Should I be thinking about having children?

[Wandafishcake]

Basically I will be 36 next month and I am single.
Not only that, I have always been single. I think I am probably asexual.
Thing is, everybody has always said to me what a brilliant mother I’d make. I work with children and teens, and I do actually agree I’d make a good mum.
I’m not broody though, I still feel like having children is something for me to think about in another 10 years time! Basically I don’t feel ‘ready’ ... but obviously that’s ridiculous and my physical age means it’s probably the next couple of years or never.

Do you think I should consider having children alone, in case I regret not having them eventually? I am pretty sure I would take well to motherhood... but it would change my life so completely... seems a risk when I am pretty satisfied with my life overall (rubbish 2020 not withstanding...).

What do you think?

Yabu= I should leave well alone, if I’m happy without kids, I should keep it this way.

YANBU= Consider having children, before it’s too late.

I think this is a very personal decision that only you can make for yourself, no one in this thread can make it for you.

In general families come in all different forms and there's nothing wrong with any of them, you just need to make sure you're prepared, ready and happy with whatever decision you make.

Good luck for the future

If you're happy and satisfied with your life as it is, there's a lot to be said for that. I think perhaps you've answered your own question.

FWIW, from my own experience having children with a committed and supportive partner who shares the load is hard enough. I can't imagine doing it alone and I take my hat off to those who do. Also, I want to point out that working with children isn't the same as having your own, it's a totally different situation and not comparable so don't let that sway your decision.

You've a few years yet to get your thoughts together so don't rush into anything. Take your time.

You're not in a relationship, even though society likes to tell people it's the goal. Why would you have children because you think it's the done thing?

You can be good at a thing but not want to do it. Also, my friend who worked in a nursery and was amazing with children REALLY struggled with her own.

Pregnancy, childbirth and children are full on and completely life changing. Not something to go into unless you really want a child I think. The potential cost (financial, emotional, physical) would not outweigh the benefits.

I once considered having kids on my own. Then I met my husband at 39 and had two kids and remember thinking 'my God the physical and emotional toll - thank goodness I didn't have them on my own'. Then my husband passed away when they were barely in school, so I ended up raising them on my own anyway.
You could have a partner, then through death or divorce not have one. I have done it, but I'm not so sure I would have unless I had lots of support and money to make it easier.

Just to add I'm awake at 3.30am because I'm worried about something to do with one of my kids - I wish I had a partner to help me through it.

Doing something major and life-changing, which will completely and permanently alter a life you are very happy with, just because there’s a strong social pressure to do so ‘because you might regret it if you don’t’, isn’t a good idea.

I sometimes think that if there wasn’t a biological cut-off point for women for having children, especially one which has such a big cultural presence, many more women would continue to put off having children indefinitely — in the same way that many of us put off doing something within our power but that we don’t feel strongly about.

I think it’s absolutely fine and doable to have kids on your own and if you said you were desperate for a baby I’d say do it. But you’re not. If you are not driven by an overwhelming urge to have a child then I would continue to enjoy the happy life you already have.

YABU Just because you don't think a child needs a father doesn't mean the child doesn't need one? Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should

Being a single mother choice can be a rewarding choice but it is also a lot of hard work! If you don't feel the "urge," don't do it just because of others' expectations.

I voted YANBU as the question was whether you should consider it - and it's clearly something you should weigh up quite seriously.

On the one hand, I know I would really struggle as a single parent. It's relentless, and I need DH to share the load, even just so I can slip away to the loo unaccompanied. On the other, I'm aware that we've been together since we were 18 and I'm just used to being in a couple and depending on each other. You're used to standing on your own two feet.

I don't think for a minute everyone needs kids to be happy or fulfilled, even people who like kids and work with them (which I could never do). But at the same time, if it's something you seriously want, you're right to be seriously considering your options at this age.

Have dc is really hard and I wouldn't do it unless you are absolutely sure.

Bugger that. Having kids is exhausting, expensive and it massively restricts your life and career choices and all that.

Those people who say you might regret not having children in later life are suspiciously silent on the subject of whether you might regret retiring on a shit pension.

Nobody can do everything. You already have lots of contact to kids in your job, so it's not like you are missing out entirely on that part of life.

