

She may live much longer. A family member of mine was told it was likely their last Christmas and lived 9 more years.

catsjammies · 16/12/2020 12:54

Good luck on them actually getting to Australia, the borders are closed, effectively even to citizens. They should know they're also not letting people leave the country again so if your friend dies while they're there (in the event they do make it) they probably won't be able to leave again for her funeral.

That does seem like very odd timing, your poor friend.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/12/2020 12:57

If your friend isn't angry, I don't think it's your place to be angry on her behalf.

Original poster
CheltenhamLady · 16/12/2020 12:58

No, my friend has been terminal for 8 years and is nearing the end.

This has only been planned (from what is on FB) since just before the first lockdown but it has been kept from her till this weekend. They leave quite soon.

OP posts:
Calmandmeasured1 · 16/12/2020 13:03

So your friend now knows. What was her reaction to the news? She may feel that it is too good an opportunity for them to miss.

Personally, I couldn't leave my DM in those circumstances but then I wouldn't be able to leave a bereaved parent in a year either.

Nore · 16/12/2020 13:09

I don't think they can 'leave quite soon'. Australia is effectively closed at the moment. That aside, I think you're taking rather a lot on yourself in being angry on your friend's behalf, and clearly feeling you need to take her daughter's place as she dies. Help her freely, or not at all, and get well on top of what you're feeling and keep it to yourself. You can have no idea of what has actually gone on. For all you know, given that your friend has had a terminal illness for eight years, her daughter and her family have been putting their plans to emigrate on hold over and over again for all that time.

JillofTrades · 16/12/2020 13:10

It's wrong that your friend had to find out on fb about their plans but its also unfair of you to assume the worst of the daughter. You say your friend has been ill for 8 years so do you know how many times the daughter has made sacrifices for the mum? Also people who are immigrating are moving fast to get themselves settled. Kids are going to school as well I presume? I know a few people who decided to immigrate and did so quickly before rules or the likes changes. Maybe the daughter is doing what she feels best for her family. Although posting on fb does indicate that they don't have a close relationship at all, so you are upset on her behalf and maybe don't understand their relationship. It is a very sad situation though.

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2020 13:13

I think that's disgusting. My sister did this leaving her parents to die knowing they would never see her or the grandchildren again.
Bloody selfish.

midinthenight · 16/12/2020 13:15

Unless there's a massive backstory and your friend has been an awful parent I think this is awful. I'm not that close to my mum but I could never do this, especially taking away dgc.

Shortfeet · 16/12/2020 13:17

I think that's terrible.

TidyDancer · 16/12/2020 13:18

Yeah I think unless there's a huge backstory to this explaining why they need to distance from your friend, I think her family are awful for doing this to her.

iVampire · 16/12/2020 13:22

You are projecting your own feelings into a different family, and that is wrong.

And you don’t lose your ability to express your thoughts because you are terminal, and it is always wrong to assume how someone in those circumstances should be feeling.

You do not know what has been said by your friend to her closest family. I don’t think it is helpful to make assumptions about the family dynamics

Bagelsandbrie · 16/12/2020 13:25

Hmm I don’t think you can judge really. On the face of it yes it seems selfish but no one really knows the dynamics of a family. People thought I was selfish and awful because when my Mum had terminal bowel cancer I didn’t step up as much as people thought I should - and yes she was very close to my teenage dd who she spent a lot of time with as a young child - but no one saw the side of my mum that I did (the schizophrenic, alcoholic, narcissistic side). To everyone else she kept these things totally hidden and played the doting Grandma, volunteering at arts groups and being such a wonderful person. Everyone thought I was an evil cow. When she died I did a direct cremation for her, no funeral and dd and I scattered her ashes. I’m an only child and there is no other family but everyone judged me for that too.

I’m not saying it’s the same case here but it could be. No one knew what my mum was like. At all.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 16/12/2020 13:29

There can be many reasons why now. Sometimes it's now or never. She could have told them to just go now. It's possible they were waiting and waiting, but can't anymore. Timing is crap, but that doesn't mean they are horrible. Absolutely agree with @iVampire's post.

