To ask how you've stopped lending a friend money

[Thisusernameistakenagain]

My friend has had a very bad time in the last couple of years. Lost a very good job thru no fault of her own(has a solicitor dealing,police investigating still, lots of other issues).

She then got a different job but that workplace couldnt keep her due to the police investigation.

Then she got another job but very over qualified (think going from being a health professional to working in a clothes shop sort of thing).

Then lost her car as couldnt afford repairs and public transport cost a lot to get to work. I leant money for this.

Has asked for money and promised to give it back several times. Once forgot until I mentioned it and then apologised said she was drunk when she asked and did pay it back.

Asked again because was unable to get to work and this time I refused but she sent a msg saying she'd have to walk to work and it would take 2 hours.

Still owes me £150and tonight I leant another £100. I'm not rich and I'm annoyed with myself for doing this. I think for various reasons friend thinks I'm well off.

It's a 20 year friendship and I feel sorry for her but I really need to say no next time. She has absolutely promised that her partner is paid in a few days time so I'll get it back.

If I dont I'll consider ending her friendship but I find this so sad.

Has anyone else had anything similar?

I'm wondering why she is so short of money, her partner earns a lot. No children.
I'm wondering if something else is going on. I'm annoyed with her for disrespecting our friendship and annoyed with myself for this enabling of whatever or saying yes! Especially again :(

She has some issues going on. Do you believe all those things she's been saying? I've never heard of a police investigation of a job dismissal and losing another due to it seems hard to believe too. And her partner - where is he in all this? The amounts aren't significant, but you'll just have to tell her you can't afford to lend her any more, but if there's something she needs to talk about...

I absolutely believe about the police investigation as I'm familiar with what the police would do in such circumstances and all our friendship group are also aware. Not sure about any other stuff though.
Yes definitely not doing it again
I'm annoyed with myself and dont kknow why I've kept on doing it! I guess because I have the money there and feel our friendship trumps my having money in my bank while friend goes short and struggles? I dont know her partner, she moved away and they met in the new town.

We started telling people we didn't have spare money. Never cried poor, just it's all accounted for & there's no spare. it stopped people asking. Until some people think that the piggy bank is empty, you're the easiest mark because they know you have the means.

It's not lying because our money is all accounted for - including travel money!

and feel our friendship trumps my having money in my bank while friend goes short and struggles?

But it doesn’t though, does it?

It doesn’t trump having your own money in the bank because it’s jeopardising the friendship you’re trying to sustain, and you’re seething with silent resentment towards your friend.

There are a million and one white lies you can tell - it’s Christmas, things are tight at the moment, etc, etc.

Or even just the truth - you asking me is making me feel really unhappy and used, and I can’t even afford it. Can we stop with this please?

You just say no. Your friend sounds like a chancer. What police investigation involves two job losses?

Hi Op.
You are being a mug,and you know it.
Your friend is definitely taken advantage of your good nature.
By bailing her out,you are not helping her really..
There are different charities that give debt/budget advice find out on internet,such as Citzens advice bureau,
Also there is the credit union agency,ask her do she know about that too?)

I would just say next time things are tighter than normal and you can’t help like you could in the past (if it’s all been paid back) or if it hasn’t been paid back then I would say ‘sorry you still haven’t managed to pay me back from before’.

Any idea what the relationship is like? Is it possible he is financially controlling?

"I'm wondering why she is so short of money, her partner earns a lot. No children."

Ask her.

The money to lend always seems to be connected to travel to work - so I’d start there with offering advice, not money.

Why does she have a poorly paid job that’s 2 hours’ walk away? Can she look for something else?

I’d suspect something else is going on (you mention her asking when drunk, is she drinking a lot?) and she tries the transport excuse because it’s been successful with you in the past.

Do you know if she’s borrowing off any other mutual friends?

Something else is going on, either with her or with her partner. Maybe it's drinking, drugs or gambling; her or him. Perhaps he takes her money. Maybe she overspends. Who knows? The other job loss is suspicious too. How did she even get the job while the police investigation is ongoing if they then got rid of her because of it?

Just say no. Use Christmas, unexpected bills, saving for something, helping another, or even Covid as an excuse if you need to. Or just be straight and say you didn't mind helping at first but now you do as it's been a while and she has to be prompted to pay it back now. If someone was in genuine need they would be very grateful, pay it back as agreed without being asked, and would endeavour never to ask again because they'd have sorted out some kind of solution

You really need to add up the pros and cons of this relationship. She has moved away, got herself a new man that you have never met. I am assuming, she had not asked you to visit, meet up. Given that she has a well earning boyfriend, some of these stories are ridiculous.

You mention everyone in your friendship group knows the details of the Police investigation. Does she borrow money from the rest of the group? What do they think is going no?

Get the money back, push for the full amount (I think there will be another excuse or emergency) and then tell her that starting from the New Year that you will be unable to lend her any more money. Tell her it makes you feel uneasy and shifts the balance in your friendship. You don't want your friendship to be based on money. Something tells me you won't hear from her as much.

Sorry OP

I never lent money in the first place.

Easy when they’re a piss taker but hard when they’re not. It’s difficult trying to counsel someone on spending habits and say it’s not all bad when genuinely skint. Can say you can’t afford it but if you can they know you’re lying so then just have to say you don’t want to. Might be an end of the friendship though

I’d be a terrible Samaritans helper when someone calls in desperation saying they think their life is in ruins and tend to agree with them but have to actually help and move them from the abyss

I think you need to have that convo before she asks again.
When she pays you back, say thank you. You felt put on the spot and lent it even though you felt uncomfortable. Please don't ask again as you don't want it to be an issue in your friendship.

