Should I be thinking about having children?

[Wandafishcake]

Basically I will be 36 next month and I am single.
Not only that, I have always been single. I think I am probably asexual.
Thing is, everybody has always said to me what a brilliant mother I’d make. I work with children and teens, and I do actually agree I’d make a good mum.
I’m not broody though, I still feel like having children is something for me to think about in another 10 years time! Basically I don’t feel ‘ready’ ... but obviously that’s ridiculous and my physical age means it’s probably the next couple of years or never.

Do you think I should consider having children alone, in case I regret not having them eventually? I am pretty sure I would take well to motherhood... but it would change my life so completely... seems a risk when I am pretty satisfied with my life overall (rubbish 2020 not withstanding...).

What do you think?

Yabu= I should leave well alone, if I’m happy without kids, I should keep it this way.

YANBU= Consider having children, before it’s too late.

Thanks @UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Fostering is a good idea, I think I’ll look into it more...

You'll never really regret having children; there may be moments of "What have I done?!" but you'll love them and I think they'll give you a sense of fulfilment that is hard to find elsewhere.
But the practicalities of having a child on your own are HARD. First and foremost, can you afford it? A friend of mine had similar thoughts to you at 43 and decided to give it a go. Against all the odds, she fell pregnant through IVF - and not just with one baby but two, which put all her plans of going back to work into disarray. Nursery for two is too expensive to manage on one salary unless it's a very good one.

@QueenieButcher

You'll never really regret having children; there may be moments of "What have I done?!" but you'll love them and I think they'll give you a sense of fulfilment that is hard to find elsewhere. But the practicalities of having a child on your own are HARD. First and foremost, can you afford it? A friend of mine had similar thoughts to you at 43 and decided to give it a go. Against all the odds, she fell pregnant through IVF - and not just with one baby but two, which put all her plans of going back to work into disarray. Nursery for two is too expensive to manage on one salary unless it's a very good one.

People do regret having children - there are enough posts on Mumsnet about it.

I started the solo process at 36, but I knew I had to be a mum.

Life works out weirdly, because £30k and three IVF miscarriages later I met DH and we had a baby together very quickly.

I will say, it’s potentially very traumatic and expensive if your heart isn’t in it. Plenty of people get pregnant via IUI very quickly and cheaply, have a baby with no trouble and crack on. You might or might not be so lucky.

Now I have my baby, motherhood is absolutely as rewarding as everyone says but also as hard as they say, and especially in covid times.

Leave well enough alone.

imho, do not have children if you don't feel a strong urge. You can be a great maternal child-loving person without your own offspring. Child-free is fine.

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I'm not 'maternal' but I think I'm a good mum precisely because of that. I read books and work at it. I didn't expect to be good at it naturally and I'm not. I thought it would be incredibly hard and it was.

My friends who assumed they would be good mothers frequently struggled much more.

Also, I am very glad I have met DD, because coincidentally she's the best human who ever walked the face of the earth. But I would be happy just DH and I. I love to travel, work, spend time with friends. I'd have been a great childless person too.

I don't see how you can know whether you'd be a good parent beforehand. Noone knows what their specific kid will be like or how they'll react till they do it.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I'm not 'maternal' but I think I'm a good mum precisely because of that. I read books and work at it. I didn't expect to be good at it naturally and I'm not. I thought it would be incredibly hard and it was.

My friends who assumed they would be good mothers frequently struggled much more.

Also, I am very glad I have met DD, because coincidentally she's the best human who ever walked the face of the earth. But I would be happy just DH and I. I love to travel, work, spend time with friends. I'd have been a great childless person too.

I could have written this and feel better for reading it @MrsTerryPratchett

We have lovely DD because DP pushed for trying, but for me it was always 'in the future' and I wouldn't have minded had it not happened. Rather than the assumed second, I look forward to the less full-on task of being an aunt.

Kudos to anyone who's done it alone - and special thoughts to those who have done so unexpectedly.

I look forward to the less full-on task of being an aunt.

Grandparenting. That's where the cookies are.

And yes, I'm only a mother because DH wanted a baby. DD's story is that mummy didn't want a kid but daddy convinced her and then mummy luckily got DD because imagine if she'd got one of those OTHER children. Yuk. DD knows she's special!

Thanks for answering @MrsTerryPratchett, are you saying I’m being unreasonable for thinking I’d be any good at it, and therefore shouldn’t?
Or that I should give it a go because everyone loves their own child regardless abd it’s great?
Not sure how to interpret your posts?

Not sure how to interpret your posts?

You shouldn't. You should make your own mind up based on what you firmly believe. Life is very complicated.

Just because you think you'll enjoy it or be good at it, that's no guarantee. And neither is not having children.

I want to point out that there are people who have children, and are good at it, who don't think it's the be-all and end-all. I love my DD absolutely. I would probably love my cottage in Nicaragua, scuba-diving and working at a local non-profit as well if I hadn't had a child. I LOVE travelling. Fortunately I have a stoic and adventurous child. We've already hosteled together. Had she been a leg-clinger, I would have had to adjust my life significantly.

Trousers of time. It's entirely possible both legs are good.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Not sure how to interpret your posts?

You shouldn't. You should make your own mind up based on what you firmly believe. Life is very complicated.

Just because you think you'll enjoy it or be good at it, that's no guarantee. And neither is not having children.

I want to point out that there are people who have children, and are good at it, who don't think it's the be-all and end-all. I love my DD absolutely. I would probably love my cottage in Nicaragua, scuba-diving and working at a local non-profit as well if I hadn't had a child. I LOVE travelling. Fortunately I have a stoic and adventurous child. We've already hosteled together. Had she been a leg-clinger, I would have had to adjust my life significantly.

Trousers of time. It's entirely possible both legs are good.

Absolutely to all this and @MrsTerryPratchett’s previous post. I would probably not have had a child had DH been less keen, and though I’m delighted I did, it was in a spirit of ‘It might be interesting’, rather than from any burning desire to be a mother. And I’m not ‘maternal’ at all. I’m much the same person I was before DS came along, and I would not have been particularly upset had I not been able to conceive. I also think I would have continued to enjoy my childfree life.

Like @MrsT, DS has also had to fit in with elements of my life — we’ve moved countries three times in his eight years, for example — and I am never going to be someone whose life revolves around parenthood. I adore him, and am very glad to have him in my life, but I would also have been happy to stay childfree.

The dd of someone I know, late 30s and single, decided to ‘go it alone’ and had twins not so long ago.
All well, and I gather she’s very happy, but should add that she was already relatively comfortable financially.

It’s such a very personal decision, though - only you can possibly know what’s right for you. I would think that a really visceral longing for a baby of your own would be a major factor.

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate every single one of them!

I do know that nobody can give me the answer. It’s just that, in a position where I’m happy without them, but most other people are choosing differently, it’s helpful to hear reflections of about whether it’s something I should consider.
I’m fairly sure life alone will get duller over the years. Children would bring excitement and new purpose... but it would be a permanent change and turn my life upside down.
So far I’m thinking fostering could be the way to go, although I’d be reluctant to give up work. I’d have to give up work for a period for my own child too I guess, so if it’s not something I’m happy about - perhaps that’s my answer right there.

Yes, I think you've answered your own question there! Get 2 dogs for some excitement and spend the money you save not having kids on decent daycare for them while you work 😀

In seriousness I think so many people (me included) have children partly through a fear of missing out. But you only have to look at the parenting boards (particularly those relating to teenagers!) to see that it's so often a hard slog that gets even harder as time goes on, not easier as so many of the lovely baby books would have you believe.