To ask how you've stopped lending a friend money

[Thisusernameistakenagain]

My friend has had a very bad time in the last couple of years. Lost a very good job thru no fault of her own(has a solicitor dealing,police investigating still, lots of other issues).

She then got a different job but that workplace couldnt keep her due to the police investigation.

Then she got another job but very over qualified (think going from being a health professional to working in a clothes shop sort of thing).

Then lost her car as couldnt afford repairs and public transport cost a lot to get to work. I leant money for this.

Has asked for money and promised to give it back several times. Once forgot until I mentioned it and then apologised said she was drunk when she asked and did pay it back.

Asked again because was unable to get to work and this time I refused but she sent a msg saying she'd have to walk to work and it would take 2 hours.

Still owes me £150and tonight I leant another £100. I'm not rich and I'm annoyed with myself for doing this. I think for various reasons friend thinks I'm well off.

It's a 20 year friendship and I feel sorry for her but I really need to say no next time. She has absolutely promised that her partner is paid in a few days time so I'll get it back.

If I dont I'll consider ending her friendship but I find this so sad.

Has anyone else had anything similar?

I'm wondering why she is so short of money, her partner earns a lot. No children.
I'm wondering if something else is going on. I'm annoyed with her for disrespecting our friendship and annoyed with myself for this enabling of whatever or saying yes! Especially again :(

I would smell a rat that money is being pissed away somewhere and she is being a CF.

Just say you are really sorry but you just don't have any spare any more. Direct her to money saving expert, tell her to check if she might be eligible for any benefits etc

Just tell her you can’t afford it any more. That you need the lent money returned before you can even consider lending her more.

Her financial issues aren’t your responsibility.

I had a friend like this who was getting dependent on me for handouts, in the end I just told her I couldn’t afford to keep giving her money. She found a way to cope!

One of my closest friends is terrible with money and would always ask to lend it. She knew I had it disposable and she knew when my paydays were.

I always got it back and always when she promised but it was exhausting being asked all the time, so I started saying I didn’t have it to give.

Every time she asked I would say I didn’t have it spare and eventually she stopped asking. I could afford it and she always paid it back but I just found the constant asking overwhelming, I felt like a bank

It’s so hard to say no, I understand that. Say you don’t have it to lend if “no” will cause problems.

You should not lend her any more money. If she’s got a partner and no DC she can get money from him.

I wouldn’t have lent her the second lot of cash. Keep texting her weekly asking her to pay you back, say instalments is fine if that’s easier.

But no more coffees out, outings etc until she starts paying you back. And don’t lend to her again.

She is an adult so how she gets to work isn’t your problem. Are you working? If so you are working to support her too which isn’t on? How does she know you have the money ‘oh sorry I really can’t I’m a bit strapped myself, you couldn’t give me back some of what you owe me could you?’

Definitely more to this story.
Can’t you simply say now you don’t have the money? Her reaction may tell you a lot about this friendship...

Never landed a friend money; one old friend messaged me ages ago asking if I could lend her £20 as she had no food in, so I offered to meet her at a supermarket and pay for her shopping, but she said no thanks. Turned out she was asking us all for the odd tenner and £20 so she could buy weed.

*lended, not landed 🤣.

If she can't afford public transport to her job, then there's not much point in her staying at that job? I'd tell her straight that she needs to come up with a long term solution, like getting a bike or a new job.

Lent, even....

She has absolutely promised that her partner is paid in a few days time so I'll get it back

I'll be very surprised if you do, considering it's Christmas next week

An even quicker way to squash this is for you to ask her to lend some money (emergency repair or whatever). After all it's only fair after all the times you've helped ... except you'll probably never hear from her again

I stupidly lent £7,500 to a friend around 10 years ago who promised to pay it back within a couple of months.

I was living at my parents at the time, had no real outgoings and was being overpaid in the job that I was in so was racking up some big savings. My friend was in an abusive marriage and had two kids so I thought she was in a desperate state and really in need.

I've not seen a penny of that money. She doesn't live a glamorous life by any means but she did have a few extravagant holidays in the years after she got divorced - New York, Miami and a Caribbean Island which stung quite a bit.

Our friendship pretty much died in the years after I loaned her the money and I am still in touch but not much effort is made on either of our parts, I have written off the money but I guess hope one day I might see it again with interest which I guess is why I haven't severed all links.

I don't know how she has reconciled with herself not feeling any guilt about it as that money would really have come in handy over the years that have passed but I think she thinks that because I was living at home at the time and had fallen on my feet into a job that I was being overpaid to do for a few years that she was somehow entitled to that cash too.

I wonder if your friend is in that kind of mindset as well op?

Just say you have had some large expenses recently and cant help out....thats being diplomatic....better if you can be direct i always think though.... I only once lent an ex colleague and sort of friend £100...she said she needed to buy food...had 2 small children....but hopeless with money and always getting cheques off wealthy dad to bail her out....
A week later she told me she had bought her teenage son a real Gucci belt for his birthday....!!... A month later , she rang me at 5am and said she was at police station with same son who had been pulled for driving offences and could I lend her £3000 for a lawyer...!!..soon after I just blocked her and haven't seen her for several years now....A relief !!

You need to tell her that she already owes you £250 and you can't afford to keep giving her money.

I bet she is borrowing money off several people without any of you being aware of the others. As for what she is spending it on - who knows - gambling, alcohol?

Her financial situation is not your responsibility

Use some of the suggestions upthread if she asks again.

sally067 That is terrible!I feel so sorry for you! And angry.

earsup Honestly, well done.

Thanks for your input everyone. This is so helpful. I just find it so odd. I will definitely not lend any more money. It's so disheartening after such a long friendship. We were close at university and have always kept in touch. She does meet up when feasible. Always have lovely chats. But this is odd behaviour and I didn't discount that something more sinister may be going on :(
I am going to msg a mutual friend and ask if something similar has been asked of her.