Meatshake · 16/12/2020 13:34

Feels like a very cold decision from the outside. Maybe it's different from the inside?

Original poster
CheltenhamLady · 16/12/2020 13:43

I know the family very well and I know who has done what and when. We are close as families.

There is no back story.

They have been given thousands of pounds for house deposits, a lavish wedding, cars, etc. They have had their children minded whilst they work. They have a good relationship, but it is all on the daughter's terms and if there is an issue my friends have to apologise regardless of whether they are in the wrong.

My friend didn't find out from FB, she was told last weekend. I am upset on her behalf, but of course, I will not say anything like that to her, it is not my place.

I will probably find myself trying to explain it away and rationalise it as some of you have done on here.

For context, it was actually my daughter who told me what was on FB as she is a friend of my friends DD on FB, and my DD was absolutely incredulous that they would go at this time.

@Nore My feelings are not coming from feeling I need to take the daughters place, my friend has a lot of support around her.

I haven't spoken to my friend yet, but I will later today or tomorrow. I will take my cue from her and her reaction.

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 16/12/2020 13:52

When my DH was given a terminal diagnosis his DD and her partner left their jobs, postponed their gap year and moved across country to live close to us. He died a year later. It meant so much. I find your friend's DD very hard to understand.

gobbynorthernbird · 16/12/2020 13:58

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

When my DH was given a terminal diagnosis his DD and her partner left their jobs, postponed their gap year and moved across country to live close to us. He died a year later. It meant so much. I find your friend's DD very hard to understand.
I really don't like to compare terminal illnesses, but the DM in this case has had a terminal diagnosis for 8 years. That's a bloody long time, which may continue indefinitely, to put one's life on hold.
PenCreed · 16/12/2020 14:01

Keeping it from her is shitty.

One of my friends moved to Australia with her (Australian) husband when they knew her mum was terminal. Her mum basically told her to go and get on with her life, not to hang around in the UK for her. My friend was able to then come back for the last couple of months, as she was a SAHM. It was hard for all of them, but her mum was part of the conversation. Not telling your friend until the last minute is a really awful thing to do.

InsertCoolHalloweenNameHere · 16/12/2020 14:03

@CheltenhamLady

I know the family very well and I know who has done what and when. We are close as families.

There is no back story.

They have been given thousands of pounds for house deposits, a lavish wedding, cars, etc. They have had their children minded whilst they work. They have a good relationship, but it is all on the daughter's terms and if there is an issue my friends have to apologise regardless of whether they are in the wrong.

My friend didn't find out from FB, she was told last weekend. I am upset on her behalf, but of course, I will not say anything like that to her, it is not my place.

I will probably find myself trying to explain it away and rationalise it as some of you have done on here.

For context, it was actually my daughter who told me what was on FB as she is a friend of my friends DD on FB, and my DD was absolutely incredulous that they would go at this time.

@Nore My feelings are not coming from feeling I need to take the daughters place, my friend has a lot of support around her.

I haven't spoken to my friend yet, but I will later today or tomorrow. I will take my cue from her and her reaction.

I know you say here that your friend only found out last weekend, but could that possibly just be them going early 2021? And perhaps she already know about the move and even encouraged it?

I know that's almost clutching at straws, but it could be a possibility.

On the other hand, again clutching at straws, perhaps the daughter has decided to go at that time to preserve the children's memories of their grandmother as is, instead of how she will be closer to the end?

2bazookas · 16/12/2020 14:26

MYOB. You have no idea what close family discussed and decided in private. .

IME when someone is dying, the last loving thing to do for them, is comply with their wishes . Whatever they are.

.

Dovesandkisses · 16/12/2020 14:28

Maybe your friend doesn't want them to be around for when she starts to deteriorate? It can change a person's physical appearance and general mood a lot.

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