People have very different attitudes to money, and lending money and borrowing money. I have learnt over the years that people who borrow money, especially large amounts, from friends usually have very different attitudes to people who lend large amounts......

Doesn't mean they are bad people or even bad friends. I myself just say 'I am sorry, I don't have it.' repeat and repeat. And of course, the cheekier would be borrowers will then say, but you have a good job/ no children/ have just bought yourself a new telly!!! Interestingly, when you come to ask for the money back and they say they don't have it and you say, but you have a good job / no children / have just bought yourself anew telly!! That doesn't seem to wash as well.....

And then there is the guilt trip - if you ask for money back - ' is that all you can say to me? I haven't seen you for three weeks and the first thing you do is talk about money? Well, I don't feel like giving it back now.....'

Feel bad for your friend, of course. But she is an adult and should be finding adult solutions to her problems. And yes, that might mean a two hour walk to work....

I was once in a similar situation.
I would lend this, now ex-friend, money and then would be so annoyed with myself..She never paid any back.

Someone said to me i had to show the same lack of embarassment in saying no as she had in asking to borrow money. I don't know why but as a natural people pleaser i found It made It easier to say no.

I had a friend in desperate need about 30 years ago. She wasnt good with money but had a lowish paid job. One day she phoned me up and was desperate as the bank was going to close her account, move to a debt agency etc. I had a low paid job, but had some savings rich I gladly lent. I quite liked the feeling of being helpful/ organised.

What I discovered that I DIDN'T like was being a debtor. She was genuinely grateful at the time but didn't initiate any payment back afterwards, it was always me asking which I found excruciating. It was paid back sporadically in in dribs and drabs. She wanted to forget the whole thing as she was embarrassed. In the end I had to write off about 20% of it. I learned that it's a bad idea to lend to a friend, and especially without a clear payback plan, preferably in writing. We are still friends abd I have never lent to a friend again.

Agree with a PP. "I can't lend as l my spending is accounted for. Actually I could do with that £50 you still owe me, but I won't press for it for another few months as things are clearly tight with you. '

I've never lent any money to anyone, I guess its easier not to start than to stop.

I've given money to people I wanted to help, when I could afford to, but I'm not getting into loans.

In your situation, I'd certainly be asking why DP isn't helping. If you're close enough for her to ask you for money, you're close enough for that.

Just say you can’t afford to lend her the cash next time she asks. She will look elsewhere

@SnowySheep

I've never lent any money to anyone, I guess its easier not to start than to stop.

I've given money to people I wanted to help, when I could afford to, but I'm not getting into loans.

In your situation, I'd certainly be asking why DP isn't helping. If you're close enough for her to ask you for money, you're close enough for that.

I think SnowySheep is right here. Never lend money that you aren't prepared to lose.

If you want to help your friend and can afford to give her the money, give it with no strings attached.

As for what to do now, I would ask for the money back but be prepared to write it off. In future if she asks just say "I'm afraid I'm not in a position to be able to lend you any more money. Have you asked the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice?" or something.

I would also think carefully about the friendship. Would you gladly give this money to another friend in the same situation? If the roles were reversed, do you think you would be able to turn to your friend in the way she has turned to you? Is there a way you can help her without giving financial support and would you be willing to do that? It sounds to me as though you are friends for historic reasons rather than anything else.

I have a friend like this, I just simply say “oh no what a shame, hope you get it sorted. I can’t afford to lend to you as I’m skint myself.” And then change the subject. It works. Don’t feel guilty and please don’t lend to people when they already owe you money, if they’re that desperate there’s food banks etc out there to help them. Your money is YOUR money, your not an extension of their bank account.

The point with people like her it's not how much she earns or doesn't it's how she manages it .
Many people earn very little but live within their means , some earn 6 figures but still struggle because of their lifestyle.
I once had a colleague who would ask others to lend her the odd £10 £20 etc but it was to get a taxi home from work (lives 20 minute walk away ) or a takeaway. I wouldn't dream of borrowing money off someone for a takeaway I'd eat beans on toast if I had no money . That's the difference between us and those they know someone will bail them out and that someone is you op . Stop feeling sorry for her and say no , ask her why , her finances are your business when she is borrowing off you so I'd ask her .

Ive never lent money either as i've seen too many people fall out over it...but if i feel someone is angling to borrow from me i invent a disaster in the home that i have to pay for...e.g....new boiler or roof repairs etc.

I've been in that situation. What I did was gradually "didn't have the money" this month. She wasn't asking for much at any time, it started as £5 for bread and milk and dinner, and very slowly moved towards £20/30.
I then realised she was doing this a couple of times a week. She always paid back at the start of the month, so wasn't too worried.

But I realised that I wasn't helping totally. It was easy to give her £20 because one of the children needed shoes. But because she could come back the next day and do the same, if she didn't get out to the shoe shop, and decided it was a nice night for a takeaway and came back the next day to ask for money for the shoes again, she then owed me £40, which she couldn't afford to.

So I started not "having the money". So I think the first time she asked for £30, I only had "£20 and couldn't give any more at the moment". So she knew that she couldn't spend it on something else then come back the next. Fairly quickly it reduced back to £5 less often.

The only thing was that after she'd moved away (nothing to do with that), what I found was she'd been doing similar with about 5 or 6 of us. None of us were aware of the others, and some of them she was less good at paying back, so over a week she'd frequently be borrowing over £200. When she got her pay at the start of the month it would often have to go on just repaying the debts, so it was a cycle.