It's a decision only you can make, but if you are leaning towards no kids I would say don't let "what everyone else does" undermine your own instincts.

If you're content as you are and enjoy working with other people's kids I would think very carefully. The worry, anxiety and stress that comes with having your own is off the scale. You need to consider whether or not you're happy for your life to change beyond all recognition, particularly if you were to have a child with additional or special needs. Coping alone is very hard.
Kids can be a joy and I love mine more than anything but bloody hell it's a double edged sword.

If you were broody I’d say look into but as you aren’t I’d enjoy you life and career without kids.

I think you’d be mad to have children just in case you regret not having them, if you don’t actually feel a strong need to have them.

If you are not in a relationship and not broody why would you even consider it? I don't believe that anyone should willingly bring a child into the world when someone is not in and never has been in a relationship with the father. Seems very selfish. If you like your life and are not desperate for a child (if you were you should be looking for a relationship) then don't do it. Being child free can be wonderful and liberating. So what if 20 years down the line you might have a few regrets. The same could be said the other way round but nobody would dream of saying to a parent 'oh, are you worried you'll regret it.'

Also think of the child in this - not just selfish needs

Thanks for all the replies. It’s made my really think why I am sort of considering it.
It’s not societal pressure. It’s just because I am a very nurturing person and I think I might like it and do a good job? But I don’t need to, if that makes sense?

Not that it means much but as a child I was constantly playing babies with my dolls, and I have always taken the care of pets so seriously! growing up I always thought of myself as having 4 children when I was older. I do realise that having a baby is nothing like pets or dolls - I’m just outlining my personality. I’m quite maternal.

It still feels very theoretical though. Like a “one day in the distant future that would be lovely but not now” - like we feel when we’re teenagers, I guess I never grew up! I don’t feel a sense of urgency for it now even though I am running out of time. But I do wonder if I might turn around 10 years from now and realise that I missed out on something very fulfilling that I was “meant” (biologically and in terms of my personality) to do? Does that sound really silly? I guess maybe it does...

And those of you making the argument that children need a father, well mine died when I was young. And I work now with families who are often much happier seperate then together. Having a loving father is the ideal, but I don’t think it’s the be all and end all and I wouldn’t make that the guiding principle of my decision.

I’d only do it if you WANT to, there’s plenty of people I know who would make a brilliant parent but they don’t want DC. It sounds like you get to use the qualities you have in your work, and that’s great. You still have some time to think about it but I’d really consider whether you want to do it. I’m a single mum to (almost) 2 DC, and it is very hard going at it alone. Pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child are also extremely difficult and I think you need to be 100% sure it’s what’s right for you

I wouldn't go it alone if I was in the fence as you are. Because everything is going to fall 100 percent on you and I think the fact that you don't appear that bothered about it, that could be a recipe for disaster.

I know plenty of single mums who are doing quite alright, you don’t necessarily have to have a partner. It’s usually easier with two parents but not always. One friend of mine always knew she wanted to be a mum and used a sperm donor aged 40 to become a mum to her DD.
OP the question is really, do you want to be a mum? You know what it entails, is it something you want in your life? If you’re not particularly broody now then like pp say, you do have a couple of years until you really need to make the decision. Maybe spend some time babysitting friends children and see if it’s what you want?

And also, I guess it’s being on MN too. The posts from people who talk about how their children are their absolute world. They would die for them. They love them to the end of the earty even though they sound insanely demanding. And then they have more! If they love having children so much... would they recommend it to me?

I think if you're only considering motherhood because you think you'd be good at it, rather than because you want children, then you are possibly a potentially perfect foster carer or adopter of an oldwr child. People often tell those with fertiliy issues to consider fostering or adoption and its often totally inappropriate, but the scenario you describe is totally different.

If you don't want a baby don't get pregnant just because peopple tell you that you'd be a goid mother! However if you want the role later, in your 40s, then given your very specific description of yourself you still have options of nurturing a child in a unique and essential role without the child being your biological offspring.

I do babysit my friend’s children but I admit I’m glad to give them back! People say it’s different when it’s your own though, which I can believe because I do enjoy spending time with my nephew much more (but he lives too far away to see often)